Closed Heart

I feel like my heart is closed. There is one spot open right now and that is for LiDo. Otherwise, it is closed and slowly dying.

I’ve lived pretty much my whole life believing in a spiritual side of all of us and the world. That there are energies out there to get in touch with and use. I have had some interesting experiences and even found myself in a very calm, spiritual place at one time in my life. I’ve always believed in the afterlife, that we can communicate with those that have moved to a higher plane. Then, one night, death visited me and pulled me away from Doug. It was so real. I saw him from across the hotel room that we were staying in that night. I screamed for him and this thing, this death, would not let me go. I remember vividly trying to claw my way to Doug, to scream to wake him up so he could save me from this nightmare. When no voice came out of me and my flailing arms did nothing, I just kept telling myself over and over again that this was just all a dream. Over and over. Over and over. I found myself in the bed again but frozen with fear. I looked up to the corner of where this death gripped me and it walked toward the hotel door next to me. I didn’t breath. I didn’t move. My heart stopped. I remember looking at this figure and it pausing by the bed and gave me this hideous, cackling look, and floated out the door.

That is when I found my voice and yelled for Doug. He rolled over to me, held me in his arms and I told him what happened and he told me that everything would be alright.

Then one week later, he was gone.

And ever since, I have shut down my mind and my body to anything spiritual. To me, death would not be a sinister thing coming to you, telling you of it’s intentions. I used to believe that it would take your hand, hold you in a full embrace, help you. Not this nightmarish, sinister thing.

Then I start thinking that there is something dark lurking around me. That I am the one that manifests the darker spirits. That I am to blame. I may be looking for a reason behind all of this…but I fear going to the spiritual side of myself again. I fear having those dreams again as this wasn’t the first time I have had something like this happen, however, never to this degree. I am afraid to open up my heart to feeling those things again, the good and the bad. To experience the spiritual side of me again. I’m so afraid of what I would find there. I’m afraid I would lose my mind. I’m afraid of seeing that thing again.

And then I think that there is no way that I can continue to live as I am. Because it isn’t really living when you feel like you are a walking corpse. When you literally feel as if your heart is not beating and your veins have hardened and your eyes are hollow. I feel if I do this then nothing can hurt me again. But this is not even existing.

A friend who does Reiki took my hand in between theirs and tried to transfer energy. For a brief moment I could feel my hand warm up and just as soon as I felt that, I shut it out. She looked up at me with wide eyes and couldn’t believe how quickly and difinitively I shut her out. I thought that I could handle it but I felt that by even a small transfer of energy was too much for me. Even receiving hugs from people, I shut down everything. I no longer am willing to be free with that energy. I’m afraid that if I am, that world will visit me again.

And then I think there is no way that I can continue to live as I am.

I need to be willing to go to the depths of all of this in order to see clearly once more. I need to for the sake of our son. He needs that part of his Mom again and I feel like I am slowly losing all of it…he needs the spiritual, loving, in touch Mom. Not this walking corpse.

So I start with baby steps to open up this closed heart…

Doug, I just want you to be there walking with me because I can’t do this by myself. I need your spirit right beside me, helping me. I need your protection and your love. I may not have you bodily but I will have you spiritually. I love you. In this life and the next.

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Explore posts in the same categories: Flying Dodo, Lido, Widowhood

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