A Move

So I have been here in Portland for a couple of days now and the movers are coming tomorrow to pack our things and haul it to our new home. It was pretty hard flying in the other day and I cried on the plane when I saw the airport Doug flew out of most of his time out here…then the plane had to take a turn and I could see the main airport that he flew out of as well. It was also hard because I still had a feeling that I was coming home to him and had the excited feeling of seeing him again waiting for me at the gate. I had to remind myself that he wouldn’t be there. That I wouldn’t be seeing him when I got home. I flew thru the terminal to pick up the rental car and drove to our place as fast as I could.

I was hoping that this trip would allow me to cry as much as possible and have some down time to just cry and be amongst our things. I’ve had a bit of that but as I type I am sitting amongst boxes and on our couch in the smallest space that is available and clean…

I went out to the crash site yesterday. It was the second time I had been out there but the first was with a lot of people and I felt that I couldn’t just be there with him. I wanted to be alone and not with anyone and have enough time to talk to him. This was the main thing that I wanted to do and felt that I needed to do. I just feel like his death was so traumatic for him and that he is there just hating the situation and isn’t at peace. I just wanted to be where he had his last moments and tell him that it was okay. That I need for him to be at peace in order for me to be at peace or at least on the road to peace. For some reason or another I do feel better about moving from here now. I don’t feel that I am leaving him here. I’m glad I went there yesterday. I needed that. He needed that. I want him to be at peace and I want him to know that Lido and I will be okay. I’m not sure how I’ll do it but I have to for his sake.

I am ready to move now. I am ready to be in the new place and to start this life that I have not chosen but rather has been forced upon me and my child. I still feel like I am in a fog. That it is not real. I sometimes feel like I am pushing so much to the back and down below and that maybe that isn’t good for me…but it is the only thing that I can do right now. It is hard to even get myself to remember our day to day life and to remember all of the good times we had…it is just still too much right now…I want to…but I can’t.

My heart is still breaking and I feel that I can’t breathe. I miss him so much. I miss our future and thinking about our future together. I feel like I have none other than my son.

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One Comment on “A Move”

  1. Sharon Says:

    Sounds like the trip is going about as good as it can. I’m glad you had some alone time with Doug at the crash site. Keep doing your best every day. I am so impressed with your journaling therapy, keep it up. Write me when you’re back.

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