My Darling

My Darling Husband,

I write to you for the first time since your death, I suppose to maybe take a moment to make sure that you know it is every second that I think about you even though at this moment I have no idea how I continue.

The first couple of days without you, I knew you were gone but there would be sounds, movements, times of the day or evening that I expected that it was you or that it was time for you to come home. Now, I feel as if, well, I feel completely numb. I haven’t had the chance to really be completely alone to just let my thoughts roll until this moment and now I am afraid that if I dare think of you or reach out to you that it will be the absolute end of me. And I feel like I must not do that right now. There are so many people here to love you and see you off in the most proper way that I, as you of all people would expect, can not find the moments to take.

Lido is missing you. He is too smart of a little boy and loved you too much to think only that something is different. He knows you are not here for him to see.  Not here to take your patches off of your flight suit when you arrive home. Instead, right now he takes the patches and tries to stick them on me or whomever is holding him and doesn’t understand why they don’t stick.

I don’t know if it is the right thing or the healthy thing to do but we say goodnight to your picture every night and this morning he was lying in bed with me pointing to your picture – I gave it to him and he promptly kissed you. He followed it with knocking his head with the picture frame over and over again…so, I’m not sure what that means….but I know what the first part means. He loves you. The second part, well, I’ll watch for more signs…and maybe get him a bucket to put on his head.

We went to the crash site today. I told you that you must come back with me. I told you that no part of you must stay here or at that site…I guess a little bit can stay here as long as you watch out for the other pilots. Or at least flit about the country and the world watching out for all of your friends. But the majority of you – well – I want that part.

You are the only person that knew me so completely. I have found myself remembering things about you and wanting to share and stopping short because I just know that no one else will get it. No one else will understand each other the way we did.  Or maybe I should say that no one else will understand me the way you did. It seems that everyone understood exactly who you were – you were so perfect for everyone.

I still expect you to come home to me and I still do not believe this is true. I miss you so much.

Love your wife.

In this life and the next

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One Comment on “My Darling”

  1. sharon sonson Says:

    jessi, i am so very sorry for your loss. i cannot begin to imagine how you feel as i remember hearing you talk about doug and how i always thought that you two were perfect for each other. you have so much strength in you, even if you don’t feel it now. like you’ve always done, you will pick yourself up and find the strength to do things and live your life for you and your son. please know that you and your family are in my prayers. i know that we’ve lost touch, but i am and will always be here for you if you need me. doug will always be there for you when you find your at your worst. i love you jessi.


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