Archive for January 2010

One of the things…

31 January, 2010

One of the things that I have been thankful for was the past three years spent in Portland with Dodo. It really gave us our time to develop as a couple, as a family and as individuals. It was nice to feel ‘grown up’ and to be able to make our own decisions without influence – other than each others. Sometimes right now I feel like the decisions that I make or things I want to do…well, too many people chime in. I’m tired of feeling not only helpless in controlling the situation I was forced in but the ones where I do and should have control over. It’s not just one person but many influencing. Sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed in Portland.

I’ve decided that Lido and I need a bit of a vacation so we are heading to warmer weather and seclusion. I really want to do this on my own so that Lido and I can figure out our way…to have an adventure just the two of us. It makes me so sad but I know we just need to live life and have some fun ourselves.

Things have been a bit of a roller coaster as of late. At times I feel in control and I can save crying for the evening and other times I feel like I can’t step out the door for fear of reminders of what I don’t have, what I lost, what I will never have. The fear of reality. It is just so strange, I know I’ve said it before, but I feel like this isn’t real. It is so strange. I read in a book that the moment that we decide that this is real is the point where we can move forward. I thought that I had come to terms with the fact that this is real and was ready to move forward, continue grieving and get to the point where I can remember Dodo without tears streaming down my face or the empty space in my chest hurting. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t supported his dream, hadn’t met him again…even if that would mean my life would be that much emptier at least he would still be here. The “what ifs” are looming over me.  I know that he would say this is completely rediculous but this is where I am. I just miss him so much that I would give everything up to have him back.

I think Lido and I need this little get-away together. Clear the head and start healing the heart.

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16 Months

26 January, 2010

My Dearest Child,

You are 16 months old! And you understand everything that I say to you. Not that you listen to everything that I say to you but it is amazing how much you comprehend. We are beginning to get settled in our new home. It has been hard for the past couple of months for me so I’ve pretty much kept to the family room and playing with you. The past couple weeks though I have started venturing out to the rest of the house and getting things a bit more together and letting you roam freely downstairs. I know you like it and as long as things are pretty picked up we both do okay. You love to explore and I know that it is important for you to get to know your whole house.

You started going to daycare three days a week this past week and boy was that rough. By the third day you cried the moment I pulled into the driveway…It was pretty heart-wrenching. That entire week you refused to sleep in your bed and instead had to be with me in my bed snuggled right up next to me. I know a lot of the behaviors you had this past week was not only separation anxiety but worrying whether I was going to come back or not…I know you understand that there is a big part of our life missing and up until this point you had me to yourself. You were safe. Now you are getting out of your comfort zone and I just hope that you understand that I am here and always will be. I have made it a point this week to start an evening ritual with you just like we used to have. And I also make sure that I do all of my stuff during the day so that you have my undivided attention at night. I think that you like that.

You are getting two top teeth and besides your molars I think that you are done with adding teeth to that big smile of yours. You are still not talking a whole lot but you sure can say Yaya when you see her and hers is the only name you say that is absolutely clear! You love her very very much and have a lot of fun playing with her. You were the same with Abba. You could say her name as well and you just loved her too. What is it about you and older women??

You do very well brushing your teeth yourself and you are pretty good about letting me get in there as well. You think that all product that comes in a tube, tub, or vial is supposed to go on your hair. You help me get you dressed and undressed and have even started standing up and putting one leg in at a time into your pants. You have graduated to a booster seat at the kitchen table – no more highchair for you! You want to do everything that I do or someone else does and you want to do it by yourself.  You still give Panda kitty kisses and hugs. You give Daddy’s picture a kiss every night before we go to bed and always have a great big smile on your face when you see his picture. I pray every night that you dream of him and he is there with you. You love when we do “big hugs” and I squeeze the breath out of you…just like your Daddy would do…you just giggle and smile and want more. When you want something you take my hand and lead me to whatever it is that you want. Tonight when Yaya was here you wanted her to come play with you so you went over to her and took her hand and started tugging her to the family room. You still try and take everything apart and are still fascinated with anything that makes noise, lights up, moves if you push a button…you love it all. You also like when we put a DVD on in the evenings before going to bed. You climb up on the sofa and sit there and just watch fascinated with it. It has a lot of different animals and music and you love both. You look so grown up sitting there.

I am contemplating on whether or not you get a haircut…I’m holding out…however, you do have the mullet “high school hero” haircut thing going on. I just don’t want you to get it cut yet…sorry kid. I know that your Dad would be going crazy right now especially because part of hit whisps over your ears and he always hated when his hair got long enough that it would touch his ears. I always knew when he would come home with a new hair cut because the week before he would complain that it was touching his ears.

My child, I hope we laugh enough, have fun enough, snuggle enough. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing a very good job right now. I hope your happy. I know that there have been so many changes over these past few months and I know I’m not always the greatest thing to be around but I just want you to know that I am trying my hardest and I am trying to make the best decisions for you and for me. I’m so sorry that you can’t have both of us. That hurts so much. Your Daddy and I really like the fact that we were going to be able to show you how much love we had for each other and for you but how to work hard, work as a team, make compromises, love, learn, laugh…so many things. It is a struggle for me to figure out how to keep so many of those things going because so much of it was because your Daddy and I were doing it together. I’m trying to figure out how to do all of that and find who I am now – who I’ve become. Because I am not the same person as I was 4 months ago. I will continue to change. I’m sad about this – not because I will become this terrible person but because I just want to stay the person that I was with your Daddy. So many things have changed that this is something that I want to stay frozen in time. I know it can’t because I do have to find who I am as an individual now and as a single parent. This scares me and it makes me sad.

I do love you so much my little Lido. I hope I am doing right by you. We will continue to work together and grow together and we will both move forward always knowing how much your Daddy loves us and that he will forever be watching over us.

I love you eternally my little one.

Your Mom