My sweet little boy

Dearest LiDo,

You are officially 18 months old. A year and a half…and you think you are at least 3! It has been interesting to watch you this month. I took you out of daycare because it wasn’t working out with them so you have been home with me. I know you have enjoyed it but I can see that you want to be around other kids and play as much as you can. This was especially apparent at the St. Pat’s party we had at the house. I saw you only during the parade, otherwise you were off playing and screaming and running. A very happy child indeed.

We took a big step this month. Moved you to a toddler bed. I knew it was coming as you were not happy at all when I would lay you down in your crib. You would refuse to sleep or cry your eyes out for far too long and I just knew that this was the step that you wanted. It was hard for me to do because it was just one of those times where I ached for your Dad to be here. It was his job to take the crib down and get it set up for you to move to a toddler bed…I didn’t want it to be mine.  However, these moments are almost daily and I just have to believe that he is watching us and smiling at these milestones.

I spent the afternoon rearranging your room and taking the crib front apart and making it into a toddler bed. It was easier than I thought it would be…and after getting it set up along with putting up the border that hung in your old room and rearranging furniture…I let you come take a look at it all.  You were so proud! You were excited. You were crazy drunk on happiness. You tried climbing in and with a little boost you made it into your new bed. And you beamed. You got in and out and when I put a little step in front of the bed you climbed in and out faster and had no hesitation. You stood up on the step and back down and waited for your Nanna and I to clap and tell you how proud we were. You climbed into bed and sat there with your back so straight and just smiled – forcing those Daddy dimples out. You ran around the room screaming and laughing. You showed me life.

You have also been bound and determined to walk up the stairs just like any older child or adult would. You reach up to the banister and grip the tips of your figures onto it and just start going…and with a little help from the other side holding my hand…you make it all the way up. This has been going on for the past couple of months and tonight – well – I think you grew an inch over the past couple of days because you grabbed onto the banister and you did it by yourself.

That is the thing with you kid. It doesn’t take you long to just do it yourself. When we were in Florida and driving around the golf cart you got to the point very quickly where you did not want my hand on you or my arm around you keeping you ‘in’ the cart. You wanted to sit there all grown up.  I worry sometimes that I won’t get to keep my ‘little boy’ as this determination keeps going…but then you remind me at times like tonight that you still need me to curl up next to and rock you to sleep…

And that moment came at the right time. Today it is 6 months. Six months since your Dad died. I put you to bed early as you had sleepy eyes and you went to lay in your bed just fine. After about 10 minutes you were up and crying at your door. I went up to get you and put you back in bed and you went straight for the rocking chair and motioned that you wanted me to sit and rock you…Thank you for that. It was six months ago today that I was rocking you to sleep a few hours after finding out your Dad died…and that night as I was rocking you to sleep you kept your head turned towards the door and smiled. I’d like to think you saw him standing there, watching over us. I’d like to think that you still see him and he visits you in your dreams. I know he lives on in you as I see so much of him in you. I see both of us in you.

We went to Salina for the past couple of days to go to my great-uncle’s funeral. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about going but wanted to be there to see family that I hadn’t seen for a while. We didn’t end up sitting through the service as you were much to busy to sit still so we stayed mainly in the nursery to play. The words that were spoken by several of the immediate family members of my great-uncle to me, were very welcome. The sorrow and the love that they felt for me in the midst of their own grief was welcome as I was not sure if I would yet again be the elephant in the room so to speak…Talking with cousins was helpful as I could see a genuine love and concern from them as well. It was nice to have that family support and love from family who are not ‘immediate’…

My heart still aches every day as grief will always course through my veins. However, the love that your Dad had for me and for you will always course right along with it.  I read some things today that were much needed…as I have been searching for something…not sure what it is but I believe that some of these things are what I was searching for…On a discussion board someone had written that their grief counselor suggested that the weight of the grief and stillness that we feel may be our loved one telling us that they are still here with us. A reminder that love truly does not die and that they can feel and hear our thoughts and love for them still. I found comfort in this as it has been hard for me to ‘feel’ Doug around me. At times I know he is right here beside me and other times I fear that I moved to quickly and live in a house and a place that he does not know therefore would not be able to find us. I’m trying to be still more and face more now and hopefully that will diminish as I do not think that I have truly accepted his death. I do not believe it is real. I had a dream that it was all just a mistake and that he was in Mexico looking at jobs…and didn’t tell anyone. I made him go into HAI and tell them that he was sorry and that he just forgot to let anyone know.  It was so real. This dream felt more real than the life I’m leading right now.

I know I am in denial still to a certain extent. Hell, I took you to see a child psychologist who deals with grief but I can’t get myself to go talk to one…If that isn’t denial I don’t know what is…I do know that I am at the point that I am ready to talk with someone. I haven’t been because quite frankly – I don’t want it to be real. I’m fine existing in the space that I’m in right now. However, I know that I must start on this journey of healing in order to be the best Mother I can for you. And to be the best person I can for me. I just don’t want to because it means that it is real. That this isn’t a dream and that the fog will start lifting more and more.

And then I remember that love does not die. That in our wedding vows, on every card that we wrote, on every love letter written, in every ‘love’ conversation we had – we always said ‘in this life and the next’. We both believed that this was an undying love and a true love always – and so I remember that because he is not here with me physically that he is here and will continue to be here with me, with us, spiritually. It is my path, my journey, to fully realize this and accept this as this life’s reality. On this 6 month mark I guess I am okay with starting this path…to start feeling the pain in it’s truest form so that I can feel our love in it’s truest, undying form.

I told you tonight that the best things that your Dad ever gave me was himself, his love and you. And because of these things I am ready to give myself to this journey and to this path.

I love you my darling child.

In this life and the next,

Forever your Mom.

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One Comment on “My sweet little boy”

  1. Amy K. Says:

    Javagirl- I am so glad to hear your Salina trip was more healing than painful. Know that I think of you and Lido quite alot and wonder often how you are doing. Kuddos to you for wanting to talk and seek out help for your grief process…I know this must be the hardest thing you have ever done. Miss you! Amy


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