June 1st

Yesterday, I sat down to write about our engagement. Your proposal that happened six years ago yesterday…and all of a sudden after I was done writing – the screen went blank and nothing was saved.

Not sure why.

So today, on June 2nd, I sit here again writing of our engagement however, today, I can’t seem to find many words. I’ve been crying for the past two days. Today, I cried, bawled, while driving to pick up LiDo. I haven’t cried that hard in the car for months. I spent an hour on the floor upstairs, holding your clothes, the ones that still smell like you, this morning. I thought my chest was beginning to remember how to breath but for some reason the past week it has gone back to shallow, hollow breathing. My heart is broken.

I’ve tried making plans. Writing things down of items I need to do. I’m so tired of doing that though. I’m so tired of doing this by myself. The reality of all of this has not been accepted. To have finally found you again, married you, loved you, had a child with you…It is hard to imagine a life without you when all I have been imagining is my life with you.

I feel so terribly alone.

I think part of my sadness is that six years ago this week, I was so happy. We were so happy. We were about to embark on life as a married couple. We were going to be buying a house soon. Our life together was happening. We were in the midst of it. Together. And only six years later, I am laying in bed, alone, crying, and you are dead. I am wondering how I go on. I am wondering how I can survive watching LiDo grow and learn new things when you are not here to see these things with me.He is changing so much. He is talking so much more and loves to help around the house. Tonight I made a point of really getting down and playing with him. It seems like it had been a while and I figured since I was in such a depressed mood, I needed it more than he probably did. So after he ate, I got out the blocks and sat with him, listening to Phish, and stacked blocks and he knocked them down. He is really good at it. The stacking part – not just the knocking down part. He can stack seven blocks on top of each other and he makes sure that they are lined up so they don’t fall down prematurely. Once the last one is on there – out comes the swinging arm and there goes the blocks. After a while he got tired of the blocks and wanted to throw things…so we got the soft soccer ball out and he threw that around the house. He uses both hands and throws over his head – looks like a little soccer player. The Panda Kitty chases after it. I tried getting him to kick that ball but he wasn’t having anything of it. Instead he finds the harder soccer ball….so I show him how to kick that. He wasn’t into it and wanted to throw that one too. So I let him and had him throw it to me and I would kick it around and keep it from him as he would chase after me laughing big belly laughs. We used the living room and dining room as our soccer field. As I would dribble it back and forth he would jump up and down in front of me and stomp his feet and just laugh. It was so great to hear him laugh and see that he was having fun with me. It was good to let go and just be with him. Be fun.

I just wish you had been there playing with us.

Thank you for proposing to me. Even though I am not living the life that I wanted, or chose at this moment, I lived the life I wanted and chose with you the moment I laid eyes on you. I love you dearly. I ache for you. Thank you for what you gave me.

In this life and the next.

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