Writing the Future

It seems that for so long we were always planning for the future.  I used to obsess about it – it was my thing. Doug was better at living in the moment than I was and I think this is definitely one of the things he taught me. My mind has been wrapped up in how to plan for the future while living in today when both are equally difficult right now. I try and be better at living in the moment and I think that is something that has taken a dramatic turn…I don’t look at it as “I can do this tomorrow”, I look at it as “why not do it today”. At the same time though I feel that I am putting constraints on myself due to ‘what is expected’…finding a job, living a ‘normal’ life. Not necessarily what is expected of me by others but what I expect of myself. The norm has always been living a ‘normal’ life. Having a job, providing for my family. I still want to provide for my family which is unfortunately minus one now. I want LiDo to have the life he would have had if things were the same with Doug here. I want us to do the things that we would have done anyway. But part of me says that this isn’t good enough. I recently read a blog of a widower who lost his wife within hours after she gave birth. His daughter is now 2. He wrote (and I’m paraphrasing) that at first his perspective was to show her all the things she would have seen if if things had turned out differently. His perspective changed months later to wanting to show his daughter more than she would have ever seen if things had turned out as expected. http://www.mattlogelin.com

I needed to read this tonight. It got me to thinking of adopting the same perspective. That this is the perspective that has been hidden behind clouds and fog and that yes this makes sense. This is what I’d like to do as well. I’ve been talking about traveling the states more this spring and summer. I think that I may do it.

Trying to do only the things that are expected or do the things that we would have normally done is almost like continuing to live the life that I had, try to stay the same person that I was. My life is no longer the one I had. I am no longer the person that I was.  Everything else has been rewritten for me – why not write a bit of my own material?

We’ll see.

It is still hard to just move forward and not live the life we had or live the future that we thought we would have. I feel like if I turn from this I am leaving him behind. I know though that I must find out what our new future is and not get stuck in the muck so to speak and become paralyzed. I have to keep moving.

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