Another month

My Dearest Husband,

I don’t even want to say how many months you have been gone from us. The fact that I keep getting closer – and ever so much closer – to the year mark, has made me just not want to keep track any more. Although, I could probably tell you the number of months, days and tears…

Each moment I feel like I am dealing with things, I find that I am not. I’m going through motions. I am trying my hardest to get things done and be busy but every single time I do anything something reminds me of you. It isn’t as if I’d like to not be reminded of you – I just wish the pain involved would go away – and then again I hope it never does. I’ve been having a lot of problems with the crash this past month. It hits me at different times. I see the crash even though I wasn’t there. I feel like I know too much….Sometimes I wish that you were not such a good flight instructor with me…I’d like to be in the dark on this one. I’d like to worry about your loss – not the sudden tragedy that it is.

I’m sleeping on your side of the bed these days. I’m not sure what made me switch as I have never been able to sleep on that side – even when I was single. I like that I can feel where you laid. Tonight though I’m trying to get myself to sleep in the middle – even out the mattress a bit…I’m sure I’ll end up on your side.

The past few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about where to scatter your ashes. I have some places in mind but I am really struggling with wanting to have something close and permanent for you. Not a headstone in a cemetary but somewhere – something that I can go to, sit in front of, cry in front of, leave you love letters…and somewhere that tells people that you are there. Something that will be permanent. It is strange to think in this way because I know that you never wanted to be buried and wanted to be cremated. And you always said that I would know what to do with your ashes. You didn’t have any particular places in mind. I kind of wish you had. Right now, your place, is on my bedside table if your not in bed with me. I think you deserve a little better than that…although I don’t think you would complain. I know that I will put part of you at the spot you proposed to me in Yellowstone. I will also leave some of you in the Redwoods…at the ‘love shack’ as well as along one of the paths we walked a bit on. I’m still undecided on whether to leave part of you at the beach where we spent our last weekend together…that weekend brings back wonderful (albeit painful) memories….I think that I am going to go there for a couple of weeks prior to the one year mark. So maybe I’ll just decide then. I know that I’d like to give part of you to your friends and family for them to take you to places they have memories of you…I’d like to hope that they would take you to a meaningful place to both you and them…not some random place that sounds cool…although I guess once I give that piece of you away I need to give it with no strings attached. You are so much more laid back than I.

LiDo is growing so quickly and he really is enjoying being at MandD’s during the day. He loves the other kids there and it is hard sometimes to get him to come home now. I think he really enjoys D playing with him and being another ‘boy’ around him. It means so much to me that your friends stay involved in his life. I may regret saying that once he gets older and they have the ‘let me tell ya about the time your dad and I…’ stories. I just wish it was you telling the stories.

Our ‘engagement’ anniversary is coming up. June 1st. I had been thinking about heading to Yellowstone but have decided that I am just not ready to do that yet. I kept going back and forth about it and since I wasn’t positive – I decided that I just couldn’t do it. I remember that trip like it was yesterday. The fact that all of your friends knew that you were going to propose and I had absolutely no idea that you would – what a surprise. I just remember shaking and saying no over and over again. Then as I reached out for you to put the ring on my finger – you told me that I didn’t get it until I said yes. You had waited almost a day and a half in the park to find the perfect spot. You did. But then again – we could have been lying in bed and it would have been the perfect spot.

You know, I really always did appreciate our relationship. Both of us did. We argued and we loved. It was so easy all the time – even the arguing part. The arguing part was only if we just needed to tweak something…we only had a couple of doozey fights the years we were together. I think that says a lot. We were made for each other. It was as simple as that.

I wish you were here. I feel naked and incomplete without you.

I love you.

This life and the next,

Your Lady J

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