Not sure

Not sure what to say.

It has been over a month.

I have been trying to keep very busy and trying to find a house to be able to get Lido and I settled. That has been my focus right now…that if I just find a place for us to live and to start our ‘new life’ then everything will be fine. However, I can also feel everything just building inside of me. All the hurt, all the sadness…just piling up…being ignored. I think that it is okay to do for now. I can’t do anything else right now. How am I supposed to? Especially when I have a little guy to watch out for and be around?

Lido has been doing well for the most part. I know he is at the age where separation anxiety sets in…but it was as if it was turned on overnight. I’m dreading heading back to Portland and leaving him here but I just feel that it would be best for both of us if I went back by myself. I always said that he would need therapy…and at this point I know that the therapy list is growing so what is one more item?

It’s been hard as of late. I know that I am just suppressing feelings at this point but I just don’t think that I can deal with them. I typically dream all the time – every night – and I have had only one dream since Dodo died. It bothers me. I don’t like not dreaming and I especially don’t like the idea of not having the opportunity to dream about Dodo. To have him meet me in my dreams. It really bothers me. We always talked that there are multiple lives we would live and we would always meet in the next one – I always joked that we just needed to make it sooner. Neither of us though, believed that we would not be together in this life until we were old and needed to move on to the next one.

I just wish I would dream about him. That he would come to me and talk to me and tell me that it will be okay…that I could tell him about how much his son has changed over the past month. I wish I could just feel him around me. I can’t. And that scares me.

I feel myself slipping into the thought that there is absolutely nothing beyond what we have here. I’ve never thought this way. I know that I just can’t handle more right now. That I’m not ready to quiet myself really feel him around me. That would involve thinking about him. I find myself trying not to do that right now. I just feel like I can’t because if I do then it is all over. I have to just go on. I have to keep going. I have to set up our life here.

Then I get to a time like now and just want to remember everything about him. To think about him…but then my mind stops me…

I’m just so afraid that he won’t come back here with me…that he is wandering around the field at the crash site lost…wondering where he is…wondering where I am. Or that he is at our place in Portland searching for me. Although, I don’t think that he is. While I was at the crash site I told him that he had to come back with me that he couldn’t stay there. That he could come back from time to time to watch over the pilots…but he must come back with me. I need him.

I feel like I’ve said all of this before…I’m pretty sure I have. Obviously I just want him with me.

I see so much of him in his son. I was comparing baby pics and Lido is looking more and more like him every day. He has certain mannerisms that are definitely from Dodo…this is so much a blessing as it is a curse. I’m sure someday I’ll think that it is a blessing only. Right now…well.

I just hope that I find the moment to open myself up to feeling and experiencing Dodo again in this life. I want to feel him, to see signs of him, to believe that there is something more. I hope there is. Life would be hard to go through if there was nothing beyond.

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One Comment on “Not sure”

  1. JT Says:

    Read your blog of 10/26. For what it is worth, after my parents passed away in 1993, I began exploring the NDE accounts. NDE stands for near death experience. This type of exploration seemed to be what I needed. I most recently treated a patient who had an NDE experience after a severe brain injury and brain death for 2weeks. These accounts were of great help in recognizing that life beyond this rat race is certain. Not many people know that both my mother and oldest sister sent back messages that they were well. For Mom, it was within a few minutes after she died. With Dorothy, it was 6 weeks after her funeral. Funny thing about grief is that each time you express it, it holds less power over you. I still cry over their passing from time to time. Those of us still here see your grief, but do not know it. Know that we are here to help.
    There is an old African saying: “No one is dead until there is no one to remember”. John Terry

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