Archive for August 2009

4 weeks to a Year

16 August, 2009

My Dearest Lido,

This time last year we were counting down the weeks that you would be here.  With a due date of September 9th we didn’t think it would take you another 4 weeks to arrive and when you did arrive…well…I think that you would have liked to stay a few more days.

You have hit so many milestones this past month.  At 10 months you took your first steps and in the weeks to follow you have ventured out and have taken steps just by yourself – we catch you out of the corner of our eye and then look at each other and say ‘did he just walk over there?’ You have started saying Dada and Mama and love kissing the Panda kitty and are very kind to our old Maggie B.  You love hiding behind the curtains and peek-a-booing. Your face just lights up and you can just see the joy in your eyes and also the spark of orneriness…

Just like you decided to start eating solid food, you have decided that you don’t really want a bottle at all during the day.  It still takes us a bit to figure these things out but when we do…I go out and buy $200 worth of groceries and it is all for you.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.  It is fun to see this part of your personality keep developing and I wonder how you will be when you grow up.  You definitely have an opinion on what we should be doing and what you want to do.  I think you’ve decided that you are 2 and not 11 months.

It is still so very hard to leave you during the day and unfortunately the past couple of weeks I have had to work late and I feel like my mind is elsewhere and not focused on you.  I’m not sure that I will ever get over that feeling of guilt.  I try and make it up to you over the weekends and boy do we have a lot of fun then.  Going to the market.  Playing and making forts. Hiding under the covers.  Giggling and laughing.  You love music and you love to sit and “dance”.  I think that is the most interesting thing – I don’t know where you picked up that. One day, you just started bobbing up an down to the music that we were playing…You’ve also surprised me and know how to blow your nose. Yes, I know, small things. But seriously – where in the world did you learn this? Just by watching us? You watch us do so many things over and over to teach you how to sign, talk, walk, etc. and this is the one thing you pick up and surprise me with.

I love the fact that you love to smell flowers and you love when we go out on the deck and I rub my fingers against the basil and let you smell. You’ve started doing this yourself of course and you get such a look of fascination. You are constantly exploring and trying out new things.

Today – on your 11 month of life – I learned the proverbial ‘ when there is quiet in a room where you are playing something not so good is probably happening’ lesson.  I decided that since you were playing contently in the living room that I would get some bills paid and let you and the Maggie B hang out.  Unfortunately, I ignored some earlier pawing from our poor old Maggie B…and as I was finishing up paying the bills I realized that it had gotten quite quiet and thought to myself that that couldn’t be good but there is absolutely nothing left in the living room for you to get yourself into trouble with so I continued finishing up the bills.  Five more minutes go by and still no peeps, squeals, or raucous was coming from the living room so I decided to check on you.  You were sitting in the middle of the living room with the Maggie B peering over your shoulder and in your hands you were squishing something brown and just smiled up at me and raised your arms to me so I could get a closer look.  EEEEEEWWWWWW!  I grabbed you, tried not to vomit, and ran you upstairs and plunked you in the bathtub, clothes and all.  You had dog poop in your nails, in between your toes, all over your clothes and the thought of you even eating it – still makes me want to hurl. Fortunately, I think you were smart enough to just squish it versus eating it. I still brushed out your mouth – for about 10 minutes.

Thank you my child for teaching me that silence is not necessarily golden.

And the funniest thing was the fact that the dog acted like she was nudging you on…standing over your shoulder watching you…it was as if she was whispering in your ear…You two are not allowed in the same room by yourselves anymore.

I am just fascinated by you and can’t believe that the changes in you over the past year should happen within a year. Who knew that you would know how to blow your nose and be willing to squish dog poop? However, it still is simply amazing to see how quickly a little tiny baby turns into an on-the-go child in less than a year. Your like a pop-up sponge.  A few drops of water changes the width and depth so quickly.

At times, I still have to remind myself that you are mine. That this whole thing is not a dream. It took years of month after month of heartbreak, hundreds of arguments with doctors and a few buckets of tears to get you here.  I guess in a way I’m still not over all of that and in a belief mode – even when you wake us up at 5am.

I am so grateful that you are a part of our life.

I’ll love you always,

in this life and the next,

Your Mom

Liam9Months 097

Maggie B, Mom & Lido

Advertisements

Finger

3 August, 2009

So Dodo and Lido are at the grocery store and I thought I would get the turkey burgers, frittata and dinner made while they were gone…lots of similar veggies to chop…but since I cut my finger I decided that I would get a blog in and get blood over the keyboard versus over our veggies…it has been a LONG time and I haven’t even done Lido’s 10 month letter yet.  I will in the next couple of days. I promise.

Lately it has been a long haul to get through the days, the weeks, the months. I am not sure what is going on with me but man – it needs to level out. June brought good running vibes and was totally into it and had my goals set in place. Then July hit and along with it came late meetings, early mornings, cranky midnight/early morning baby, stress, stress, and fucking more stress. The everyday thought that we have no idea what will happen in September when Dodo hits his thousand flight hours. Do we move do we stay do we – what the hell do we do? Thus July was a completely no running month – except for the second to last week and I rocked…then 106 degree temperatures hit and I spent money that we didn’t have in order to buy a window unit for downstairs so we wouldn’t die of heat stroke or have to be holed up in our bedroom with the door closed for eternity.

Stress. That is about all I feel. Well, that and overwhelmed, under paid, lost, found, lost again, happy, sad, excited, nervous, ambitious, lazy as hell, confused, bewildered, and lost again.

I know what I want but I’m afraid to think too much about it because I know that I need to be available to all kinds of options in order for Dodo to get the helicopter job thing going. I don’t want to deviate from that because I know that it is going to pay off in the long-run. I want to dream of owning a home again. I want to dream of being in a place where we have a ton of friends and things to do with other people on the weekends. I want to dream of being able to afford a vacation as a family. I want to dream of just visiting some of our relatives. I’d like all of those dreams to come true though and I feel like until we know where Dodo is I shouldn’t bother dreaming those things because I’ll just be disappointed.

Wow. So not like me.

Although I am not typically an uber optimistic person, I am not an uber negative person. Right now though – I’m just existing. Breathing. That is it.

I need to get out of this funk. I need to rid myself of the negatives in my life. I need to set boundaries. Above all – I need to dream a bit and believe in those dreams coming true.