Back at the beginning?

I feel like I’m back at the beginning.

The beginning of this nightmare.

The beginning of living a year without him. Not knowing what I would do.

I was a person of action at the beginning though. Someone who felt with her whole body and spirit that I must get something together of a life for my son. I got the bones of a life together. Found a house very quickly because there was no way I was moving away from our home of three years into another apartment. I didn’t want to move twice in a year and I was terrified that if I did move into an apartment or rental then I would never get anything done. I would dread having to move again….

I know I was right about that choice I made. I couldn’t imagine finding something now – a year out. Not with everything happening again, or so it seems. I have already had to live a year of firsts and unfortunately a lot of those firsts come all around or within a couple of months of his death. I had to celebrate (or not) what would have been our 4 year wedding anniversary two weeks after his death and in between and a few days after, I attended two services for him. I don’t recommend doing that…I remember waking up two days after our wedding anniversary to attend his second service and I just didn’t know if I could do it again. I don’t know how many of us did two services…

I celebrated the first Halloween without him, the first Thanksgiving and Christmas, his birthday, 4th of July…The only firsts I have left is our son’s birthday without out him, my birthday without him and of course the year mark of being without him. Well, and all of the other firsts that come with having a small child.

This year though I don’t have the luxury of being in a foggy state over the holidays. Of being able to go on auto-pilot. I know I will miss that to some degree. However, I know exactly how I want to spend those holidays. I don’t want to put on a brave face or do what is expected of me. I want to feel all of it. The happiness and the sadness and I want to be alone. At least that is how I think I would like it. I want to be able to sit back and feel all of this and not work on autopilot anymore. I need to feel it more and make myself remember everything about our life together…it isn’t as if I don’t remember. My brain has just shut those parts down in order to cope with the day to day tasks.

I still feel back at the beginning though. Like I’m on this constant downward roller coaster that still has its peaks and valleys but it is still going down none-the-less. I guess part of me is starting to search for the up-road. For the meaning in life again.

It is September.

A month of beginnings and ends.

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