Trying

I’m trying to cope. Cope. That is what it is right now and I can’t believe that I am reduced to coping. It is strange how we live our lives as one person and something profound, such as the death of your spouse, changes absolutely every fiber of you. I really believe that there is nothing left of the old me. I may seem just as strong as I was before. I may seem just as chipper at times as before. I may seem a lot of the same.

I’m not.

It’s like a dirty habit your trying to rid yourself of…even though you are sneaking one in the backyard…you put on a good front when you walk in the door. It is hard to shake what comes ‘naturally’ when around people. Although, now, it isn’t natural. It is pushed. It is prodded out there in the open when needed. The past several days have been hard. I attribute it to putting on the front for way too many activities including a music class surrounded by mothers who had at least one child and were pregnant. I can take one or two but the WHOLE FUCKING ROOM?? Seriously.

Interesting how the world has managed to keep spinning and continuing.

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