September

The month is upon us. I have so far survived six days of it. But my stomach aches thinking about how many more days I must go through…not just in this month but in my life.

I’ve been thinking a lot (of course) about this past year. The things that have changed. Losing your spouse tends to make you think about things like this. Right now I am thinking about all of the things that we did in the almost 7 years we were together. We were engaged within 9 months, bought a house, got married, decided to move to pursue your dream, renovated the kitchen, sold the house, packed up and started somewhere new, and then had a baby. Looking at all of these big items, makes me think that we were supposed to pack it all in to a short amount of time. After all, we did most of it within 2 years. It was only once we moved that things settled down and big decisions or moments were left to one – having a baby.

Then I think about that baby and how he did so many ‘firsts’ before his 1 yr. birthday. He did all of the firsts that to me are some of the most important ones – maybe because they all come so quickly…after all you have this floppy thing given to you to take home and within 3 months he is rolling over…it all happens so fast. I’m glad that he did his firsts while you were alive. You got to see all of that. I can handle the other firsts (to some degree) because they will come with more time in between…It still breaks my heart that you are not here to see it and to be a part of your son’s life – a life that you wanted so very much.

These past few months have taught me that we did it right. There is no doubt in my mind about that. It has shown me that I depended on you so much more than I thought I could ever depend on someone. I have learned to be dependent on myself again. I have learned that I don’t like the silence this life brings. I have learned that I can only sleep in the middle of the bed for so long until I roll to my side and stretch out to reach for you once again…

I have learned that although I want LiDo to remember you and know you for himself, he most likely will only remember you through others. I have learned that your heart can really truly break.

I have also learned that it is okay to cry every minute of every day. It is okay to cry in front of others for any reason what-so-ever. I have learned that people are not so comfortable with this but I’m okay with that.

I have learned more about you. I learned that you bought lottery tickets on a more regular basis than I ever thought you bought them. I learned that you were not the only person in our house that horded water glasses next to the bed. I learned of how you touched peoples lives in big ways and in small ways that had a big impact. I learned that I miss your beard trimmings on the bathroom counter. I also learned that I contribute to a lot of the laundry and it wasn’t just the fact that you always wore two t-shirts at once and changed two times a day that contributed to the majority of our laundry pile.

I learned that our love and my love for you will never diminish.

I have not learned a lot about myself. I expect that will come in time. And I only say this because I feel like I have just been managing these past several months. I have been focused on making it through each day. Without you.

In a month that always brought me happiness and a sense of new beginnings, I hope to just make it through. I smell the fall air that is coming in and it takes me back to a year ago, when we were together and we were happy. We were married in the fall, moved in the fall and I lost you in the fall. I love you and hope to see you in the fall breeze…

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