Fumes

I’m wondering when I’ll break again. As if I have any pieces to break anymore.

Today I attended a memorial for a close friend’s mother. Tomorrow is the funeral. Her mom was in her early 50’s. Another friend of mine lost his dad a couple of months ago. And another lost his dad. Another friend of mine lost her sister-in-law. I thought these things were supposed to happen when we were older. Okay – maybe grandparents or the ‘elders’ but not our parents, brothers, sisters, wives or husbands. Not when we are smack in our 30’s .

I wasn’t quite sure how I would be today. I was pretty teary all morning. I stopped to grab something to eat before I got to the funeral home. I stick started shaking when I walked in and only stopped once I reached my friend to just hold her.

I’m going to the funeral tomorrow morning and I have an job interview tomorrow night…then I am off to see my mother-in-law the next day and it is Doug’s birthday Thursday. Then down south to see some other family for the Easter weekend.

And I hung up clothes and unpacked boxes today as well. I couldn’t pack Doug’s clothes away so they are hanging in the closet next to mine. His shoes are sitting next to my shoes. I just can’t do it. Not today.

I’m running on fumes and I could really use one of Doug’s hugs and reassuring kisses. His presence. I really need him.

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