Father’s Day

My darling Husband,

Today is Father’s Day. Today is nine months. Today is a Sunday.

I had been planning on taking LiDo out to do something. Just the two of us. But I couldn’t get myself to leave the house. I didn’t want to chance running into all of these families. Fathers with their kid(s). I couldn’t do it. Not this year.

I still thought about the day though. I still thought about you. I thought about how excited you were to be a Father. Be a Dad. You would come to me at times and tell me that you had ‘just one of those feelings’…then you would go on and tell me how you were sitting at the computer and you just had this thought come over you…and then you would go to tell me how cool it was to be married to me…or you would tell me how excited you were just thinking about how cool it was going to be to teach LiDo how to ride a bike…

you said ‘just how cool is that?’

I get so angry at times thinking about why this happened to someone like you. Someone who was in one a great and wonderful place in his life. How could this happen to someone who would get overwhelmingly excited about things having to do with his family. The one he made. The one he was a part of each and every day.

It is so hard to write to you today. There are so many things about today. A year of you gone is creeping up at an ever increasing speed. Today was also a Sunday. I don’t like Sundays. My heart just hurts I want you so badly. I need one of your hugs.

It was Father’s Day last year that I gave you the picture of you and LiDo walking amongst the trees. The black and white one that is and always has been so powerful to me. You holding your son over your shoulder. He is looking at the camera and your back is towards it. I just see this strong man, rooted in, stoic. Like the trees around him. Something about that picture has always captivated me. I know you loved it too.

You would be having so much fun with him right now. He is growing to be such a mix of the two of us. I see you though, in so much he does…sometimes it is just overwhelming. Some days he is all your son. Other days he is mine. But mostly you can see the both of us in him. I like that. To me it shows who we were together. You would be proud of him. He is so smart and loving. He loves helicopters. He hangs out. He keeps busy. He gives me kisses. He is wonderful. You were a wonderful Dad to him. You were always so loving and kind to him. You loved holding him, rocking him, kissing him. You were so gentle with him. You were so proud.

I’m thankful that you are his Daddy. I’m thankful that we could share in this, that you could see your son born. I miss you and as I sit hear and type I can’t stop the tears from flowing…I try to take deep breaths but it is hard. The air has been sucked out of my life. I wanted to give you a card today. I wanted to be excited about a day with you. I wanted to make you breakfast or go get you coffee. I wanted to lie in bed with you and tell you how much I love you and how it is such a wonderful thing to be married to you. I wanted to be a family today. I want you here.

Oh how I remember your touch. How you would captivate me with your eyes and your smile. How I loved that when I looked into your eyes I could see myself reflected back at me. I loved how your eyes could convey so much. I can still feel your kiss. Your passion. Your laughter. You.

Time is passing so quickly. I keep finding myself bracing for the next 3 months. I feel like I am on a countdown. To what? Remembering each and every thing we did and thinking that that was the last time I would do that with you…I don’t want to be on a countdown. Especially one that I don’t know what it is I’m looking towards…

I love you so much and I miss you and I hope that you always knew that you were a great Dad.

Happy Father’s Day.

I love you.

This life and most definitely in the next,

Your Wife

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One Comment on “Father’s Day”

  1. sarah Says:

    I asked Roman earlier in the week what we should get Daddy for Father’s Day. What would he like. And he said, I think Daddy would like a remote control helicopter. an orange one. I thought, J won’t want that, will he? but day after day, when I asked, Ro answered the same. So we went on Sunday together to buy one. And all the little boys with their dads in the mall gathered around while the salesclerk demo’d them, smallest to biggest (one was like the size of a crow or something) and everyone was awed. And I thought of Doug and Liam and how Liam will be able to tell about his Dad who flew those puppies for real. Much love to you, Liam and Doug. I’ve thought of you guys all week.

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