In a couple days, it will officially be our 1 year anniversary from the day we walked into our new house in our new city.
Saturday marked the day when we locked our doors for the last time, after having a wonderful evening amongst friends in a house without furniture but a house filled with love. I’m quite positive all the happiness, the love, the laughter, was felt by the new family who entered the house the next morning…
Walking into that house 6 years prior, I fell in love with it. The signs were significant that I was doing exactly what I needed to do. My world was turned upside down, my future obliterated when Doug died. Finding this house made me feel like I had a place, that I would have a future – I didn’t know what it would entail but I knew it was the right decision.
It was five years later that I started feeling a pull back to this city, where my son was born and a city that I enjoyed so much. It wasn’t the first time I had wanted to be here – I was meant to live here…and I was going back home.
This past year has brought a time of transition but Lido and I rock transitions now…we know what we need to do to feed our soul, anchor ourselves and embrace all of the great things around us – even when it is a little difficult. Taking hikes in the park by our house allows us the quiet and the solitude to just be. Walking in silence, talking about things, opening our eyes to the little things around us, has helped in this transition to this new life out here. Lido has had his ups and downs but after the first few months at school, he flourished and now the only thing I’m worried about is the basic (and not so basic) parenting worries we all have for our kids no matter our circumstances.
The coast calls to us on a monthly basis. We have explored new areas and new beaches and frequented the old places. I am able to share stories with him. Stories of my life with Doug out here, where we grew up as a couple, just him and I. The adventures we had, the places we explored, where we celebrated. I wasn’t sure how I would react to being in “this place” and I’ve been surprised at my feelings of being surrounded by all of these memories – seeing the ghosts of our life, walking ahead of Lido and I. It brings me peace. A peace that I didn’t expect. Some of the more difficult places, as I drive by where I had “the phone call”, pulled over to throw up – well, that place is a bit difficult to pass but as I do, I hold it in love and ride the wave…
The sights we see on a daily basis are wonderful to behold and I’m constantly amazed at the beauty that surrounds us. I have loved this place for most of my life. Some of my first memories are of here, when my Mom and I lived here for a while…my green puffy down coat and playing in the water beneath a waterfall…many of you don’t know that I’ve lived here before. When I was three – this part of the country got into my bones and I always knew I’d return here.
I’ve begun to earnestly work on the house and make the changes I knew I wanted to make when I bought it. We are making friends and becoming part of the community more and more and reconnecting with old friends. Liam loves the stories I have about our life out here and more importantly – we love writing our new stories and that was what this move was all about – writing our story.
The biggest realization (or actually, reminder) I’ve had over the past year is that this life we live, no matter our circumstances, no matter our past, is amazingly beautiful and when we embrace living it – even in the darkest of dark moments – our story is something to behold and it is equally amazing to see how moments can change everything and our biggest part in the story…to live it with gusto, with love, with compassion, with hope. There will be detractors and there will be people in your life that do not understand or tell you that you are running away or doing it wrong and it is up to you to keep putting pen to paper and writing YOUR story. When you stand firm in what you want in your life, what you want to surround yourself with, the people you want a part of your life – the voices of the naysayers and the detractors are hushed because of the roar of the supporters who love you and want to see where the journey takes you.
Life isn’t perfect and I make mistakes on a daily basis. It hasn’t been easy to be here the past year but without the hard parts, the beauty wouldn’t be as great. I’ve lost friendships, family…and those losses weigh heavily on me but I’ve learned that sometimes all you can do is send love to those people – from a distance – and that’s okay. I struggle with this but I stand firmly in wanting to live this life fully because honestly – why the fuck did Doug die? If I shrivel up, stay in my house, not get out and experience things…what does his death mean then? What does his life mean? What does my life mean?
Take a chance on life and live it fully. See the beauty in the simple and little things…the most amazing things do not need to be great. Support those around you – be happy for their successes and love them through their losses. Go out and live your life and take chances and be open to opportunities. Live love. Live authentically.
…and come visit us…its beautiful here.
Love always, in this life and the next,