A New World

It is a strange feeling to have a whole new world opened up to you. One that may have been talked about. One that was definitely feared. One that you thought you would never explore until you were old and gray. One where the other moves on and days or months later, you follow. That is how I always imagined things would be for us. We would live out this life together, with our son and then when we had seen our grand-children’s children, we would depart this world within days or weeks or months of each other. One of us of old age and the other of a broken heart.

Not this.

Not having to wait, for LiDo’s sake, for possibly 60 years to die of a broken heart. 60 years. I may live almost two of his lifetimes before joining him in his world. Two of his lifetimes.

Part of me looks at that thought – Two of his lifetimes – and sees the tragedy, the heartbreak, the mourning in that statement. Another part of me is starting to tap away at that and say ‘yes – two of his lifetimes may be ahead of you so, what are you going to do with that?’

I met last week with a couple of friends because I had an idea of how I can use these ‘2 lifetimes’ and make a difference. Part of it is doing something meaningful and the other is to continue what Doug was doing – following his dream. These friends made me feel confident that I was doing the right thing. The first time I have felt like that in a long time. There was only support coming from them and a cheering section. It was nice to have. It made me want to start right away on this endeavor and get Doug’s friends on board and have input from other pilots. I hope they all see the reason for doing this – the good that it could do for others.

No matter what they see, this is something for him. To keep what he dreamed of doing alive. Almost like donating someone a kidney…only he donated his passion, his love, his laughter, his humor, his knowledge, his support. I want others to be able to follow their dream and live life like he did, especially when he was flying. I think he would like this. He would be embarrassed by it – but he would be proud internally and humble externally. That was his way.

So back to this New World…

It is strange really how many there are out there with widowhood as part of their landscape. The internet brings so much of many worlds to your fingertips. It’s funny at first you want it to be just you. That you alone are forging the way. That you alone have been the only one to experience this. Maybe because you couldn’t imagine anyone else having to endure this kind of pain and heartbreak. Maybe it is for selfish reasons. As the fog lifts you come to realize that you are not alone. That there are others here with you walking down the same path, living this – but not in the same world. The hellish thing about this is that even though there may be someone else that lives in the Widowhood World, your worlds are not the same. It is like a Neil Gaiman novel, where you may flit in and out of different worlds and each may have some similarities to the other, they are not exactly the same. There is a film between the worlds. You can make out the shape of the other, maybe even see it clearly sometimes but it will never be your world. Ever.

It is comforting to know that there are others out there that have lost their spouses and it is also very lonely at the same time.

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