Archive for May 2010

A New World

26 May, 2010

It is a strange feeling to have a whole new world opened up to you. One that may have been talked about. One that was definitely feared. One that you thought you would never explore until you were old and gray. One where the other moves on and days or months later, you follow. That is how I always imagined things would be for us. We would live out this life together, with our son and then when we had seen our grand-children’s children, we would depart this world within days or weeks or months of each other. One of us of old age and the other of a broken heart.

Not this.

Not having to wait, for LiDo’s sake, for possibly 60 years to die of a broken heart. 60 years. I may live almost two of his lifetimes before joining him in his world. Two of his lifetimes.

Part of me looks at that thought – Two of his lifetimes – and sees the tragedy, the heartbreak, the mourning in that statement. Another part of me is starting to tap away at that and say ‘yes – two of his lifetimes may be ahead of you so, what are you going to do with that?’

I met last week with a couple of friends because I had an idea of how I can use these ‘2 lifetimes’ and make a difference. Part of it is doing something meaningful and the other is to continue what Doug was doing – following his dream. These friends made me feel confident that I was doing the right thing. The first time I have felt like that in a long time. There was only support coming from them and a cheering section. It was nice to have. It made me want to start right away on this endeavor and get Doug’s friends on board and have input from other pilots. I hope they all see the reason for doing this – the good that it could do for others.

No matter what they see, this is something for him. To keep what he dreamed of doing alive. Almost like donating someone a kidney…only he donated his passion, his love, his laughter, his humor, his knowledge, his support. I want others to be able to follow their dream and live life like he did, especially when he was flying. I think he would like this. He would be embarrassed by it – but he would be proud internally and humble externally. That was his way.

So back to this New World…

It is strange really how many there are out there with widowhood as part of their landscape. The internet brings so much of many worlds to your fingertips. It’s funny at first you want it to be just you. That you alone are forging the way. That you alone have been the only one to experience this. Maybe because you couldn’t imagine anyone else having to endure this kind of pain and heartbreak. Maybe it is for selfish reasons. As the fog lifts you come to realize that you are not alone. That there are others here with you walking down the same path, living this – but not in the same world. The hellish thing about this is that even though there may be someone else that lives in the Widowhood World, your worlds are not the same. It is like a Neil Gaiman novel, where you may flit in and out of different worlds and each may have some similarities to the other, they are not exactly the same. There is a film between the worlds. You can make out the shape of the other, maybe even see it clearly sometimes but it will never be your world. Ever.

It is comforting to know that there are others out there that have lost their spouses and it is also very lonely at the same time.

Another month

19 May, 2010

My Dearest Husband,

I don’t even want to say how many months you have been gone from us. The fact that I keep getting closer – and ever so much closer – to the year mark, has made me just not want to keep track any more. Although, I could probably tell you the number of months, days and tears…

Each moment I feel like I am dealing with things, I find that I am not. I’m going through motions. I am trying my hardest to get things done and be busy but every single time I do anything something reminds me of you. It isn’t as if I’d like to not be reminded of you – I just wish the pain involved would go away – and then again I hope it never does. I’ve been having a lot of problems with the crash this past month. It hits me at different times. I see the crash even though I wasn’t there. I feel like I know too much….Sometimes I wish that you were not such a good flight instructor with me…I’d like to be in the dark on this one. I’d like to worry about your loss – not the sudden tragedy that it is.

I’m sleeping on your side of the bed these days. I’m not sure what made me switch as I have never been able to sleep on that side – even when I was single. I like that I can feel where you laid. Tonight though I’m trying to get myself to sleep in the middle – even out the mattress a bit…I’m sure I’ll end up on your side.

The past few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about where to scatter your ashes. I have some places in mind but I am really struggling with wanting to have something close and permanent for you. Not a headstone in a cemetary but somewhere – something that I can go to, sit in front of, cry in front of, leave you love letters…and somewhere that tells people that you are there. Something that will be permanent. It is strange to think in this way because I know that you never wanted to be buried and wanted to be cremated. And you always said that I would know what to do with your ashes. You didn’t have any particular places in mind. I kind of wish you had. Right now, your place, is on my bedside table if your not in bed with me. I think you deserve a little better than that…although I don’t think you would complain. I know that I will put part of you at the spot you proposed to me in Yellowstone. I will also leave some of you in the Redwoods…at the ‘love shack’ as well as along one of the paths we walked a bit on. I’m still undecided on whether to leave part of you at the beach where we spent our last weekend together…that weekend brings back wonderful (albeit painful) memories….I think that I am going to go there for a couple of weeks prior to the one year mark. So maybe I’ll just decide then. I know that I’d like to give part of you to your friends and family for them to take you to places they have memories of you…I’d like to hope that they would take you to a meaningful place to both you and them…not some random place that sounds cool…although I guess once I give that piece of you away I need to give it with no strings attached. You are so much more laid back than I.

LiDo is growing so quickly and he really is enjoying being at MandD’s during the day. He loves the other kids there and it is hard sometimes to get him to come home now. I think he really enjoys D playing with him and being another ‘boy’ around him. It means so much to me that your friends stay involved in his life. I may regret saying that once he gets older and they have the ‘let me tell ya about the time your dad and I…’ stories. I just wish it was you telling the stories.

Our ‘engagement’ anniversary is coming up. June 1st. I had been thinking about heading to Yellowstone but have decided that I am just not ready to do that yet. I kept going back and forth about it and since I wasn’t positive – I decided that I just couldn’t do it. I remember that trip like it was yesterday. The fact that all of your friends knew that you were going to propose and I had absolutely no idea that you would – what a surprise. I just remember shaking and saying no over and over again. Then as I reached out for you to put the ring on my finger – you told me that I didn’t get it until I said yes. You had waited almost a day and a half in the park to find the perfect spot. You did. But then again – we could have been lying in bed and it would have been the perfect spot.

You know, I really always did appreciate our relationship. Both of us did. We argued and we loved. It was so easy all the time – even the arguing part. The arguing part was only if we just needed to tweak something…we only had a couple of doozey fights the years we were together. I think that says a lot. We were made for each other. It was as simple as that.

I wish you were here. I feel naked and incomplete without you.

I love you.

This life and the next,

Your Lady J

Worries

16 May, 2010

I worry a lot about things. All things. Not in a ‘when is the other shoe going to drop’ sort of way because after all – I’m pretty much standing here naked.¬† I worry about raising my son without his father around. The father that was so excited to have a baby. A father that was not willing to believe the pregnancy test was accurate after trying and being disappointed for so many years – showing me that this affected him much more than I realized. A father who was so laid back but firm all at the same time. A father who just had a way about him that I will never have. I worry that I don’t know all of his stories. I worry that I’ll forget ours. I worry that I don’t know all of his family stories…all of his likes and dislikes. I worry that I didn’t ask him more questions when he was alive – questions about his childhood, his life before me. I worry that I talked to much of my own.

It makes me wonder why it wasn’t me that died. He wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t perfect but so much of the time I feel like he could have handled all of this so much better than I am handling it. After all, I was so afraid to be a mother to a son. I don’t know the first thing about boys.

And then my son reminds me in the weirdest way that he is learning ‘to be a boy’ from me just fine by sitting on his potty today and holding his ‘thing’ down so it doesn’t spray all over. He actually listened and learned from me – about something that I don’t have.

I still worry though. I still wonder.

I worry about whether or not people are going to be here for him when he gets older. The people that knew his father. The people that know stories about him that I don’t even know (or maybe want to know). I think this is my greatest worry.

I worry that I haven’t hit my wall. My low point. Actually, I don’t worry about that. I know I haven’t. I just worry about the time it does hit me. There are so many factors that I feel are not letting me grieve in massive amounts at one time…The fact that I am a mother to a young son. The fact that I am the only one who can get things done. The fact that I have to get out of bed every day. The fact that I’m it. The fact that I don’t believe this is really my life. The fact that it still isn’t true that he is gone.

I worry that my smile now is nothing like the smile I see in pictures when I was with him. I worry that the happiness, complete happiness, even in the difficult times, will never be a part of my life again. I’d love to feel that again. That feeling. I bet if you took a picture of me to look at my aura you would see half of it missing or maybe right now – nothing at all.

This is just so unfair. Why him? Why us?

Twenty Months…

15 May, 2010

My Dearest Lido,

You are twenty months old today…I can’t believe it. You are growing so quickly and changing so much that I keep telling myself that I need to write things down more as they happen. I don’t want to forget anything and I feel like I am not remembering all of your accomplishments over the month. There are so many!

Just yesterday you jumped and did it with both feet lifting off the ground! You were so proud of yourself that you kept doing it all over the house. Although, I think you got a little tired because it ended up being the one foot jumping which is cuter than hell and I didn’t mind watching you just do that. You chuckled and giggled every time. You are talking more and more and thankfully (THANKFULLY) the screaming that you have been doing has gone away for the most part. I thought I would go crazy before you got out of that phase. My eardrums are still healing. Hopefully writing this isn’t jinxing anything…

You are definitely an outdoor kid. We’ve been doing yard work going on now 3 weeks and you love being outside. It’s nice when we are in the back because you are corralled in…I need that. You’ve helped with mulch, mainly throwing it where I’d rather not have it but hey, you are helping in some way right? You love your little slide and have taken to jumping off the top of it instead of sliding down. At least you are sitting down on the top with your legs hung over the side prior to the ‘jump’ and I hope you don’t figure out that it would be so much cooler standing at the top and jumping off. You also found that it was a ton of fun sticking your head in the sprinkler…I’ve since started watering after you’ve gone to bed because there really is no stopping you. I let you do it every once in a while and get completely soaked with water and laughter. The first time you did it I just stood there with my mouth open not believing what I was seeing. It was just so silly and a thankful reminder of what it is like to be a kid. You do some of the silliest things that I cherish so much.

I had bought Yaya a little ‘car’ that you make go by moving the wheel from side to side…you love the thing¬† and have figured out how to work it to move…and then you’ve also figured out that it is so much cooler if you start at the top of the driveway by the garage and push off as hard as you can so that you are flying down the driveway. You’ve made it several times to the gate (thank god we have that gate across the drive) and several times you have hit a rock or steered weird and you have na few scrapes to show for it. You call them your doo doos…

You are in daycare again three days a week. You really like it. The dropping off is a teary situation still but picking you up is another thing. It is hard to get you to go. I love watching you because you feel right at home there and I think you really like interacting with the other kids. And I have art from you – which I’m framing – sorry for the embarrassment but I’m your Mom. I can frame any picture you make. We’ve been busy this month with some fun activities. We went to the zoo and to listen to a guy that plays kid’s music. You like doing those things but I think you love just being home and in the backyard. I want to take a trip with you this summer and am still trying to figure out what the best way to go is…drive or fly? I hate driving long trips and now that it is just you and me…I think we’ll fly!

My babe, you are growing into a very smart and loving young boy. There are many many times that I long for your Dad to be here to see all of these things you are doing. He was always so engaged with you and found you fascinating.He always lit up when he saw you and when it was you and him – the rest of the world stopped. It is unfair that he is not here to be with you and with me. I just hope that I’m doing an okay job. I just wish you could be around his smile, his humor, his way of doing things. To be the son that he loved to father. He loves you so much babe. I love you so much.

Keep growing into the strong young boy you are becoming. Always remember that you had a Father that loved everything about you, always put you and I first, would have loved seeing the changes in you the past several months and those to come. Remember that you also have a Mom who loves you dearly and tries her hardest, loves watching you grow and learn, loves your chocolate kisses and your hugs and will always be here for you.

I love you my little one.

Your Mom

Superman of the slide!

Below is you sticking your head in the sprinkler…

Trying

4 May, 2010

I’m trying to cope. Cope. That is what it is right now and I can’t believe that I am reduced to coping. It is strange how we live our lives as one person and something profound, such as the death of your spouse, changes absolutely every fiber of you. I really believe that there is nothing left of the old me. I may seem just as strong as I was before. I may seem just as chipper at times as before. I may seem a lot of the same.

I’m not.

It’s like a dirty habit your trying to rid yourself of…even though you are sneaking one in the backyard…you put on a good front when you walk in the door. It is hard to shake what comes ‘naturally’ when around people. Although, now, it isn’t natural. It is pushed. It is prodded out there in the open when needed. The past several days have been hard. I attribute it to putting on the front for way too many activities including a music class surrounded by mothers who had at least one child and were pregnant. I can take one or two but the WHOLE FUCKING ROOM?? Seriously.

Interesting how the world has managed to keep spinning and continuing.

A week later…

2 May, 2010

Such a bright and sunny post last week. Then it bit me in the ass. Funny how these things work now. Feel like the sun is shining and then the storms set in once again.

This past week has been crap. Not all of it. I spent the day at the zoo with LiDo – ended up walking the entire – ENTIRE – zoo. I thought we would go for an hour or two…4 hours later…

The past few days though I haven’t been able to do much. LiDo keeps waking up during the night with dreams and so I ma not getting much sleep. It’s these really tired moments that I get into even more of a funk. I miss the partnership I had with Doug. In everything we did. If one was tired – the other did dinner. If both were tired…we got take-out and snuggled on the couch.

It just isn’t real.