A lovely surprise

Sundays are not the best day of the week for me. Doug died on a Sunday. I just don’t really like them much anymore.

This Sunday, today, was surprisingly nice though.

LiDo was with my Mom this weekend so I had two days to get some things done around the house. Saturday though…well, lets just say I didn’t start anything until about 9pm at night. And then I decided that I would spend it in the basement going through boxes down there. I just couldn’t remember all that was down there. I came across a box that I had put a lot of our personal things in – letters, cards, pictures. Things that I treasured. That he treasured. I could barely see anything through the tears but it felt good to be reading the things we had said to each other. It made it real…not his death…but his life. Our relationship. You see, I just feel like it isn’t real. That none of it is. His death, his life, our relationship. I constantly feel as if I am in a dream and what is, what was,what will be is not real. Reading the cards and letters and seeing the pictures made our relationship real again. It told me that it did happen. I didn’t dream it. I went to bed and slept through the night. The first time I had done that since Doug died.

Then came Sunday. I went to brunch with a neighbor and we walked and shopped a bit afterward. We chatted on our walk back to the house and it was just nice and easy. It was good to be out. I felt alive for brief moments of time. It was just me and I could take my time with everything. I was myself for a couple of hours. Not a Mom. When I got home I decided I would hang some curtains that I have been putting off doing for months now. Better to do it prior to LiDo arriving back home…to get into the mood of cleaning and hanging curtains I got out Doug’s mp3 and plugged it into the speakers and searched for some good music. I saw under ‘artist’ there was an album named “J”. Under it was also some other albums starting with “j” and I figured it was songs he had downloaded from his friend Jay’s year end music list. So I picked the first album simply named “J” and “Lovin’ in my baby’s eye’s” comes on by TajMahal….then another…then another…it was the album he was putting together for me. All of the songs he loved that reminded him of me, of us. I listened to it over and over again today. LiDo and I spent about an hour listening to it and dancing. At one point he grabbed for one of the pictures of Doug…and we all three danced in the living room.

It was as if we were beating away the demons and telling them that they can not take away all of our happiness. That we will have reminders like today and last night. Reminders of our life we had. Reminders that it was real. Reminders of the person we loved and lost but have not stopped loving.

This Sunday showed me that the life I loved and the person that I loved was real and is still woven into every fiber of our being, of our life.

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