Archive for August 2010

One more month…

23 August, 2010

My Dearest Love,

A year ago we would be spending our last month together.

I look back on that last month and love that we did so much together. Then again, we always made time for each other. We were like that. We couldn’t live without some us time. When things would get busy and when we noticed that we may be bickering more, that is when we stepped back and said ‘oh, that’s right – we need to stop all of this, slow down and spend some time together – life got busy’. We were good at that. Being able to only spend one day a week together made us make it count. I’m glad for that. Not many people do this. Not many couples make this happen in their busy lives. We did. I’m grateful for that.

This past weekend was the airshow. A year ago, this is where we were. I just really can’t believe that I have lived without you for 11 months. I don’t know if I am living. My heart is beating. I am taking breaths, albeit shallow. I still cry on a daily basis. Lately I’ve been crying more. You see, something came up this past week where I feel like there are questions still unanswered. That these past few months of me trying to accept one reason for the crash is now, once again, a reason but maybe not the right one. There are so many questions out there once again. I had just been waiting for the NTSB report to come out…waiting and wondering. Then this other thing came out. It happened at a different time – but – it makes me question. Again.

My body hurts again. My heart feels like it is barely beating. I cry all the time. I don’t know what to do. I ask you every day what I should do. I plead with you to tell me what to do. I feel so alone. I don’t know who to call to ask questions to. I don’t know how loudly I should shout. I want answers. I especially want answers that I can accept even if there are still questions…

I’ve decided that I may need to start screaming for answers. To question everyone involved. They may think I’m crazy, but I’m tired of sitting back and trusting. Of hearing what the likely scenario is…I want to know every movement of that day. I need to be able to not only have this for myself but I need it for our son. He will ask these questions. I don’t want to not know the answers when he is old enough to pry into this. I want to be able to give him as much as he asks for. We need it.

The past 11 months have been blurry. I still find myself not remembering things. I try to keep things simple so that I can not forget the small things that LiDo does on an every day basis. I try and remember everything about you. It is all there. I haven’t forgotten. It is so much a part of my fiber – you are a part of my fiber – that I will never forget these things. I just want you to know that. Losing you is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.

I could really use one of your hugs right now. I could use your reassuring touch and words.

I do not want this next month to arrive. I’m not sure how I will manage it. I did decide that LiDo will have a birthday party…me – not so much. We will head towards the pacific northwest. Maybe a sort of pilgrimage. It took me a while to make those plans. I decided that today I would and everything is booked. I do miss it out there. More so than I thought I would. Who knows – maybe we will end up back there one of these days.

I love you so very much.

Always, In this life and the next,

Your wife, your love

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23 Months

17 August, 2010

My Dearest Lido,

Only one more month of counting by months for you…

My how you have changed over the past few weeks. It seems like it is always something new and I’ve been trying to be better about remembering everything so that I can put it into these letters. My mind is still not remembering as much as it used to. But here it goes…

The big thing we did this month was take a trip to Puerto Rico! I was really dreading the flight there and especially the drive that followed the flight in order for us to get to our fantastic destination. Like always, you surprised me…You were perfect on both flights and slept a lot of them. It probably helped that you are now totally into Little Einstein and Elmo (I was a bit surprised by the latter since you never watch it at home…) and so you watch both over and over again. We were greeted with nice (non-humid) weather and no car service…so that was a bit of a stress but we found a car service to haul all 7 of us that went. Our final destination from San Juan was Rincon. The drive was interesting to say the least. I laugh at this because it would have been a situation that your Dad and I would have been in together. So, I guess was probably more my karma than his all these years since it is continuing. At least we have him watching over us! The driving there is pretty wild. No concern for most traffic laws other than red lights and I think those are optional in certain circumstances. Our driver and his friend though were wonderful and stopped so we could have a real dinner on our way. We ate Mofongo which is a typical Puerto Rican dish. It was delicious and calmed the stomachs full of peanuts, crackers and soda.

We arrived in Rincon to our villa in the evening and didn’t get to really see anything outside of the villa…although we heard the crashing of the waves against the sand right below us. You were not too thrilled about that. It was an intense sound and you clung to me and refused to go near the ledge of the balcony.

However, the next day you started on your way of getting used to the sand, ocean and pool!

I can typically count on you to take at least 45 minutes to warm up to anything. Sometimes it is more, sometimes it is less. Your Nanna would take you in the mornings and get you breakfast and take you to play in the sand and the ocean and then it would be up to the rooftop pool for mid-morning fun. You became our little water baby. Jumping into the pool, swimming by yourself. It was amazing how quickly you became a daredevil!

There wasn’t much to do other than to play in the pool or on the beach and in the ocean, so that is exactly what we did. We did take a catamaran sunset cruise one evening for your Nanna’s birthday. This was interesting as a storm came through right as we were supposed to get on the boat. The boat captain had been trying to call me to cancel and by the time I looked at my phone, we were already there waiting for him. He decided that he was good with going if we were up to it…

So we threw off our shoes and swung our legs overboard the small boat that took us out to the catamaran. That is where things got tricky. The rain and wind started coming and we had to haul ourselves up and over the catamaran while the waves were crashing and the rain was pouring. You were the first one in the boat and stayed sitting where it was dry until I got in. You were such a brave boy. All the rest of the girls (you were the only male all week…) climbed aboard and we set sail. The rain stopped after about 20 minutes and we had Pina Coladas (virgin for you) and cheese and crackers and lots of laughter at how drenched we all were. I don’t think anyone thought that we would be ‘roughing’ it on a ‘sunset cruise’…

You had a lot of fun and the boat captain let you help steer and he even caught a tuna and captivated you. You laid on the edge of the boat and just watched the water…you were a happy boy and you were taking it all in. And you had the best sea legs out of all of us!

I think that was the highlight of our trip.

This month you have been putting more words together and making short little sentences. You are still just as demanding as you always have been when it comes to feeding you. I even made a tater tot casserole for you and I ended up being the one who ate all of it because no matter how many times I tried it out on you, you refused to eat it.

You say please now when you would like something – most of the time. It is very cute how you say it. You try very hard words and refuse to name any color it’s true color…it is always yellow or black. You repeated ‘agricultural field’ when we were landing in KC…I was pointing something out to you and said those words. When watching Baby Einstein before you go to bed you always point out the metronome in the video and you are very clear about it as well. You still stay away from most single syllable words and go for the 3 or 4 syllable words. I think it is great…and also think that you are the smartest kid in the history of the universe.

You are silly at times and very silly at times. I stopped closing the baby gate to your room, so in the morning you get up, go downstairs, get a breakfast bar out of your snack drawer, go back upstairs and wake me up, sit in bed with me and eat the breakfast bar…getting crumbs all over my bed. You also tell Panda Kitty to stop whatever it is that she is doing – even just lying there. You still love it when she licks your head but always say ‘ouch’ when she licks your arm or hand. You absolutely love dogs and puppies but are scared when the little yappy dogs bark at you – which we are surrounded by them on both sides of our house. However, only two of them are ever outside. I’m kind of glad that you are like that with the little dogs…I’d rather have a bigger dog.

You started a new daycare this month and you are liking it more this week than you did the last week. You have two friends there so that helps during the day. They come to visit you and give you hugs and B shows you the cool toys to play with and wants to teach you how to get more food at lunchtime…She loves you as does RoRo. He watches out for you too.

I feel like the past month and a half has just been crazy with people visiting, shit happening, vacations, new schools, etc. I think that you are a bit glad to be home and around your things and in your bed. We are slowly establishing a bit of routine. You like your routines. It has been tough these past few week with various things – all of which are just hard on me rather than you. However, I know that if I’m not happy then you’re not happy. And above all else, I want you to have the happiest childhood I can give you. I want to protect you from sadness and my grief. I try but I know it makes me hold off on grieving for your Daddy. I take moments out of the day and I still cry in front of you sometimes. I still don’t know how to handle all of this. I’m really trying hard though to make a life for you and me. To do things for us. And only us. To concentrate on us.

24 months is coming up and with that brings so much. Your 2nd birthday and the mark of the first year without your Daddy. I know he watches over you and sees who you are becoming and he would be so proud of you. I wish so much that you could have spent more time with him and him with you. It is unfair. He was a great Daddy to you and he made our family. I hope that I am doing everything that I can for you. That you are having fun with me. That you are learning and are happy. I just want you to be happy.

I love you my dear child and you do bring me the only joy in my life (no pressure). You are incredible and I love you very much.

Love always in this life and the next,

Your MomMom

You and MomMom…trying to take a picture one handed while holding you…

MomMom and Lido hanging out in the pool…

MomMom and Lido relaxing in the hammock

Sunset Cruise

Helping pilot the boat

Tranquil

Even more tranquil

Wondering if we are going to catch any more fish…

Sunset dip in the ocean…

Sunset our last night in Rincon…

Closed Heart

9 August, 2010

I feel like my heart is closed. There is one spot open right now and that is for LiDo. Otherwise, it is closed and slowly dying.

I’ve lived pretty much my whole life believing in a spiritual side of all of us and the world. That there are energies out there to get in touch with and use. I have had some interesting experiences and even found myself in a very calm, spiritual place at one time in my life. I’ve always believed in the afterlife, that we can communicate with those that have moved to a higher plane. Then, one night, death visited me and pulled me away from Doug. It was so real. I saw him from across the hotel room that we were staying in that night. I screamed for him and this thing, this death, would not let me go. I remember vividly trying to claw my way to Doug, to scream to wake him up so he could save me from this nightmare. When no voice came out of me and my flailing arms did nothing, I just kept telling myself over and over again that this was just all a dream. Over and over. Over and over. I found myself in the bed again but frozen with fear. I looked up to the corner of where this death gripped me and it walked toward the hotel door next to me. I didn’t breath. I didn’t move. My heart stopped. I remember looking at this figure and it pausing by the bed and gave me this hideous, cackling look, and floated out the door.

That is when I found my voice and yelled for Doug. He rolled over to me, held me in his arms and I told him what happened and he told me that everything would be alright.

Then one week later, he was gone.

And ever since, I have shut down my mind and my body to anything spiritual. To me, death would not be a sinister thing coming to you, telling you of it’s intentions. I used to believe that it would take your hand, hold you in a full embrace, help you. Not this nightmarish, sinister thing.

Then I start thinking that there is something dark lurking around me. That I am the one that manifests the darker spirits. That I am to blame. I may be looking for a reason behind all of this…but I fear going to the spiritual side of myself again. I fear having those dreams again as this wasn’t the first time I have had something like this happen, however, never to this degree. I am afraid to open up my heart to feeling those things again, the good and the bad. To experience the spiritual side of me again. I’m so afraid of what I would find there. I’m afraid I would lose my mind. I’m afraid of seeing that thing again.

And then I think that there is no way that I can continue to live as I am. Because it isn’t really living when you feel like you are a walking corpse. When you literally feel as if your heart is not beating and your veins have hardened and your eyes are hollow. I feel if I do this then nothing can hurt me again. But this is not even existing.

A friend who does Reiki took my hand in between theirs and tried to transfer energy. For a brief moment I could feel my hand warm up and just as soon as I felt that, I shut it out. She looked up at me with wide eyes and couldn’t believe how quickly and difinitively I shut her out. I thought that I could handle it but I felt that by even a small transfer of energy was too much for me. Even receiving hugs from people, I shut down everything. I no longer am willing to be free with that energy. I’m afraid that if I am, that world will visit me again.

And then I think there is no way that I can continue to live as I am.

I need to be willing to go to the depths of all of this in order to see clearly once more. I need to for the sake of our son. He needs that part of his Mom again and I feel like I am slowly losing all of it…he needs the spiritual, loving, in touch Mom. Not this walking corpse.

So I start with baby steps to open up this closed heart…

Doug, I just want you to be there walking with me because I can’t do this by myself. I need your spirit right beside me, helping me. I need your protection and your love. I may not have you bodily but I will have you spiritually. I love you. In this life and the next.

Unease

6 August, 2010

I am back from a quick get-away where I did pretty much nothing other than relaxing in the ocean or in the pool or on the hammock reading a book. I actually read 3 books…not an accomplishment because I read extremely fast…

It was a nice vacation but I found myself wearing blinders through most of it. I never really allowed myself to think that Doug wasn’t there.

And here I am back home and having crying fits pretty much every day and every night. I even cried myself to sleep lying on LiDo’s floor waiting for him to fall asleep. The time has moved so quickly and the one year mark is fast approaching. In a world where I can barely accept that he is dead, it is hard to accept that it has almost been a year.

At times I feel as if I have lost momentum. Which, I guess, I have. We were in the midst of planning what our next step would be, raising LiDo together, thinking of our future and loving each day that we had. We were both busy with work and each other. Then in one moment, driving on the highway, I received a phone call that would take all of that away.

I was still me for a few months after but found that I was slipping away. In almost a year I have become a shell of who I was. I still know that person. I can still pretend like she exists and I can certainly put on a good show on most occasions. But that person that I was – is no longer here.

I do wonder why I moved back here. Most everyone said that it would be the best thing – to be around friends and family. After 10 months of being here though, I often wonder where everyone is. I don’t want to be the poor me person but I seriously wonder where everyone went. I understand that life continues for everyone where as right now I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other. I don’t want to be that reminder in the room that their friend is dead. I am smart enough to realize that people do not know what to say but every once in a while, I’d like a great big hug.

In a world that is foreign to me, I’d like to not be a second thought or no thought at all.

So, I’ve decided that instead of focusing on these things, it will just be my son and I. I can’t dwell on this. I need to dwell only on LiDo and I. We need to get our thing going. I’m tired of being an afterthought.

The Door

4 August, 2010

I still think you are going to walk through the door and tell me that this is all just some serious fucked up mistake. I still think that I can come home and tell you about my day. I still think that I can hug you.

I came home last night after a week-long vacation with a bunch of people. It was relaxing and wonderful but I shut down my mind. I do that a lot lately. Afraid that if I think about you or us being on that beach together will just send me over the edge. I still walk that edge. Even after 10 months. It’s there and I’m teetering along it. One foot in front of the other just hoping that a slight breeze doesn’t blow…

I’m not sure how people perceive me. If they think that I am handling all of this well. That I am getting my life together and that I am coping. I wonder if they think I should be over you by now…

It is hard though to go on with a life that you had absolutely no choice in living. It is hard to make choices that you thought you would never have to make in the no-choice life. I will say that if it wasn’t for our son, I would have never made it this far. The only time I feel remotely un-empty is when I am around him. Otherwise, I am just this shell of a person. Living a life that I have absolutely no idea how to live. I’m tired of being without you.

Going on this trip…I allowed only a few moments where I told myself that you were not here to live this with me. That you were unable to take part in our life anymore. That all of these dreams and opportunities were taken from you. And it just drills in the fact that you are dead.

A person that I thought would live forever. Is dead.

I always thought I would die before you. I never thought that I would have the strength to go on without you – even if I died at 90.