Dearest

Another day has passed and I feel even lonelier. I’m not sure how this can be but I feel like this hell keeps getting more hellish. This week has been hard. Actually the past couple of weeks have been really hard. I guess coming back to ‘reality’ isn’t something that I want right now. I’ve been trying to get the house more in order and clean as I’m hosting a gathering this Saturday…I figured I needed a reason to get my rear in gear and get some things settled at the house as well as maybe show people that it is okay to have fun around me. Hell, I’ll even host the fun…

At the same time, I am doing things around here and just yearn to talk to you about them. To tell you what I did during the day or an idea that I had…and have you smile at me. To hold your hand in the car while running errands. I miss how easy it all was with you. We worked so well together that I didn’t need to explain anything, myself or the situation. You just knew. You really did know me better than I knew myself. You knew when there was something bothering me before my brain would even allow me to admit it. You knew when I just needed a hug. I’ve been trying to just allow myself to remember all of the good times we had together. All of our struggles and all of our triumphs. All I keep remembering is the day you died. How I found out. All the sounds, the voices, the car ride, sitting in our place…all of it just keeps haunting me.

My faith in anything existing after this life is nonexistent. My faith has never waivered despite trying and difficult times. I have always had a very spiritual part of me but it seems to have completely disappeared. How can I even begin to believe that there is a god that would allow something like this to happen? If there is – then I have a few words for him. I just want you back. I want our life back. I want our future back. I want the person I was with you back.

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