Unease

I am back from a quick get-away where I did pretty much nothing other than relaxing in the ocean or in the pool or on the hammock reading a book. I actually read 3 books…not an accomplishment because I read extremely fast…

It was a nice vacation but I found myself wearing blinders through most of it. I never really allowed myself to think that Doug wasn’t there.

And here I am back home and having crying fits pretty much every day and every night. I even cried myself to sleep lying on LiDo’s floor waiting for him to fall asleep. The time has moved so quickly and the one year mark is fast approaching. In a world where I can barely accept that he is dead, it is hard to accept that it has almost been a year.

At times I feel as if I have lost momentum. Which, I guess, I have. We were in the midst of planning what our next step would be, raising LiDo together, thinking of our future and loving each day that we had. We were both busy with work and each other. Then in one moment, driving on the highway, I received a phone call that would take all of that away.

I was still me for a few months after but found that I was slipping away. In almost a year I have become a shell of who I was. I still know that person. I can still pretend like she exists and I can certainly put on a good show on most occasions. But that person that I was – is no longer here.

I do wonder why I moved back here. Most everyone said that it would be the best thing – to be around friends and family. After 10 months of being here though, I often wonder where everyone is. I don’t want to be the poor me person but I seriously wonder where everyone went. I understand that life continues for everyone where as right now I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other. I don’t want to be that reminder in the room that their friend is dead. I am smart enough to realize that people do not know what to say but every once in a while, I’d like a great big hug.

In a world that is foreign to me, I’d like to not be a second thought or no thought at all.

So, I’ve decided that instead of focusing on these things, it will just be my son and I. I can’t dwell on this. I need to dwell only on LiDo and I. We need to get our thing going. I’m tired of being an afterthought.

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