Putting your life in someone elses hands…Otherwise known as having no control.

Is something we do everyday.  Driving down the street we trust people not to hit us. Sitting in our cube, we trust that the person next to us won’t blow us away.  We walk across the street and trust the cars, bikes, other pedestrians not to mow us over. We visit the doctor and trust that they are making the right decisions for our life. We get on airplanes and trust that the pilot a)doesn’t fall asleep and if he does b)the auto-pilot is on and if that isn’t the case that the c) co-pilot isn’t an idiot.  You know, the average day to day activities where we ultimately are trusting and putting our life into someone else’s hands.

This week I am finding that I am trying to prepare myself to step out of the mundane, average “I trust you not to hit me with your car/run me over” trusts and step into a whole other realm of trust that I have not visited before. 

I am flying with my husband Sunday.

I can just hear all of you now saying “How cool is that?/It is going to be awesome/Why are you nervous i.e. blogging about trust?”

Simply – I have trust issues and passenger issues.

So there. 

Fuck off.

Seriously folks – I can barely be a passenger in a car without permanently denting the side door with my bloody fingernails.  I will gasp every time you pull to a stop behind a car because I really think that you are not going to stop in time.  I will reach out and grab your arm if I see cars slowing down on the highway 2 miles ahead and ask why are you not slowing down don’t you see them 2 miles ahead slowing down?????  I will get into verbal arguments on why you should stop at least a cars length away from the car ahead of you (just in case the car behind you slams into you propelling you forward at least you have a bit of a chance of not hitting the car in front of you and therefore saving money on your insurance because you ended up being hit and not hitting the car in front of you because the car behind you hit you – just in case you were wondering).  I can’t even let a limo-driver do his job without making sure he knows the correct route to get somewhere and get there on time (I did this on Dodo’s 30th when Jen and I rented a limo for the boys’ birthday…they all had to tell me to relax and let him do his job). 

I even tried sleeping in the car on our way home from Seattle Sunday evening while Dodo drove.  I COULD NOT DO IT.  I tried. I tried. I tried. I have to be really really tired, I mean passing out, can’t keep my head up tired to fall asleep in the car.

The thing is – I used to never be like this.  Well, maybe just a little but it is getting worse.

I have nightmares about this crap.  Recently I had a dream where I was at my Aunt & Uncle Montana’s house and it had windows from floor to ceiling.  You looked over this really big river and the scenery was breathtaking.  I was sitting on one of the window seats drinking coffee and my Mom was there with me.  I was looking out on the river and notice all the wildlife – Elk, Moose, rabbits, fox and then I saw this beaver sitting on top of his damn.  This beaver was HUGE.  He (I am assuming it was a he) jumped into the river and I watched him as he went downstream.  There I saw all these brown bears.  I started worrying for the beaver because I though he would get eaten (I don’t know if bears eat beavers) but anyway – that was my concern at that moment.  I started pointing all of this out to my Mom and then I noticed a ginormous black bear on the opposite side of the river.  I pointed him out to my Mom and we just kind of watched him a little bit.  Then all of a sudden he started running towards us and the house.  I yelled at my Mom to get a gun and she just was not reacting. Then he (the bear) slammed head first into the window but lucky for us he hit the metal bar that held the two pieces of glass together. We both screamed and started running away from the window and I happened to look back and he was gone.  I then went to the other side of the house (more large glass windows) and was by the front door looking out to see if I could spot him.  Then I noticed that the door was part-way open.  I am yelling for my Mom to get a gun and she acts like this is no big deal and starts arguing with me.  I yell for her to help me as I see a claw wrapping around the door.  I look back to where my Mom was, still pleading for her to get a gun and she is not there.  She is gone!  My MOTHER was gone.  So – I end up having to find a gun and shoot the damn bear myself.  My final thought in my dream was “you can trust anyone to do it for you”.

IIt isn’t as if my Mom or Dodo has ever given me reason not to trust them with my life.  Actually it has been quite the opposite.  Actually, this whole thing is really not about trust alone – it is about control.  I like to be in control.  When I am not in control – well, lets just say, I don’t like it.  If something is out of my control then I find a way to get it back in control under my terms. Like lost luggage.  Ask Mrs. J about that one.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I enjoy working in groups and doing things and planning things with other people but it better damn well be fair and I better damn well be the one spear-heading the whole thing – unless you are the same type of person and we can just split the responsibilities in two if you convince me that is the correct course of action to take at the time.  Otherwise – your on your own and I’ll do my own thing anyway….no, just kidding…well, not really…I’m only like that with some things….really I am….only with one or two things….maybe a couple more than that…but that’s it…really.  Seriously.

So back to the whole going flying with the hubby Sunday.  I figure that this is the ultimate test for me and very likely will open up a whole new dimension in our life together because for the first time I will have to put my trust in someone completely amd without arguments or comments or I should actually narrow this sentence down and say “this is the first time that I will put complete control in Dodo’s hands”.  This isn’t meant to sound like I control absolutely everything and make all of the decisions.  I don’t.  We talk about decisions, about what we are planning, what ideas we have to handle different things.  We come to an agreement that we can both live with.  We back down a bit trying to control things that we know the other person has a handle on – that doesn’t mean either of us sit quietly by…

But come Sunday

I will not have any control what – so – ever.

AND

I will also have to sit there quietly.

I can not grab the ‘steering wheel’ to keep us from harm.  I can not warn him about a tree 2 miles ahead of us.  I can not grab his shoulder and get into an argument about why you should not fly within 10 miles of another aircraft (I would never win that one – I do much better with the car/insurance argument).  I can not grab the side door with my fingernails until they bleed or use my imaginary brake pedal.  I can do nothing….

Except be the recipient of a great gift – the gift of being a part of his dream.

…and take a shit-load of pictures.

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