2 weeks 1 day

I’m not sure if or when I’ll stop counting. I think it is easier to move forward if I know how many days I’ve gone through. Actually, I don’t really think so.

Dodo’s memorial service Saturday was beautiful. I was amazed once again of the outpouring of support. I’m amazed at the outpouring of support that I am still receiving. However, I still have not allowed myself to breath.

I can’t.

It needs to be a big joke. He needs to show up on the doorstep and just tell me he landed and got lost getting home. I worry that he was cursing everything, saying he was sorry over and over again knowing what was to happen. I still wish I could just have been there – to hold him – to tell him that it is okay – even though my heart is missing – that we will be okay somehow.

Today was my first day in the past two weeks, alone with Lido. It was just me taking care of him. It was hard. I look at the changes in him that only happened over the past couple of weeks and I just want to cry because Dodo won’t see these changes, help me take pictures, laugh with me. I found myself trying to remember all the funny things that only he did with Lido – things that I must do now.  It is hard trying to mourn him and be in the here and now with my son – happy.

Lido is on the brink of really saying more words. It is great to see…it is painful to see.  I worry about how I make sure he remembers or knows his father. I don’t know how. I do know how Dodo and I wanted to parent him and even though so many people want to help, well, Dodo and I spoke at great length regarding what we wanted to teach him. The values we wanted to give him and the way we wanted to just parent and be with him. I don’t want to have to explain this to others that want to help parent him. I’ll be able to do that – that was a good thing about Dodo and I – we saw eye to eye on this…and even when it was off a bit…we would discuss and try it out and then make a decision. Be a friend, be an uncle, be an aunt, be a grandparent but remember that there is one parent for him now – me.

Someone told me the other day that a buddhist monk told her that sorrow in death is only in the mind. Our mind tells us that we must be sad when instead we should be listening to our hearts and to the universe and be happy in the person that was here in our lives and whose spirit continues to live on.

From that I try to believe that the reverberations of someone should not cease to exist when they do. We should open our heart and settle our mind so that we can feel and sense the subtleties that is that person. Expand on what they gave us and their energy/spirit will never cease to exist.

This comforts me.

Although, I don’t know that I am ready to settle my mind for a while. I can’t. I miss him too much right now. I didn’t have enough time with him. I love him with my entire heart and body and mind.

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One Comment on “2 weeks 1 day”

  1. Tea~ Says:

    Time really runs away without us, whether we’re ready or not, doesn’t it? It’s almost the only constant that we can have faith in happening. It will be hard to rejoin the workforce seeing that daily life has gone on without you (as it must) while you have been in your coccoon. If I could offer any any advice, it would be to watch your drinking if you’re out with friends as it may put you in a reflective mood to think about things that you are not ready to think about yet. Whether you are the journaling type or not, get a notebook to record any thought, memory or good time that you & Dodo have had. Especially the conversations concerning Lido…whether it is 3 words on a page or the most detailed dream, this will help you to remember your true decisions with Dodo before they are diluted by the world that means well. I hope friends like myself, without any parenting association, can help you by simply being an outlet and a sounding-board. It’s gonna be a rough year of adjustment but you are very much loved. Dodo resonates everywhere, in all of us, as a reminder to you & Lido and I hope the “sweet” part of that quickly overtakes the painful time that you are going thru now.

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