The Maggie B

I named her after my favorite book as a child, ‘The Maggie B’. I’ve had her for her entire life and today I had to say goodbye to her and make the decision to put her down. It certainly isn’t the hardest thing I have had to do as of late…but I felt like this was another nail in the coffin of my previous life. She was just getting so terribly bad and couldn’t really walk. I wrapped her in a towel and laid her on the front seat and she didn’t move at all on the drive to the vet. I carried her in, just mostly skin and bones now, so light. We waited for quite a while for the vet to see us and I just held her head and could tell that this was the best decision that I could make for her. She just laid her head on my arm like she used to do when we snuggled. I could tell she just wasn’t there anymore but we had our last moments. It was so peaceful and I stayed with her until she took her final breath.

It is just another part of my past that is now gone. I think that is the hardest part. I feel like I’ve lost the person I used to be and with her death I’ve lost all current traces of me that was…my last link. I think too that it of course just brings up things about Doug’s crash. Things that I just don’t allow myself to think about. But seeing my dog being put down today and seeing her last breaths taken, counting down the hours and minutes before taking her in, thinking to myself that she has one hour to live, 30 minutes to live, 10 minutes to live…it all just brought up everything that I think about with my husband’s death. What happened. Was it quick. Were his last breaths in pain. I wasn’t there to hold him. This just brings things to the surface that I’ve been trying my hardest to shove way down.

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