One of the things…

One of the things that I have been thankful for was the past three years spent in Portland with Dodo. It really gave us our time to develop as a couple, as a family and as individuals. It was nice to feel ‘grown up’ and to be able to make our own decisions without influence – other than each others. Sometimes right now I feel like the decisions that I make or things I want to do…well, too many people chime in. I’m tired of feeling not only helpless in controlling the situation I was forced in but the ones where I do and should have control over. It’s not just one person but many influencing. Sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed in Portland.

I’ve decided that Lido and I need a bit of a vacation so we are heading to warmer weather and seclusion. I really want to do this on my own so that Lido and I can figure out our way…to have an adventure just the two of us. It makes me so sad but I know we just need to live life and have some fun ourselves.

Things have been a bit of a roller coaster as of late. At times I feel in control and I can save crying for the evening and other times I feel like I can’t step out the door for fear of reminders of what I don’t have, what I lost, what I will never have. The fear of reality. It is just so strange, I know I’ve said it before, but I feel like this isn’t real. It is so strange. I read in a book that the moment that we decide that this is real is the point where we can move forward. I thought that I had come to terms with the fact that this is real and was ready to move forward, continue grieving and get to the point where I can remember Dodo without tears streaming down my face or the empty space in my chest hurting. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t supported his dream, hadn’t met him again…even if that would mean my life would be that much emptier at least he would still be here. The “what ifs” are looming over me.  I know that he would say this is completely rediculous but this is where I am. I just miss him so much that I would give everything up to have him back.

I think Lido and I need this little get-away together. Clear the head and start healing the heart.

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One Comment on “One of the things…”

  1. Tea~ Says:

    I haven’t read for a while and I am happy to see this post. Yeah, you — take care and decompress! Please let me know if you need an additional hand checking in on Mag & Panda…


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