One Year Today

My Dearest Lido,

You are one today.

My mind is trying to keep up with this. At this moment a year ago I was in the hospital deciding whether or not to stay or go home and see if you would decide to come in a few days.  We induced because there was nothing, absolutely nothing, going on as far as labor. I thought you would be born on your Great-Grandfather’s 80th birthday but that was not to be. I didn’t want to go home though because I was then thinking that you may wait until my birthday a few days later to poke your little head into the world…and I thought that we should go ahead and give you your own special day…It only took another 24 hrs for you to arrive and then you came pretty quick once things started! So quick in fact that you had the most perfect round head, blood shot eyes from the pressure and a bruised forehead, nose and face from everything happening so quickly…sorry about that. The epidural was wearing off.

Your birth was perfect. You came into our arms and into our family. That is perfection.

It has been a very strange year. I sometimes, well, a lot of times, don’t have any clue as to what I am doing and I feel like we don’t have the connection that I’d like to have. I know a lot of it is because I don’t have all the time that I want with you. I don’t get to be with you all the time and teach you things, play with you, develop our own little funny things.  I am really missing those opportunities. I promise you that I do try and make up for it on the weekends and in the evening and I am thankful, albeit a lot jealous, that you love your daycare and never cry when I leave you…although one day…if you could…cry a little bit when I leave. Just until I’m out the door and in my car.  Then you can go about your day and play and explore.

I have to remind myself that you are in the same zone every day. You are figuring it all out. Sometimes, I feel like you are going to have your whole life figured out by the time you are 3 the way things are going. The five minutes before you go to bed – well – that is the only time that I feel like you are even the slightest bit relaxed and willing to let your mind stop. Then you reach out for the book I’m reading to you at bedtime and want to kiss the picture of the kitties…and I realize that your mind is not shut off at all. I wonder sometimes does it even shut off when you sleep? Knowing you, you are probably listing out the things you must accomplish or figure out the next day (by the way – lists run in our family…)

We have opened up the downstairs to you. You were beginning to scream at the top of your lungs if we put you in the living room to play while we did other things. You want to be by us and around us and of course see what kind of “trouble” you can get into. I’m glad for this in a way because I know you are just taking all of it in. You are fascinated with phones and hold our cell phones or home phone up to your head and squeak out a “hi”.  You think you are so cool. You have – or had – a few words in your vocabulary but have not spoken them for a few weeks now. But your like that. You do something for a few days, then go on to the next thing. Then I worry that you are not ‘progressing’ how you should and the very next day you are up and instead of taking a couple wobbly steps you are running everywhere. It is like you try it – figure that you can do it – then decide to wait until you are good and ready to do it full force. I think you may do that with talking. You had a few words…thought that was good enough…made the parents happy…then in a couple weeks you will be reciting the Illiad in Greek.

You sleep like a dream now – and you better not be picking up ANY vibes that I just said this! We spent several months agonizing over taking a bottle away from you for your pre-bedtime meal. I decided that if you wanted it, you needed it and that I would ignore the pediatrician.  Then one night I just took it from you after a couple minutes and you decided that you were done with it.  You also used to fall asleep in our arms at night while we rocked and sung to you – and then one night you were just ready to go to your crib and fall asleep on your own. I know that people say that that is the best thing…but I feel sad at times that I don’t have that snuggle time with you anymore.  Especially since you are a man on the go these days.  I hope that you do find some time in the coming years to just snuggle with me and let me hold you in my arms. You are just growing up way too fast.

I do worry that we don’t do enough for you but I know that you will let us know if you feel like you are missing out on things.  That seems to be your attitude in life. You are still a very happy baby – especially if you get your way – and even more so when we understand what it is that you want!

You are walking like crazy and everyone once in a while will try and run. You tried jumping the other day but haven’t done it since. I think you decided that you weren’t quite ready for that one…remember…you have to save some things for later. You found that you can grab the cats tail and follow her wherever she goes. She does not really find this amusing by the way. You also love that cat very much and give her hugs and kisses. You know that poor old Maggie B loves you and you are very careful around her. You touch her so gently and pet her very nice. You even crawl or walk slowly around her so as to not disturb her when she is sleeping.

The other night Maggie B got out the front door and I had you in my arms and my bag over my shoulder chasing after her. No leash and definitely no obedience from her. I ended up having to pick her up with my free arm and carry both of you back, up the stairs and to the front door. You giggled and laughed and thought the whole thing was funny. Lucky for you I didn’t let on that my arms were about to fall off and my chances of dropping both of you were growing exponentially. Luckily for you and the Maggie B we made it safely inside.

Lido, you are a constant source of amazement. A constant source of laughter. A constant source of worry and headaches. A constant source of reminding me to take it all in. Thank you for making me a mom.

And every once in a while, could you please remember to snuggle with me? I’d appreciate the time. Even if it is for a split second.

Darling, happy birthday.

I love you. In this life and the next.

Your Mom

Lido and Mommy one week out from his first birthday.

11 months 3 weeks and 3 days old with Mommy at Cannon Beach.

6 months pregnant:

About 8 months and then some pregnant…wow.

Ultrasound at around 26 weeks.

September 16th. Two minutes old. Look at that bruised face!

About 10 hours old.

5 Days old.

9 months:

11 Months:

4 weeks to a Year

My Dearest Lido,

This time last year we were counting down the weeks that you would be here.  With a due date of September 9th we didn’t think it would take you another 4 weeks to arrive and when you did arrive…well…I think that you would have liked to stay a few more days.

You have hit so many milestones this past month.  At 10 months you took your first steps and in the weeks to follow you have ventured out and have taken steps just by yourself – we catch you out of the corner of our eye and then look at each other and say ‘did he just walk over there?’ You have started saying Dada and Mama and love kissing the Panda kitty and are very kind to our old Maggie B.  You love hiding behind the curtains and peek-a-booing. Your face just lights up and you can just see the joy in your eyes and also the spark of orneriness…

Just like you decided to start eating solid food, you have decided that you don’t really want a bottle at all during the day.  It still takes us a bit to figure these things out but when we do…I go out and buy $200 worth of groceries and it is all for you.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.  It is fun to see this part of your personality keep developing and I wonder how you will be when you grow up.  You definitely have an opinion on what we should be doing and what you want to do.  I think you’ve decided that you are 2 and not 11 months.

It is still so very hard to leave you during the day and unfortunately the past couple of weeks I have had to work late and I feel like my mind is elsewhere and not focused on you.  I’m not sure that I will ever get over that feeling of guilt.  I try and make it up to you over the weekends and boy do we have a lot of fun then.  Going to the market.  Playing and making forts. Hiding under the covers.  Giggling and laughing.  You love music and you love to sit and “dance”.  I think that is the most interesting thing – I don’t know where you picked up that. One day, you just started bobbing up an down to the music that we were playing…You’ve also surprised me and know how to blow your nose. Yes, I know, small things. But seriously – where in the world did you learn this? Just by watching us? You watch us do so many things over and over to teach you how to sign, talk, walk, etc. and this is the one thing you pick up and surprise me with.

I love the fact that you love to smell flowers and you love when we go out on the deck and I rub my fingers against the basil and let you smell. You’ve started doing this yourself of course and you get such a look of fascination. You are constantly exploring and trying out new things.

Today – on your 11 month of life – I learned the proverbial ‘ when there is quiet in a room where you are playing something not so good is probably happening’ lesson.  I decided that since you were playing contently in the living room that I would get some bills paid and let you and the Maggie B hang out.  Unfortunately, I ignored some earlier pawing from our poor old Maggie B…and as I was finishing up paying the bills I realized that it had gotten quite quiet and thought to myself that that couldn’t be good but there is absolutely nothing left in the living room for you to get yourself into trouble with so I continued finishing up the bills.  Five more minutes go by and still no peeps, squeals, or raucous was coming from the living room so I decided to check on you.  You were sitting in the middle of the living room with the Maggie B peering over your shoulder and in your hands you were squishing something brown and just smiled up at me and raised your arms to me so I could get a closer look.  EEEEEEWWWWWW!  I grabbed you, tried not to vomit, and ran you upstairs and plunked you in the bathtub, clothes and all.  You had dog poop in your nails, in between your toes, all over your clothes and the thought of you even eating it – still makes me want to hurl. Fortunately, I think you were smart enough to just squish it versus eating it. I still brushed out your mouth – for about 10 minutes.

Thank you my child for teaching me that silence is not necessarily golden.

And the funniest thing was the fact that the dog acted like she was nudging you on…standing over your shoulder watching you…it was as if she was whispering in your ear…You two are not allowed in the same room by yourselves anymore.

I am just fascinated by you and can’t believe that the changes in you over the past year should happen within a year. Who knew that you would know how to blow your nose and be willing to squish dog poop? However, it still is simply amazing to see how quickly a little tiny baby turns into an on-the-go child in less than a year. Your like a pop-up sponge.  A few drops of water changes the width and depth so quickly.

At times, I still have to remind myself that you are mine. That this whole thing is not a dream. It took years of month after month of heartbreak, hundreds of arguments with doctors and a few buckets of tears to get you here.  I guess in a way I’m still not over all of that and in a belief mode – even when you wake us up at 5am.

I am so grateful that you are a part of our life.

I’ll love you always,

in this life and the next,

Your Mom

Maggie B, Mom & Lido

Finger

So Dodo and Lido are at the grocery store and I thought I would get the turkey burgers, frittata and dinner made while they were gone…lots of similar veggies to chop…but since I cut my finger I decided that I would get a blog in and get blood over the keyboard versus over our veggies…it has been a LONG time and I haven’t even done Lido’s 10 month letter yet.  I will in the next couple of days. I promise.

Lately it has been a long haul to get through the days, the weeks, the months. I am not sure what is going on with me but man – it needs to level out. June brought good running vibes and was totally into it and had my goals set in place. Then July hit and along with it came late meetings, early mornings, cranky midnight/early morning baby, stress, stress, and fucking more stress. The everyday thought that we have no idea what will happen in September when Dodo hits his thousand flight hours. Do we move do we stay do we – what the hell do we do? Thus July was a completely no running month – except for the second to last week and I rocked…then 106 degree temperatures hit and I spent money that we didn’t have in order to buy a window unit for downstairs so we wouldn’t die of heat stroke or have to be holed up in our bedroom with the door closed for eternity.

Stress. That is about all I feel. Well, that and overwhelmed, under paid, lost, found, lost again, happy, sad, excited, nervous, ambitious, lazy as hell, confused, bewildered, and lost again.

I know what I want but I’m afraid to think too much about it because I know that I need to be available to all kinds of options in order for Dodo to get the helicopter job thing going. I don’t want to deviate from that because I know that it is going to pay off in the long-run. I want to dream of owning a home again. I want to dream of being in a place where we have a ton of friends and things to do with other people on the weekends. I want to dream of being able to afford a vacation as a family. I want to dream of just visiting some of our relatives. I’d like all of those dreams to come true though and I feel like until we know where Dodo is I shouldn’t bother dreaming those things because I’ll just be disappointed.

Wow. So not like me.

Although I am not typically an uber optimistic person, I am not an uber negative person. Right now though – I’m just existing. Breathing. That is it.

I need to get out of this funk. I need to rid myself of the negatives in my life. I need to set boundaries. Above all – I need to dream a bit and believe in those dreams coming true.

10 Months

My Dearest Lido,

10 months. 6 teeth. 1 step away from walking. Past the point of no return.

You are a bugger. You definitely know what you want and if we would just follow suit I’m sure things would be just brilliant…however…it is hard for us to go from a dead sleep to up and running at 6am.  Please be patient with us while we try and adjust.  It will take me longer than your father.

1 step away from walking and I think you have decided that you are going to concentrate on trying to say dada and mama…although you got the dada part right off the bat. Whatever. I’m only counting talking when you say ‘Mama, I love you’. So nothing is in the records books yet….

Your personality is just wonderful. You are – yes I must say it yet again – you are a happy happy child.  You just crack us up in the mornings with your on-the-go attitude at 6am – well, sometimes you crack us up.  You love when we pull the covers over our head and all 3 of us sit there.  Well, your Daddy and I sit there and you roll, crawl, go from one side to the other giggling the whole time and just enthralled with this concept that we are in our own little world underneath the covers.

Sound discovery – that’s you. You have discovered that it is fun to make sounds on our shoulders and your arm which is so funny. You go up to your Daddy and start making all kinds of sounds – mimicking what he does – and it is so damn adorable. It is just amazing the things that you pick up on.

I can’t write anymore since you are crying to be finished with breaksfast…so I must leave this letter to be finished and added to next month.

I love you my little loud bugger.

Your Mom

9 Months

My Dearest,

You are nine months old today.  Lately, I’ve been thinking more and more about the things that I want to teach you – the things that I want to teach you to help you develop into a happy, well-rounded, inquisitive, loving, gracious, easy-going, upstanding, loyal man.  I hope that I never make you feel like you must become “somebody”, meaning, make lots of money, become a doctor or lawyer, but rather I hope that I always make you feel like you must become “someone”.  Someone full of life, of hope, of kindness, of laughter, of playfulness, of responsibility. I don’t need to brag that my child is this or that but rather, I would hope to brag that my child defends the weak, loves the unlovable, has a great sense of humor, lives life to the fullest.

In wanting to teach you all of this, it is teaching me that I must do the same. Since, well, I suppose that you may follow in my footsteps – sometime more than I want you to.  I think that your father and I encompass all of these things – maybe not all at once and maybe not consistently – but overall.  I hope that by us following your Father’s dream and goal of being a helicopter pilot teaches you that it is okay to take a risk in life, no matter what age, no matter what moment in time, no matter what.  I hope that you see our struggles that we are going through and will go through and learn that couples/people go through these things because it is all a part of the path towards what we want.  I don’t want you to think that life is easy as I believe a child raised thinking this will grow into a very lazy adult.  Although, I don’t want you to see all the problems because I believe a child raised to see all the struggles and issues a family or a couple go through then becomes a very stressed child.  At the very least, I promise to shield and protect you and make certain that your childhood is a happy one and only divulge the struggles when they need to be divulged – in order to teach you.  I want to make certain that you know that when you start something – you finish it. I believe that this teaches you that 9 out of 10 times – you’ll end up liking what you started in the end and 10 out of 10 times you’ll at least have learned something from the experience.  And I hope that through all of these teachings, you know that you have parents that love you unconditionally and will support you no matter what (and by support – I don’t mean giving you everything….)

All of these things have been on my mind lately because well, you are growing so fast and I’m so afraid that I won’t give you one part of wisdom and you’ll grow up to be an asshole.  I find this highly unlikely because I don’t think we are assholes…and I think it takes one to make one…But still, it is on my mind.  I think that this is just part of my personality. When I think of something or want to do something – I want it done then and there. I have to remind myself you are only 9 months old and I have many more years…

Part of this is also because you seem to be moving at lighting speed. You pick up on things so quickly that I’m afraid I’m not doing enough or teaching you enough.  Over the past month you have mastered the stairs and are uber fast going up.  You have played your first game of toss with your Daddy…that only took about 5 seconds to understand what was being asked of you…”Lido throw the ball to Daddy like this”…giggle…and toss back!  You love being chased around the house and just shriek and laugh. Just tonight we showed you how to put the rings back on the base and after understanding that you couldn’t just throw it on the holder but had to be a little gentler and more precise…you did it. Our jaws dropped. It wasn’t an accident but deliberate – the look on your face told all.

You love being on our bed and crawling toward the comforter all piled up in the middle and burying your face in it. You love standing up and holding onto my hands and falling backwards into the soft cushiony down. You have even started to crawl around the living room and bury your face into anything plush and just giggle when Daddy does it too.

Yesterday, I watched you take a block and put it in a corner one way and take it out from in between the bookcase end. You spent 30 mintues doing this. You quickly discovered that there was more than one way to put it into the little corner that was surrounded by a box and bookshelf and toys in front.  You will take one item and decide that it needs to go on the top-most shelf and it doesn’t matter if you pick the item up from across the room…you are bound and determined to crawl over to the bookcase, pull yourself up while holding onto the item and place it on the shelf just barely out of reach.  You are loving putting things into boxes and taking them out and you do this over and over and over again.

One of the greatest things that you have started doing over this past month is “reading” your books. You finally decided that books can be looked at as well as eaten and so we get to read to you and flip pages and point out things in the book. Every once in a while we even get to read the actualy story to you.  We have some regular books (i.e. our books) that are out on a lower shelf on one of the bookcases and even though I was a bit hesitant at first – I’m glad that they are still there.  You love pulling them off the shelf and flipping the pages. I don’t blame you. It’s easier to flip pages on these books than on your books…I’m waiting for your first papercut or first round of ripping pages out. So far though, we have been lucky.

This month has also ushered in Panda the Cat being your friend.  I think she has finally realized that you are here to stay AND that you could potentially be a good playmate.  She loves coming onto the bed in the morning after we bring you in with us and snuggling up to you.  She even gave you kisses the other morning…you were asleep…She even lets you plop right on her or plop on her then proceed to crawl over her using her as an obstacle.  She is getting a bit choosier of when those times are.  I’m sure in the next month you will be chasing after her…because I would not be surprised if you took your first “by yourself” steps soon.  If you don’t have any distractions you are a fast little guy holding onto our fingers and we can pretty much just let you hang on for a bit of balance here and there.  Otherwise – it is all you.  Until you are distracted or tired.

Your Daddy pointed out tonight that you have 3 speeds. One speed is full out crazy energy. The second speed is sleeping and the third speed is about 5 minutes before you pass out.  You are still such an easy child even when you are on full speed and I’m just trying to get my first cup of coffee.  Because you are so easy it should make us know when something is wrong…but even then…you are a pretty easy child and we just figure that you are in a “mood”.  We never figure that you actually have a sinus infection and need meds…Yup – you had a sinus infection and the only reason we took you to the doctor was because you had this runny nose for a month.  Plus I was tired of hearing you sniff it all up into your brain.  Other than a bit of fussiness here and there I would never have known or thought that something was wrong.  I guess it is a lesson that you have taught us.  You are feeling much better and do not have the bouts of fussiness however, you have developped a new facial expression where you crunch up your nose and purse your lips together. You know use this when you don’t want something or are mad that you can’t have something (like the dog food).

Teeth – 4 teeth in all right now and you are loving your teeth.  You stick your tongue out at us all the time – I don’t think for the sake of a tongue sticking out contest but because you like the feel of your new top teeth against your tongue. You also like biting. Which has garnered you your first negative reaction from your parents. Along with loving to bury your face into pillows, blankets and carpet…you love biting whatever it is that you are burying your face into. So far you have managed to bite me in the arm, the boob and my stomach.  As for teaching you something – we are starting small this month and teeching you not to bite people. We’ll work on defending the little man later.  Your Daddy made a comment tonight about the fact that normally you don’t have to warn people when they pick up your child that he bites…I may need to get a warning label for you.

I still love the teeth though.

With the biting comes kissing…you will give us big kisses on occassion.  Never when we ask if we can have a kiss but it is when we are least expecting it and when you get excited about something or when we have to say goodbye or when we say hello.  I love these little moments because it is all you.  It is not us asking for it like it is some sort of parlor trick but it is a decision you are making and it is just precious to me. It means so much more just coming from you out of the blue than me asking for it. Thank you for that.

Bath time has changed over this past month. You have graduated from baths in the sink to baths in a rubber duck tub in the big bathtub.  You have also discovered splashing…which is so much fun…

Looking back on this past month and all the things you have been doing and learning, I realize that you have taught me far more than I have taught you.  I have a feeling that this is how it will be for the rest of our lives.  You are teaching me to be a better person, to relax, to be in the moment.  It is nice to be taught these things and live them day in and day out.  It actually makes this seemingly fleeting time go by a little slower. All I want to do is just sit and watch you. Just see life through your eyes.  See the little discoveries you make each minute.  Watch you work through something.  You are just amazing.

Just recently, I found out that an old friend has throat cancer which has now spread to her lungs and lymph nodes.  She just had a baby a little over a month ago.  I don’t know the full story of whether she found out about the throat cancer while she was pregnant or before.  All I know is that thinking about the most likely outcome for her – pains me – that she will probably not have these moments with her child that I am having with mine.  That her child will not know her Mom as you hopefully will know me.  I think that this is part of my panicky feeling of needing to impart all this “wisdom” to you.  However, I hope that if something would happen to me, that you could look back on my life and the stories that people have of me and the things that I have done and learn what it is that I want to teach you.  I hope and pray that we are never parted but I will always live my life with you to the fullest.  And you need to know that you have taught me, in the few months that you have been a part my life, that this is possible – everything else can wait.

My dearest Lido you are a wonder, a god-send, precious, loving and full of spunk.  You are perfect.

I love you always,

Your Mom

My two dearest men…this frickin’ gets me every time…you are sleeping the same…

Phew…

As far as I know I have survived another round of layoffs at work…I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised since I am on a project that is a ‘go’ in these times…but still…corporations do funny things sometimes.

Anyway – no talk about work.

We recently bought the Wii Active. And it promptly kicked my ass. And now I am trying to kick back at it…although I am a bit discouraged because in the past 7 days I have only taken 1 day off of not working out to the Wii Active or running and have lost ZIP!!!  What? I am getting older.  Before 30 – working out for 6 days straight would easily drop 10 lbs. I think for every year after 30…well…I think it takes that many months to lose it…I’m not gong to get discouraged yet. But seriously.

So Lido has been eating “real” food for quite some time and has now decided in the past few weeks that he is not really too happy with baby food any longer.  He has quite the appetite though which makes me need to get into gear about planning meals out a bit.  I don’t want to get into a rut of feeding him mac n cheese and hot dogs…He loves my frittata and quesidillas and goat cheese and havarti and I think I may need to get him to eat more fresh veggies versus what is in the frittata.  Although half the time those fresh veggies just slide right on through.

I’ll save all the rest of the little child discoveries for his 9 month later so you’ll be forced to come back and read my blog…

In other news…

I found something very interesting the other day but can’t think of what it is now.  Maybe I should start writing these items down or maybe it really wasn’t all that interesting and this is my mind’s way of telling me this.

I’ve got nothing. I think I’ll go work out.

Here is a picture to tide you over.

Seedlings

Lido is not 9 months yet….and with this post I will have posted at least twice prior to his 9 month letter….

Good sign.

My little seedlings are doing well. I get a small thrill each day going out and inspecting them and tallking to them. I never knew that a part of the seed is “shed” off from some plants as they sprout. It has been nice to take a step back and pay attention to the very very small things in life.

So I’ve been putting out some feelers regarding possible jobs for me in KC so that we can move back. Dodo is almost done with his hours and the company has recently implemented a 1000 hr. layoff policy…you reach your 1000 hrs and you are laid off…pretty much sucks right now because all the jobs out there just RAISED their minimums.  A lot of pilots are out of work – a lot of new low time pilots are out of work.  We both knew that it would take a bit of time to find the “perfect” job – years possibly – but we never thought we would be in the situation that we are facing. I don’t think any of our fellow pilot friends had any inkling of this either.

This is why I’ve started putting out the vibes to KC. Then I found something on the web for a place that I will not disclose. All I will tell you is that it is sunny pretty much all year around…surrounded by ocean…and life could go at a much much muuuuch slower pace.  Then I started daydreaming about what it would be like living there. How much fun and a great opportunity it would be to raise a kid (for a couple of years) there. Expose him to all sorts of cool things. Then I started thinking how nice it would be to just live a very simple life. Sell most of our things…pack up the rest…

It isn’t that I don’t want to move back because I do. It’s just that we came here to Portland for one reason. We have to keep that reason in the forefront of our minds while really taking an opportunity that may be a lot of fun for a while. I’m sure it would be hard…that much further away. I just don’t want to get down the road in 10 years and say I wish I would have taken that experience…even if it turns out to be not what we expected.

We have so many ideas that we are tossing up in the air…starting our own school back in KC…on a small scale…but it would be mainly to get Dodo the additional hours that he needs for something else…so would our hearts really be in it for the right reasons?

Move back and not fly for a while and see if things….turn around? I don’t think that they really will in the aviation industry.  Maybe in several years.  This situation will definitely weed out the players that go out and make something happen versus those that peruse the boards and wait for something to happen.  I don’t really want to move back and have Dodo not fly. I don’t think that either of us would be happy.  A dream would be very stagnant.

I have struggled for several years about feeling like I am out of my element. That this is not home. That I miss my family and friends too much to stay away any longer. Thinking about what we may need to do so that Dodo can fly…and having a child…changes things.  I’d love for him to have some really great experiences while he is a child even if that means he may not remember all of them but at least he will know that his parents took a chance, gave him an opportunity to taste different cultures at a young and in a sense bucked the system.  He may grow up and never leave the one place we settle down in…but I think taking chances right now…having another adventure with a kid in tow…I think it may do all of us good in the end.

In some ways our move to Portland has been preparing me the last 3 years of doing something like this….I think that it is still preparing me for it.  It is definitely teaching me to make more than one plan, be ready for anything and think outside the box when it comes to raising our little family.

Who knows what the next couple of months will bring. Am I prepared to move…are we financially prepared to move…not really. Maybe this is another lesson…The whole situation is a bit like my little seedlings.  I don’t know what all of them are but some look the same and those that look the same are growing differently. The ones that were planted not from seeds but from plants are doing well…but part of them are not…some of established plants are coming back to life…Some of the seeds are not coming up at all even though they are supposed to be coming up right now…and some are sprouting and shedding their shells.

Right now our little family is planting our seeds, watching our plants that we already have continue to grow and waiting to see what comes up in that pot on the left side of the deck…Some things may never grow past a certain point, some things may grow only for one season and yet some things may grow big and live a long time.

Wherever we end up – is where we are supposed to be.

2 Days…2 More

I can’t say I was the happiest person in the entire world when I was told that I was getting a paycut then 2 months later told that I could no longer bill for over 40 hours.  Then I wasn’t too happy about the prospect of not being able to bill over 32 hours every other week.  You see, employees got a paycut and also have a mandatory day off every other week…the work load is still there…for everyone.  I was saved from the last part, however, I’ve been having to work over 40 hrs in order to get some things done and accomplished…so I am not taking part in the every other week off thing…It happened to fall over this weekend which gave me a much deserved 4 day weekend.

The weather has been super fantastic. Yes, I said super and fantastic together….get over it.  When it rains for 9 months…I deserve to be able to use super fantastic as a descriptive.

LiDo and I have been running around and yes, I wanted the house cleaned and organized by this evening…I don’t think I’m going to get there.  Maybe. However, I hung new curtains in his room as well as rearranged a bit.  I did clean up the kitchen – a few times now – and I also got great deals on deck planters and a rose bush…each for $5.  So, I planted my little seedlings and replanted the rose bush with LiDo sitting in his bouncy outside on the deck.  It was really fun to listen to him gabble the afternoon away and just dig in the dirt.

I planted some seeds a bit over a month ago.  I can’t tell you what I planted.  I threw the packages away and didn’t write it down either. I think I like it that way.  I cleaned out the deck planters that I had from last year and just pretty much threw the seeds in each one…didn’t follow much of the directions regarding spacing due to the fact that it was being put into a planter and not the ground…replanted some of the bulbs I had from last year….didn’t know what they were either….and now…I have a nice start to some great flowers and hostas.

Typically I plant flowers that already have some blooms or are about ready to get there.  I must say – it has been so much more enjoyable planting the seeds and wondering if they will sprout, watching them slowly sprout, going out to them every day and getting excited to see them doing something!  I feel such a sense of accomplishment. A sense of newness. A slow anticipation that won’t kill me.

It is kind of strange, this feeling.  I mean, I did incubate a child for 9 months.  So, to feel such joy and anticipation from planting a few seeds…

I’m not sure about any of you but we here in the DoDo household are trying to cut back.  We are doing good at this in several areas…bad in others…and quite honestly, having flowers for our deck this summer did not make the budget list.  However, when I looked at a seed packet for $1…well, I decided I would “try it out”.  One of my main problems with all this cutting back is that quite honestly, I feel like I can’t have any fun or have the pleasure of something that I so enjoyed before (like planting flowers).  I am used to that instant gratification that money buys.

Instant gratification.  Isn’t that so much of what all of our purchases are about?  How many items have you purchased that gave you pleasure the first five minutes (that were not battery operated) and they are now sitting in your garage/basement/yard sale?  My $1 purchase of seeds has ended up bringing me 2 months of satisfaction, joy, pleasure and more than anything else the feeling of excitement for what may come next.

I’m thankful for my $1 seeds and my $5 rose bush.  Both have taught me that I don’t have to have the best or the most perfect.  All I need is something that I can work with, nurture, grow and along with that I have a bit more patience.

All things that help get us through the days.

With that thought in mind, I’m leaving the laundry, kitchen, bathroom to do when I can.  Otherwise, over the next two whole days, I’m nurturing my family and watching us grow together.  Putting some much needed water in the soil so to speak.

Month 8

And changing.

My Dearest Lido,

What a world you are opening up to us.  You are and absolutely incredible child – if my opinion counts for anything.  I have been amazed yet again at the ease you seem to have for anything that we throw at you.  A 5 hour car trip that turned into 8 hours but ended up well worth the trip to visit the Redwood Forest with your Nanna B and Yaya.  We stayed in a cabin for 4 days and a Yurt for 1 night and the entire time we were there it rained. We bundled you up – strapped you in your carrier or in the stroller and we were off to be explorers.  The trees were magnificent as they always will be (hopefully) and you were magnificent and looked at everything and were a very happy baby the whole time.  We even drove past the cabin your Daddy and I stayed in a couple of Christmas’ ago…and not long after we found out we were having you.  I decided that I would probably do more harm that good by getting you out of the car seat and taking a picture of you in front of the cabin – so I held back.  I figured I could keep that embarrassing item (for you) off of the “mom’s embarrassing item list that she tells everyone”.  Just don’t go and read this post when you are older….

It was a fun trip ad interesting trip and a hard trip. I’ve never had to travel with 2 small children and have to remember to pack everything and boy – do you have a lot of stuff!  I’m lucky I’m not one of those parents that like a ton of kids crap…the car wouldn’t fit everything!

I was completely amazed at how you looked at everything.  We took a hike through Lady Bird Johnson Grove and you were mainly interested in the O’s you were eating but every once in a while you took it all in.  The main thing you loved was the small aquarium we went to at Crescent City and being able to pet the sharks…although you barely got to because I would have had to dunk you half way in in order to get you down to their level…but we made up for it at the Oregon Aquarium in Newport. You got to touch some star fish and rock things of some kind but we stayed away from the anemones this time…they may not hurt us but for you…it could have left a bit of a welt.  But you were fascinated by all of it and I don’t think you really wanted to move on to the next thing.  You were so great petting the star fish and would stick your litttle fingers in the water and touch it and turn around and look at me with the biggest smile.  I think that the volunteers were turning blue because they thought that you would just poke and grab at them but you didn’t. You were very gentle and very enthralled with the whole thing – It was so surprising to me.  At 8 months.

Your other favorite were the jelly fish and the starfish that was as big as you!  I so hope that you continue the enthusiasm and daringness that you have now (well, maybe not the daringness). I want you to explore and learn and it was so utterly cool that you were really enjoying yourself.

It has been a couple of months since you became “officially mobile”…and you haven’t stopped. You climbed the stairs – not just one step but the entire staircase Saturday morning.  Your Daddy and I figured that if you were going to do it we might as well teach you the right way – you started with the first and on to the second with no problem.  Then you tried the third but then kept looking back not sure if you really wanted to go that much further from ‘home base’ but after a little coaxing and reassurance you managed the rest of the steps beautifully. Now we are just teach you how to go down the steps…I think that will take a bit longer. Your Dad and I have to figure it out first!

Seeing you thinking about taking that next “step” made me start to think about how I want you to always feel, no matter what choice you make, that you have us both on that staircase with you at all times.  I’m sure life will bring you many things – and you will make decisions that I don’t agree with but I want you to always feel that even though I may not agree with your decision, that I will always be there beside you whether you go up a step or whether you must come down a step.  I know the one thing that I appreciated most about my parents (looking back on life of course) was that they always were there to support me or catch me. I think that is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give their child.  All of that along with knowing that even though they not always agreed with my choices – they were my choices to make and no matter what – they would be there.  I hope that life finds you thinking the same thing about us – even though it may take some time to realize.

I was looking at you a few days ago while you were sleeping in my arms and told myself that one day I would wake up and you would be this grown man.  I stared at your face and imagined what you would look like, be like. I wondered how much grief you would give us…and couldn’t imagine such a sweet child giving us any grief at all.

Month 8 has brought you to a world of crawling, standing and attempting to walk, two bottom teeth that are just too adorable and as of a couple of days ago…2 top teeth making their way out.  You once again are growing too fast.

I love you my dearest little boy.

Your Mom

Always.

7 months…and a few days

My dearest darling child,

You are seven months old and 1 week today.  The reason that I am just now writing to you a week later than normal is because you have decided to just grow up.

It seems that since you were able to experience sticking your toes in sand for the first time you have decided that you need to become Mobile. Mobile with a capital M. Actually it should probably be all caps, bolded, highlighted, underlined, strikethrough, amortized, uplifted, generally anything that you may do to a word – it should be done to this one.  You’ve been doing the whole scoot thing for quite a while but not too long ago you decided to crawl for the first time and that was just a thrill.  Then you decided that the whole sticking your butt up in the air and doing a handstand wasn’t quite what you were going for – I figure that you were just checking out your legs and the fact that they didn’t have to be in a bent position but indeed could be straight – and you decided that you were going to surprise Mommy one morning and be standing in your crib.  The look on your face was priceless.  I’m sure the look on my was equally priceless.  You were so terribly proud of yourself and full of smile (but then again – you are rarely without a smile or laugh).  Ever since then – you have been unstoppable. You even managed to climb a stair and are wondering if you could go the length of our staircase….please don’t.

Recently we had an outting to the park during a nice warm and sunny day where you reminded me to take a look and a big breath and remember that the things you are experiencing, you are experiencing for the first time.  It was refreshing to watch you dig your toes into the mud and feel the grass tickly your feet and go in between your chubby little toes.  You just stared and everything and grabbed everything and tried to eat everything and I stood there just wondering what you were thinking.  You have a look that says you are just trying to gobble up everything and put it to all corners of your brain…filing it away for future reference.  It makes me want to slow down life and just watch you and do nothing more.  It has a calming effect on me – makes me want to slow down so I don’t miss any of you – and I don’t miss watching you find things in this world.

You were born with such a happy personality and that certainly hasn’t changed. You are incredibly happy and full of laughs and giggles.  You are also a very determined little guy.  You see something you want and you just beeline for it.  There is no deterring you so we are slowly letting you just look and touch and feel whatever it is that you want.  It makes life a bit easier when child proofing the house for you would mean we get rid of everything and put bubble wrap on the walls, floor and ceiling. Energy abounds in your world and sometimes we think you are on crack and wish we could be as well.  You are constantly wanting to move and have definitely developped the times when you want to be left alone to play (early morning), the times when you want to be near us (when I’m getting ready of course) and the times when you are content to be crawling and crab walking around the living room playing but have us in your sights (evening).  I think if we let you you would just go, go, go…and never stop.  Thankfully you are good about your 8:30 bedtime (or 7:30 like tonight although you have been quite the energizer bunny the past 2 days so I’m not surprised).

For all of your laughs and smiles you have developped a piercing cry to let us know that whatever we are doing – you don’t want done – or we are not fast enough doing it.  We constantly have a bottle on standby because when you do slow your pace down and are hungry – you have no time to waste (this is to temper the not fast enough thing). And like tonight – you screached after I changed your diaper (since you fell asleep on me for 3 hours) and didn’t stop until I laid you down on our bed to make sure the diaper wasn’t cutting off circulation and you promptly turned over on your tummy and fell asleep letting me know that it wasn’t a diaper issue (this was the your not doing it right nor what I want moment).  I think we are getting everything figured out and hope that we are not damaging you too much.  But the way you go – I think we are going to need therapy – or crack – to keep us going!!

You are a wonderful gift, a happy baby and changing way too fast for me. I love this stage of you right now because it reminds me to slow down and look at the world a little differently.  With the stresses that are in our lives right now, it relaxes me and makes me have hope for the world and for our family when I look at the world through your window.  Even if it may be short little glimpes to catch the bluer sky or feel the cool breeze tickling my cheeks or the cool mud between my toes – it is those short little glimpses that make me take a deeper breath at work and have a calmer outlook on life.

You are my sunshine.

Love,

Your Mommy