So far…

no one I know and love has died today. I worried that this would happen because yesterday I had Jack Stack BBQ at the party…No Jack Stack did not kill my husband…I had it shipped in for my birthday party (and Lido’s) the day before he was killed. It’s what we had at the picnic. We played frisbee golf afterwards.

These are the things that I think about now. I have 45 minutes until this day is over so I guess the possibility is still out there. If it does indeed happen then I’ll never order Jack Stack again. I guess that could go without saying…

It was nice having people around. It was nice having the house clean and looking ‘presentable’ as it has not looked this way for quite some time…ever since I moved in. This was nice and even though I need to dig out everything that I tucked in cabinets, I think that I will try and strive to keep it this way. It feels better. It feels better just for having people in the house. It needed the energy.

I broke open a Guinness last night and had a cigarette just for a bit of a toast to Doug. It was hard going through the party and the parade without him sharing in these moments. Without having him looking at me from across the room and smiling. Without him coming up to me and kissing me. Full of love and life. Friday night I broke down…just laid on the floor in front of his picture and cried. This grief just overtakes me when I have been pushing myself to get things done and haven’t allowed for breathing room, crying time. I just find it hard sometimes to stay here. Be around our friends. At times, I just want to be away from all of it. Just with Lido and no one else. To not be around people who know us…but at the same time I get mad as I feel that people are disappearing out of my life. When I was back in PDX I asked a co-worker who lost his wife when he was 38 (he has grown children and is a grandfather now…) whether friends stayed…he told me not to be surprised if most don’t come around after a while.

This scares me.  And has been a source of hurt as I see people dropping off even now. Although I do know that some are going through their own grief…it is still just hard. I want to hear stories about him. I want to hear what they think, where they are it in this process…anything. My days are filled with sorrow and flashes of happiness. Nothing could hurt me any more than I hurt now. I don’t want to continue feeling all of this loss. The loss of my husband. The loss of my future. The loss of friends. The loss of me. There is so much loss than just the death.

And on the same hand, I have connected with old friends. I have found support and kind words coming from unexpected places. I cling to this as I cling to those who are around me.

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