A step without

I’m going to a beer tasting dinner this week and instead of having my Mom watch LiDo I have a babysitter.

I’ve never had a babysitter watch LiDo. We’ve never had a babysitter watch LiDo…Plus Doug was always better at sizing people up. Especially when it came to daycare people. Or people for that matter. He had a gift. Now I am at this alone without this gift. I know that it will be fine and the girl seems really nice and was recommended. Plus another couple may leave their kids at my house as well for the evening as we are all going to the same dinner. So having playmates may be fun for all…

It is very strange to do things like this. To try and do them on my own. The things that I ‘took care of’ I don’t have a problem with doing now because I’ve always done them. Well, maybe not all…I was the one who always looked ahead and planned and that doesn’t come too easy these days. But most of what I took care of I don’t have problems doing. It’s the things like hiring a babysitter for an evening out that are hard decisions to make. Because it wouldn’t have just been a phone call to talk with the girl and see if she was available and that was the end of it. It would have been us talking about actually going out together for an evening out and that we were both nervous to leave him with someone new. It would be the mild anticipation and high anxiety that we would share together. It would be given each other reassurance that everything would be fine while seeing in each others eyes the same worry, the shared worry.

The unspoken or hardly spoken is missed. I miss it the moment I wake up and throughout the day. I miss being neurotic and having someone love that fact.

I’m all over the place with this entry so forgive me…

Today was a good day for the most part. I am thinking about remodeling my kitchen and had an architect come by to talk. I feel sorry for anyone that needs to talk to me about details of what I want right now. I was all over the place but he did well and kept me on track. I feel like I need to have disclaimer to hand to them prior to speaking with me. I also need to have directions for them on how to handle me and what I need for them to do…it would go something like this:

Please excuse the mess that I call my home. I am lucky that I got out of bed…dressed, let alone make sure my kid is in something other than footed pj’s and was fed prior to your arrival. The fact that I have candles burning at 10 o’clock in the morning should give you a clue as to the state of my house as quite possibly my mind. I lost my husband exactly 6 months and 2 days ago. I have relocated back to my ‘home town’ 2000 miles away from the life I have led as a family with my husband over the past three years. I live in a house that he does not know surrounded by things that are familiar and those that are not. If I seem flighty it is because I am. I won’t argue this point. Prior to my husband’s death I could never really get to the point quickly and I definitely have lost all ability to remotely get to a point now. If I do have ideas, well, lets just say that they are probably going to be all over the place. I have a hard time focusing everything that I am thinking. This is mainly due to the fact that most people tell me that I shouldn’t make any major decisions until I am a year out and I have tended to ignore these people and do what I feel needs to be done or that I can do. This does however, make me second guess everything and take my time with EVERY FUCKING DECISION because I do not want to make a huge mistake and have those same people say ‘I told you so’. My husband is probably laughing at the fact that his death has made me take my slow ass time making decisions because he was always the one to do this and it drove me insane at times – most of the time. If I tell you that I want something done and it makes absolutely no sense at all – tell me. Don’t do it and make me come back to you and say “what the fuck?” Just tell me right up front that you don’t think putting a jacuzzi tub in the kitchen is such a great idea. I won’t mind. I may argue with you or try to make a point but if you truly really know that it would be a big mistake keep telling me that it would be a mistake. I am grateful that I can have you in here discussing the work that needs to be done but quite honestly if my husband were alive I would not need you. We would be doing this ourselves. We would hire out certain things but the blood, sweat and tears that make up a renovation would be all ours. Not a crew of men. So please understand that I am not an idiot, that you can not pass one over on me and if you try I will take you by the balls and throw you out of my house. I look forward to working with you on this project.

Do you think something like this would work? I may just do it.

The guy today was really nice and we came up with some good ideas and I felt very comfortable with him. LiDo love him because he let him have his big flashlight and let him take his pen and write all over his notebook…poor guy. LiDo just climbed right into his lap and was his best friend. He followed him all over and kept wanting him to pick him up. It was funny. The guy seemed comfortable with it so that was good. I hope he was. He’ll probably charge me for it though….

This is why today was a good day. A stranger was nice to my kid and made him feel comfortable. I’m glad.

Explore posts in the same categories: Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: