4 years

My Dearest Husband,

It has actually been over 6 years that we met…again. Tomorrow will be our 4 year wedding anniversary. I can’t quite say will have been as nothing is quite true at this moment. I still haven’t taken the moment to have caught my breath as I really don’t want to. Right now I’m trying to hold off on being mad and repeating how unfair this all is.

You were not supposed to be taken from me. I always figured that we would both die in our old age and hopefully lying next to each other making fun of each other’s ‘wobbly bits’. I wasn’t supposed to lose you now.

We are back in KC now. It has been hard. I called you on your cell phone when we landed just to let you know that we were here okay and that Lido was fine and enjoyed the window seat…I suppose I should have probably pulled over since I was driving a rental and couldn’t see much.

Tonight your friends and my friends were over. All the kiddos were here as well. Lido had a ton of fun playing and all I could think about was the fact that you should have been here playing with them, having a beer with your friends and swapping kid stories.

I am so thankful that you got to experience a year of firsts with your son. First time he rolled over, first time he smiled, first time he walked, first time he threw a ball, first time he climbed the couch and at the same time – we just haven’t had enough firsts. Even in this past week he has changed and I remind my self that I must remember everything that he does and tell you everything. Tell him everything about you. That is why I pick myself up and am writing to you now.

It has been wonderful to hear of the things people tell of you – all the wild times, all the fun times, all the serious times. I need all of those memories so that I can tell Lido about them. I may hold of on some of the stories when he is much much older. But I need to know them. I need to hear them. Even though sometimes it is too hard. Even though our story was supposed to go on much longer.

I don’t know what people may think of me using this mode to speak to you but I don’t care. Maybe people will see a wife and a husband who were in life together and very much in love – I hope that is what they see. We had our ups and a few minor downs but all marriages are like this. One of the things that I take with me from you is being in the now. I was the planner – you were the one who said ‘stop and breath’. If only I could do that now.

4 years ago tomorrow we were married.  It was the second best day of my life. The first, was meeting you again and our second first date. We always said that during the in between dating time, we were always searching for something in a person and it ended up we were searching for people we had already met. Even though we were on different paths during college and some years afterwards, I believe those paths made us grow as individuals so that we could grow as a couple. I never forgot you during those years. I’ll never forget you now. And I’ll never forget the day you made me your wife nor made me a mother.

I love you so much it hurts. It always has. My heart is still completely yours.

Your wife,

In this life and the next.

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One Comment on “4 years”

  1. Sharon Says:

    Your words are so sincere and so right. Thank you for sharing your story with us. My stomach and heart ache for you and the unfairness of this tragedy. I love you and will help you through this.

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