Thunderstorm

My Dearest Husband,

Tonight I am back home after being away for a week. And there is a thunderstorm. Oh how you would have reveled in it. I think the last storm you saw was when you were visiting in KC. You were supposed to play frisbee golf in the early morning with Jay and instead you got one hell of a storm. You said you almost called me so I could listen to it…but I was still in Portland so the time difference was a bit too much. I remember calling you once when I was visiting KC while a storm was going on just so you could listen.  (*song that are coming on as I write*)

I’m sitting on the sun porch, lounging on the sofa with my laptop on my lap, writing to you, watching the lightning, listening to the thunder, listening to the mp3 player with all of the music that you loved. (*Bareback Riding with You*) You know we bought the mp3 player for me right? I don’t think I used it much. I know we traded off for a little bit but you, you took that thing over. And I’m glad that you did. Every time I play it I just think of you. That these were the songs you chose to have playing. You have things on there just for me and for LiDo as well. So at night we could plug it into the Bose and listen to ‘our’ music. I’m glad I have these things of you still. I know lately I’ve been thinking about some of the things you used to have, maybe in college, etc. But things that we got rid of because both of us were trying to throw things out. I don’t think that we threw anything really sentimental out. We didn’t do that. But I still wonder. I did make you keep some things that you wanted to get rid of and I’m glad now that I did.

I’ve decided that I’m going to be staying home for a while. LiDo has hit the age where traveling, well, it’s not that much fun right now. I think it would do him some good to get into daycare a few days a week where he can have the socialization that I think he is craving. (*Diamonds on the souls of her shoes*) Plus there is a lot to get done around the house before winter hits again. And I’d just like to enjoy the summer with LiDo here in our house.

LiDo is reacting more to when I cry. He climbs up on my lap and looks at me with a concerned and not quite understanding look, takes his little hand and wipes my face. Sometimes I feel bad for crying in front of him but I also know that it is okay. It is okay for him to see me sad. I wish he didn’t have to. I wish you were here with us. I feel like we made each other better people and to not have you here to make me a better person, well, it is hard. I know my Mom is concerned about me. I wish she wouldn’t be. I know I should go into counseling but I haven’t felt like I could quite yet. (*Three sheets to the wind*). I have been wanting to go for the past month but just with having LiDo constantly – it is hard to get away and take care of myself. Her voicing her concern was the first time that I have felt like I should be on a time line of healing. (*  ).  I know that was not her intention by any means but it just kind of struck me. I thought I was doing fine…managing. It’s not perfect but I have been trying my hardest. I also know that I have not fully realized that you are gone. The feeling is strange. I know your gone but at the same time it just really hasn’t sunk in. I just can’t go there. I feel like if I thought about it, really thought about it, that I would just fall to pieces. Physically lose limbs. Have a heart attack. (*While my guitar gently weeps*). I’ve tried thinking about it but I can only get to a point and then I have to shut off the thoughts. Even now, I am sitting here crying but I can’t really grasp it all. I’m so afraid to.

I miss having laughter in my life. True laughter. Not the laughter that I have right now that has this underlying thread of pain. I miss the person that I was with you. I miss us so much.

(*Car Thief – Beastie Boys*)

I love you. I miss you.

In the next life,

Forever yours,

Me

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