Roller Coaster

All of this is one big roller coaster. And I’m really not a big fan of roller coasters…especially this one.

One day I start to feel like I can manage and do fine and have some happiness and laughter – and I actually have laughter and happiness. Then the next two days I’m completely done with it all.  I think that the fog is lifting more and more each day, which brings no comfort. The past few days have been probably the worst since the crash and losing Doug. I don’t think it is necessarily because it was a holiday but more because I feel alone.

Completely alone.

It was supposed to be the two of us who raised our son. It was supposed to be the two of us who made a home, planned, dreamed. The two of us. The help I am receiving from family and friends is needed but it does not replace and never will replace what Doug and I had as a couple and as parents. I know I have come down hard on my Mom these past few days especially because I know she is only trying to help. But it is hard to discuss my son, my plans with anyone other than Doug. I’ve gotten so angry these past few days. I’m tired of being told things that I already have thought of…I just want him back.

My whole body just aches and my stomach turns constantly. I just miss him so much and the feeling of loneliness is just too much. The feeling of love and happiness that I once knew that only he could provide – the loss is too much. It hurts too much.

It is all definitely a roller coaster that I’d like to have never gotten on. It is just so completely unfair. A great, good, loving person taken. This isn’t the path that we were supposed to be on. This wasn’t in our future.

My heart is too heavy to write anymore. Maybe the roller coaster will take me on an upturn soon and I’ll write more.

Advertisements
Explore posts in the same categories: Uncategorized

One Comment on “Roller Coaster”

  1. JT Says:

    Jess,
    The strange thing about the loss you struggle with, is the way it honors the one who has been lost. The high strangeness of grief is how the laughter and happiness you feel further honors Doug’s loss. Those of us who are “family” understand that we come across as PIA’s. Such is our destiny, and it is OK!!!! to be angry. Life is only fair for brief moments. Much of the remainder is SHIT. Grief will remain on its own schedule. You and Liam honor Doug”s memory by living.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: