How does life go on?

How does life go on when you really just want to freeze it? You want everyone around you to stop. You want everything to be put on hold so that you can pick up the shards, the pieces, that lie around you. Until then – you want nothing to go on as if nothing happened.

Over the past week I’ve found that it is near impossible for me to get out of the house and do anything. I have. I’ve made myself do it but once I get to wherever I am I leave as soon as possible. Everything single thing that I do I think about the fact that Dodo is no longer here with me to bounce ideas off of, to tell me I’m crazy, to disagree, to agree, to be talked into, to just live life with me. The realization of it all has set in.

I have done things though because I have to continue so that I don’t look back on this time next year and wish that I had taken Lido to the park more, taken him to the zoo, played with him more, celebrated holidays with him. I don’t want to look back and regret this time in his life. We lived life so that we wouldn’t have any regrets and I’m certainly not going to start now.

But it is hard. It was hard going to the pumpkin patch this past Sunday with friends and their kids. It is something that Dodo and I were looking forward to doing and I actually found a great place to go to the day he died. I had made a note to tell him that I knew where a good pumpkin patch was and one that would be fun…Instead, I joined friends and their kids – another situation that Dodo was looking forward to…spending more time with his friends’ kids. Lido had fun going after all the gooey pumpkins. I did manage to find a small one for him to take home. I couldn’t bring myself to get one for me or for Dodo. Bringing one home was enough. I am not sure how I will do it or what I will do…but I will continue to do these small things that will make a difference in Lido’s life. He will remember good times growing up no matter how internally painful they are to me. I’m sure that over time, the pain will lessen…but right now it is so raw.

I was looking thru pictures of our trip to Yellowstone – the one when he proposed. Thru pictures of New Year’s Eve dinners, our first Christmas in 2003 together – the one where I got him his intro helicopter flight…There is a picture of the two of us holding up the redeemable certificate I made. He couldn’t wait to go…I asked myself if I knew that he would die in a helicopter crash then – if I would change anything…As much as I hurt and as much as I want him here with me, I know that this was the best thing that we could have done and he was doing what he was born to do and was made to do. He was just so damn good at it. Of course I look back on the day he died and want to change everything that happened…I want to tell him to stay home – take the day off – spend it with me, Lido and my mom. Just be with us…

I found a house that Dodo would have loved. It is near our old house and in a neighborhood that both of us really liked and dreamed about moving back to. It has a garage with Lido’s name already written inside…the house number is the same house number we had before minus 1 number…if you take our old street number and subtract the numbers then add that number to itself then you get our new street number…Ha – only Dodo ever got my ‘numbers’ thing…A numbers thing where I’ve been trying to figure out the relationship between all of our major dates…

09-28-2003; 06-01-2004; 10-01-2005; 10-03-2006; 10-11-2006; 12-03-2006; 03-25-2007; 05-24-1007 12-21-2007; 09-16-2008; 09-19-2009 (35); 9-20-2009. Did you know that if you take the day Dodo died and do the day, month, year combo it is the same ‘image’? 20-09-2009…fuck. Weird. Fuck.

He used to call me a limited rain man…I don’t know. I just always find something in numbers – like our socials…Dodo and I had virtually the same numbers in different order and the numbers that were not alike if you subtracted or added the numbers prior to those from each other you would get the numbers that were not alike…I don’t expect you to follow – just trust me. Any time a number situation came up he would look at me and ask me ‘okay what do you see’…and at first I would deny that I was doing anything…but he always knew I was trying to figure some correlation out in my head…

I’ve been receiving some really nice memory emails…It has been helpful in trying to muck my way through all of this. I guess right now I would rather read about someone else’s memory of him rather than facing my own memories of him. Sometimes it is just too hard to remember everything because it hurts too much. I don’t want them to be memories that I conjure up but ones where we say ‘hey remember when we did this?’ I don’t want it to be just me sitting here thinking of these things by myself. I just still can’t believe any of this is real. In the deepest places of my heart I know we should have had many more years together. I just can’t find a place yet where it tells me that the time we spent together was all we were going to have – that this was the life path we were walking down – that this is what the universe intended. That place is not there. I keep telling myself to be open to what this is supposed to teach us, open to what this is supposed to change in people’s lives, open to what others may learn about themselves, each other. I just can’t do that right now. I just want him and I want the world and the universe to know that this fucking sucks. That I can not fathom what is to be learned, to understand the path of life that I am now on. Bottom line is – this wasn’t supposed to fucking happen. Not to him. Not to me. Not to his son. You took away a good person. You took away a person that was completely into being a father and wanted the world for his son. You took a person away that wanted to teach his son to follow a dream. You took away a person that knew every little thing about me and loved me with his whole heart. You took away the only person that I ever truly, deeply, madly loved. You took away his dreams, his wants, his desires along with mine. You took his life. You took mine. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Can you tell it is a hard day?

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