A time…

When we were living in KC, owned our house, were involved in things…I took great pride in keeping up our house, doing things, not sitting around like a schlep.  Yes – my house got dirty just like the next persons but it felt like a home, it felt comfortable, it felt, well – it felt perfect.

I think I hit upon something profound last night.  For the last year and a half – I’ve been depressed.  Granted, I’ve tried making our place a “home” but the feeling lasts for only a short period of time.  I’ll get the can of paint out – try and make a pleasing atmosphere…it lasts for a day and then I schlep.  I take care of bills, I do the dishes every once in a while, laundry too.  I’ve even been known to plant something in a pot and put it out on the deck.  But all in all – I work long hours – why?  Maybe because I don’t want to come back to this place and feel like I am a visitor, be alone. 

I think both Dodo and I have been feeling the same way for a while.  I’m not sure if it is because we were hoping that things would just be easy – like making friends, the city, etc.  Or because we are completely out of our element and bringing a baby into whatever it is that we do have.  It freaks me out that I feel this way and am scared that once this baby comes – I’ll be even worse.  That scares the shit out of me.  I don’t want to be depressed – I don’t want to feel worse with more of the post-partum depression.  I can’t do it. 

A time has come to make a change. 

I have 8 weeks to flip the mind around – flip the attitude around – flip the whole life.  This baby will not come back to a place where we feel like we are just visiting.  He will come back to a home. 

I am a complete believer in that if I have a messy, unorganized home then something is going on with me.  To me – it signals a problem – it signals a cluttered mind.  If you would take a look back at my life – when things were great – my bedroom was spotless, clothes organized, etc.  When it was crap – you could hardly see my bed.  Unfortunately, that “mind clutter” has seeped into my living room, kitchen, etc.  The clutter has to go – literally and figuratively. 

Each evening after work – not working late if I don’t have to – we are doing something around the house.  We are finishing the baby’s room.  We are actually going to use our kitchen and take the time to cook.  We are going to put things in boxes just to declutter.  We are going to get this space and our mind in a better place. 

A time has come.

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2 Comments on “A time…”

  1. Jen Says:

    I would highly, highly recommend a good Omega 3 supplement during the last trimester (and then especially post-partum). That and the B vits will help tremendously.

    Good luck, mama. I hope you feel more peace before you bring peanut into the world. Hugs to you and Dodo!

  2. javagirl Says:

    Good idea…I do need to pay a bit more attention to the vits! Thanks for the support and advice.

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