Hard Day

This is the first day I’ve been by myself, completely alone, since Dodo’s death.

I think I’ve been crying about every 30 minutes…

I’m making calls to student loan people, etc. and having to tell call center people that he was killed. That he is dead. Having to say this over and over again, well, I don’t know if it is therapeutic, a stab in the heart, or numbing.

I needed to find some documents that I thought I had packed in some boxes and started opening up a bunch of boxes…one was all of Dodo’s clothes that I wouldn’t let anyone wash. I guess it is good that I have the day to myself to do these things and to cry whenever I feel the need to. At the same time though, it makes it all too real. I’ve managed to live the past two and a half weeks going through motions, keeping busy and not allowing myself to feel the heartache except for maybe in the evening as I fall asleep.

It shouldn’t be this way. So many plans were made and dreams dreamed that won’t come true. If they do, a piece will always be missing.  I just keep harboring the fact that this should not have happened to him. Not to us. Even though we chose for him to be in a more dangerous occupation – helicopter pilots grow old – statistically they are more likely to get in a car crash than be killed in a helicopter crash. I always thought of him as a lucky person and protected some way.  I stopped being afraid for him every day as he walked out of the house because I knew it wasn’t healthy to live each day in fear, although,  I would rather live with that fear everyday and have him back than to live without him.

Over 6 years together…not enough.

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One Comment on “Hard Day”

  1. s Says:

    i know these days are needed. they are a part of the process, they say. my heart still breaks for you. and for Doug. because he is feeling these feelings too, somewhere. i never knew this sense of certainty before when it came to death. but i see Doug in you, I see him around you, I hear him in your words, I see him in Liam’s smile, I see him as Liam plays with the other kids. his presence is tangible in those things and that presence itself is a promise that he is here, and that he is waiting on the other side.

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