Potential rambling…

Today has been one of those days where I’ve bottled up way too much as of late and it is all leaking out…

I’ve been on the go since I’ve gotten back from my trips and have not had a breather except for the day I was throwing up and feeling crappy…however it was one day. I feel like I have accomplished many tasks this week. New windows in the house, hung curtains, put blinds back up, tried my hardest to actually clean and keep areas clean (not working right now). I’ve been taking care of Yaya 3 days a week and two of them are overnights as well as pulling Lido out of daycare due to not liking the place that much…so I’m trying to do all of this with him wanting attention or getting into things…I’m tired. I’m glad that I can do these things and I have enjoyed this time but each day that I enjoy – I don’t have anyone to share it with. I don’t have that person to talk to things with. Like moving Lido to a big bed and just being able to talk about it without being told things to do, look for, watch for, etc. I’m a big girl…I just want the person that I could talk with back.

The other thing is that I feel so alone. I am alone. The one person that knew me better than myself at times is gone. The one person that got me.

I’m back to constantly thinking that I have to be two people. That if I’m not then my son will miss out even more on his father. I constantly think about what Doug would like, what he would want me to do, what he would say, how he would handle things. This is a constant in my mind. It’s like if I try to be him hard enough – he’ll be here. That he won’t really be gone.

I spoke with a friend of mine that became a window at 38. He is now in his late fifties and his children are grown and he has remarried. I asked him how many of his friends he had after his wife died…he said none.  I see this happening to a certain degree and am trying to fight against it but I don’t have the energy to. Some days I think ‘bag it all’ and don’t really give a crap. Other days I want to fight tooth and nail to keep everyone around me. I am stuck in this gray area where I want the world to stop, everyone’s lives to stop, just as mine has. I saw a pregnant woman today with her husband and son and the first thing that came to my head was ‘bitch’. This was after she looked at me like ‘geez, poor wretched looking thing with kids in tow…my life is so perfect’. So I guess I had a right to think ‘bitch’ about her. She was just oozing this ‘I’m perfect shit with a perfect family’.

I just don’t know how to live my life right now.

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