One more month…

My Dearest Love,

A year ago we would be spending our last month together.

I look back on that last month and love that we did so much together. Then again, we always made time for each other. We were like that. We couldn’t live without some us time. When things would get busy and when we noticed that we may be bickering more, that is when we stepped back and said ‘oh, that’s right – we need to stop all of this, slow down and spend some time together – life got busy’. We were good at that. Being able to only spend one day a week together made us make it count. I’m glad for that. Not many people do this. Not many couples make this happen in their busy lives. We did. I’m grateful for that.

This past weekend was the airshow. A year ago, this is where we were. I just really can’t believe that I have lived without you for 11 months. I don’t know if I am living. My heart is beating. I am taking breaths, albeit shallow. I still cry on a daily basis. Lately I’ve been crying more. You see, something came up this past week where I feel like there are questions still unanswered. That these past few months of me trying to accept one reason for the crash is now, once again, a reason but maybe not the right one. There are so many questions out there once again. I had just been waiting for the NTSB report to come out…waiting and wondering. Then this other thing came out. It happened at a different time – but – it makes me question. Again.

My body hurts again. My heart feels like it is barely beating. I cry all the time. I don’t know what to do. I ask you every day what I should do. I plead with you to tell me what to do. I feel so alone. I don’t know who to call to ask questions to. I don’t know how loudly I should shout. I want answers. I especially want answers that I can accept even if there are still questions…

I’ve decided that I may need to start screaming for answers. To question everyone involved. They may think I’m crazy, but I’m tired of sitting back and trusting. Of hearing what the likely scenario is…I want to know every movement of that day. I need to be able to not only have this for myself but I need it for our son. He will ask these questions. I don’t want to not know the answers when he is old enough to pry into this. I want to be able to give him as much as he asks for. We need it.

The past 11 months have been blurry. I still find myself not remembering things. I try to keep things simple so that I can not forget the small things that LiDo does on an every day basis. I try and remember everything about you. It is all there. I haven’t forgotten. It is so much a part of my fiber – you are a part of my fiber – that I will never forget these things. I just want you to know that. Losing you is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.

I could really use one of your hugs right now. I could use your reassuring touch and words.

I do not want this next month to arrive. I’m not sure how I will manage it. I did decide that LiDo will have a birthday party…me – not so much. We will head towards the pacific northwest. Maybe a sort of pilgrimage. It took me a while to make those plans. I decided that today I would and everything is booked. I do miss it out there. More so than I thought I would. Who knows – maybe we will end up back there one of these days.

I love you so very much.

Always, In this life and the next,

Your wife, your love

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