It seems so far away.

The life we had seems a lifetime ago and it has only been 5 months. It isn’t because I have moved on – far from it – but I see it in my face, in my eyes, in my tone of voice. It is as if the life prior to September was just a dream. A very long good dream. I look at our pictures and we look so happy and vibrant. I look tired and worn out now.There was one taken when we had Lido and your hand is on my face and laying around my head. For a brief moment I felt that touch. That warmth and caring in your fingers. And I miss it so much.

How do you fill up this emptiness? It doesn’t matter how busy I am or what I do. I feel a constant emptiness and I just don’t know how to fill it up. Someone asked me if I am finding happiness in anything. I honestly can’t say I am finding complete happiness in anything. I found it in you and us. Lido brings me happiness and joy like any child would but along with it I feel sorrow and sadness because he is growing into someone so much like you, like the both of us, looks like you with his smile and you are not here to see any of this. I looked at some pictures tonight and I revisit that old mantra of why? Why would something like this happen to us? Look at us! We were happy! Why was this taken? So no, right now, I can not find true happiness in anything because you are not here to be a part of it.

I took a couple of trips these past two weeks and I will say that just being in the sunlight and away from ‘things’ was good. It has helped these past few days but I feel like getting away again. Not that I can truly run from anything but for some reason I feel a pull to go. I’ve told myself I can’t act on this – not right now. I do need to get a little more settled here and enjoy what I have around me. Lido, the house, everything. It is just hard without you. I love you.

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