Holding on…

My darling husband,

We have a second memorial service tomorrow for you here in KC. I’m sure you are wriggling about the fact that you will have had two memorial services but you will also understand that you touched so many lives and meant so much to people that it will take two memorial services.

I’m actually not ready for the service tomorrow. I feel like I can’t go through it. Not a second one. The first, in Portland, I was still able to be in a fog but this one – I’m fighting back my mind trying to think about all of this and wanting to tell me that this is indeed real and it is true. I can’t do that. How do you do that?

How do I move on with anything when my life was so entwined with yours? I never made plans that didn’t include you. I don’t know how. I’m so afraid of stopping and remembering too much of you – or even thinking about what I have lost because I feel like I would never be able to pull myself back up and pick up the pieces. If I just keep going…

Part of me wants to be back near where our life has been the past 3 years – to be where you were in your final moments. Part of me is so afraid that you are still there and not with me here.  I just ache.

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