Oh this month. I love it. I despise it.
The month of ushering in my favorite season. The month of birthday celebrations.
…and the month of That Day.
The 1st day of the month found me crying most of the day as well as the days that followed.
It’s more than just this month though. It is just this time of year. The back-to-school moments that he will never take part in. The new soccer season starting that he will never help coach. The superhero birthday party he will not be a part of. The birthday where I turn 28 again where he will ignore the year and call me his bride. The wedding anniversary we will never celebrate.
It seems all too much to take in in such a short period of time.
Then, the planning. The planning of Lido’s birthday party. Trying to figure out the best day to have it on where it is not too close to that damn date. Then it is side-stepping Lido’s questions about my birthday. What are we going to do. What do I want. The one I have absolutely no desire to celebrate.
The past 3 years we have always taken a trip this time of year. Right around our birthdays and that date. The second year sucked as my Uncle was dying and ended up passing away on ‘that date’. That year, we spread Doug’s ashes in Yellowstone and on top of Bear Tooth Pass. Last year, Lido and I took an amazing trip to the Turks and Caicos where we swam every day, all day and a wonderful lady at the resort found out it was my birthday and made reservations for us as well as got us a huge cake – for just the two of us. It was all I could do to not cry as I shared the cake with those around us…and then they started asking questions…and I shared our story. I’m glad I could share the story but man, when you are hanging on by a thread…well…
I can’t even remember what I did that first year. I have absolutely no idea. I can’t even remember if I went anywhere…oh, yes. I went back to Portland. I went to the crash site with a hazelnut latte, a six pack of Guinness and a pack of the shitty cigarettes he smoked – PallMall. I smoked a cigarette, drank a Guinness, and finished up most of the latte. The rest, I left there. I lost my orange scarf out there…I saw two eagles flying overhead. Huge, huge eagles. They showed up right before the time of the crash and circled overhead for a long while…
This year, no trip planned.
And I’m okay with that. Lido has his schedule booked and I thought that this year would be a good year just to be around our things during this time. Maybe get together with some friends of Doug’s to celebrate his life. To remember him.
I have felt that this year, I’m ready to celebrate and start ushering in the future…but I’ve been scared of even looking at the future at this point. Then, this past week, one of my assignments for a class was to sit through a meditation where it had you imagine what your future looked like and to invite any visions to come in and be open. I was listening to the meditation and going deeper into a meditative state, then she asked us to start looking and inviting what we see in our future. Immediately, all I saw and felt was this swirling vortex around me, almost as if I was Dorothy sitting on my bed watching things swirl around me. Everything I saw was gray and dark and just this energy whipping around me.
At the end of the meditation, we were supposed to draw/color/paint what we saw for our future…I couldn’t do it. It just made me sick and I didn’t want to draw this out. Instead, I sat there in meditation once again to rid myself of these feelings and ended up just separating my brain from my heart and drew what my heart was saying…It was mountains with a river running through them. It was my “happy place”. A place in Yellowstone that is just amazing.
I turned in the assignment and my instructor immediately sent me an email with her comments. I had explained that I had difficulty with this assignment and just had to do what I needed to do just to get through it. In her voicemail (she typically sends CM instead of writing everything out), she made me think about a few things and realize a few things. Or, maybe just one big thing.
Pure and simple.
As I approach the 4-year mark, the birthdays, the anniversaries I have decided that it is important to sit and meditate on Love. To fill my heart with love and to imagine my future – as love. There needs to be no details. I don’t have to see exactly where I will live, what I will be doing, what Lido will be like. All I need to do is envision Love as my future. Love surrounding me, coursing through me.
I sat and pondered this approach. Only for a few minutes. I immediately felt my heart lighter and my soul and my mind willing to not dwell on the sadness but to let the love in. To grab hold of it. My fear of imagining a future, I believe, will not be a fear for much longer. Instead it will be welcomed because I know that my future is love.
With a little bit of silliness added in….
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