Happy Birthday Baby

My Dearest Husband,

You would have been 35 today. We would have celebrated big time. Gone away for a few days. Spent time together as a family of 3. It would have been laid back, lovely, fun and there would have been lots of kissing.

I typically spend approximately 6 months being older than you are number-wise. This is something that you remind me of constantly for 6 months…and then your birthday comes…and you shut up. I wish you were here so that you would shut up today about me being older. Instead I am left with lingering words on my birthday…reminding me that I am older than you. And the next day, I would be older than you for the rest of my life.

Today, my April Fool, I spent the morning with your Mom and LiDo. We went to a garden and walked around and I took pictures and we enjoyed the coolness of the morning air and the magnolia trees in bloom and the cherry blossoms. We took some fun pictures, beautiful pictures. We talked about you a bit, we ran after LiDo a lot, we just were. I decided to drive back home this afternoon as we are leaving again to visit Austin for a few days. It wasn’t just because we are leaving tomorrow and I have to repack things…I just wanted to be around our things. I wanted to look at pictures of past birthdays spent together. I wanted to be near your things.

I went through a few pictures, one birthday in particular. In 2007 when we went to Astoria and stayed at the Cannery Pier Hotel. It was a complete surprise to you. We took that Friday off and headed to the coast that morning. We stopped at Cannon Beach and the Pirate Kite Store there – I can never remember the name but the owner is an old salty dog pirate guy – and I told you to get any kite that you wanted. Because it was a Friday and the weather was a bit chilly, we were the only people in the store so you had Mr. Salty Dog Pirate all to yourself and asked a ton of questions and finally picked the one you wanted. We then headed for coffee at Sleepy Monk and then it was to the beach to fly a kite.

It was wonderful. The sun came out, we had cups of excellent coffee, we took some fun pictures and you just kept smiling at me, loving that we were doing this and you had no idea what I had in store next. We spent a bit of time at the beach and the whole time you kept pointing to places and asking if we were staying there, or there, or there…I kept quiet and smiled. We packed up again and headed north up the coast to Astoria. I was making it sound like we were just going to have dinner there but instead I took you to Cannery Pier Hotel. The hotel used to be a cannery back in the day and all the rooms face the Columbia River. The ships come right outside the window and you can see the mouth of the Columbia where it meets the ocean. It had great views. I had called the hotel a couple days prior and had them get a cake from a local bakery as well as a bottle of champagne. They had it set up in the room when we arrived.  The cake said ‘Happy Birthday to my April Fool’. It was chocolate cake with chocolate icing and colorful sprinkles on top. The hotel had a driver and 1940 something Rolls Royce Limo that would take you further into Astoria for dinner so I had them take us to a wonderful restaurant where we had all the crab legs we could eat. It was the first time I had ever eaten crab legs…you showed me the ropes and I fell in love.

Tonight as I was going through pictures, I came across the pictures from this trip. I think it was a couple of weeks ago that I was thinking that I had some naked pictures of you somewhere and that I really wanted to find them…sorry baby that this is on the internet…no I am not going to post them…I’m just talking about them. Tonight, I found them. I’m glad I did. I will have to suggest that anyone that is in a relationship where you are okay with having naked pictures around of you or both of you – take them. Save them. For some reason if that person is gone – you can go back to them and just be reminded of the little freckle on their stomach, or how their chest hair swirled, or the contour of their thigh, the lines of their body. Sometimes you just want the memories to be a bit more tangible than what is pictures and remembered in your head. So go out – all of you – and take pictures of all kinds.

Anyway, I will have to say the pictures were pretty funny. We were acting goofy. And that is what I liked the most about them. It was us. We didn’t take ourselves too seriously. We had fun. We laughed. We lived.

It’s things like these that have made today a little  easier. The week hasn’t been very easy. The anticipation of how sucky today would be, combined with a birthday party to go to last Saturday night for a friend (it was 5 years ago that his wife and I threw a combined surprise b-day party for the both of you – buddhalicious birthdays), a visitation on Sunday and funeral on Monday for the Mother of our good friend Kim, an nterview on Monday afternoon and then a drive to see your Mom on Tuesday. I try not to do as many mind-bending things in a short period of time but hell – there was absolutely nothing I could do. All were important. It’s weeks like these where I am on the ‘uppest and downest’ of the roller coaster all at once…I almost feel like I am back in September putting on the brave face for stretches at a time and just riding the roller coaster and hanging on as hard as I can. The drive home today was hard. I swear every song that came on reminded me of something – and I was listening to XM (not like there isn’t 200 channels to choose from…- and like right now – the helicopters keep flying over the house!  LiDo heard the one this afternoon as we were cleaning up the backyard – I swear he doesn’t really give a shit about fixed wing but when those helicopters come around he can tell it’s a helicopter and pays way more attention. Today I picked him up and we watched it fly overhead and he pointed up to it, yelled Dada and waved.

I cried.

It isn’t as if I spend my entire days telling him you flew helicopters – he just remembers. He knows the sound of a helicopter versus a plane. He knows. He remembers. So for all of those people out there telling me that my kid won’t remember anything about his Dad – you can go fuck off now. He knows. He remembers.

You thought I may get through one post without using the word fuck didn’t you?

Well, it’s been a hell of a day. Highlights but hell. I really miss spending your birthday with you. Celebrating as we did every year. I lit a candle for you tonight as I do every night but tonight I sang happy birthday to you while rocking LiDo to sleep. I hope you heard.

I’m glad I had the drive home today just to think and remember you. I cried a lot on the drive but it was nice to remember all of the good birthdays we had. Good to remember that we were great together.

I miss you my Cabana Boy.

Loved in this life. Love in the next.

I love you and happy birthday my April fool.

Your Goddess

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