Our last…

Our last weekend that we spent together is almost upon us.

On a Friday, sitting at my desk, I decided we needed to get out of town. A great pulling urge to go somewhere. So, I called and got a great deal at a hotel at Cannon Beach. I called him up to see if he could leave early from the airport that day. He was so happy that I made this last minute decision and in his typical way when everything was right he breathed out a sigh (good sigh) and just simply said “great, I’ll cancel the ground class that I have and babe, this is just great”. He left early that day, packed a bag for us, picked up Liam and I simply drove up and picked them both up and we headed to the coast.

Our drive out there was nice. It was great weather and we stopped at one of the road-side water fountains to fill up our water bottles. For all the times we had driven on that road, we never did this. This time we did. And it was the most refreshing, clean water I had ever tasted. We ended up needing to refill the bottles before getting back in the car…

We spent a wonderful night and day out there at the coast. We took LiDo to the park and he took his first slide down a big slide with Doug, he loved swinging and they ran through the wet grass. We laid on the beach and took an almost a two hour nap. Although, I didn’t sleep much. I just laid there on the blanket with him beside me. Laying partly on top of him, my leg draped over his, his arm around me, my hand on his chest. I felt the rise and fall of each breath. LiDo was asleep in his stroller at our side. The tide was out. The tide was really really far out. This was the weekend when they had the lowest tide of the year. It almost looked like something you would see prior to a tsunami striking…I think that is part of the reason I could not fall asleep. I could feel that tide being pulled out further than it had been all year. A sense of foreboding…especially coupled with the nightmare I had the previous night.

After a long day spent on the beach, we headed home.

And headed into what would be our last week together. Headed home to await the tsunami that would strike.

Headed home with happiness and peace. Looking forward to our son’s upcoming 1 yr. birthday and our combined birthday party the following weekend.

We had a small celebration for LiDo on his birthday. I remember it was raining out that night and after I picked him up from daycare, we headed to a local bakery where I got a few cupcakes for us. Doug got home in time for dinner and we got the cupcakes out, sang to LiDo, took video and pictures of his first birthday experience. It was just the three of us.

We were so full of life, of happiness, of completeness.

This weekend, on the same date that we spent our last day at the beach, I am celebrating our son’s birthday with family and friends. This past week I go from being excited about planning his birthday party to complete tears.  I feel like the tide is slowing creeping out once again…

I wonder how I will get through even just this weekend let alone the next 10 days. For all of the things that have come up this past year – getting through things – I’m too clear headed to do this…I don’t want to feel the pain. I want to be back in the fog and just manage through without really realizing what is going on around me. I will not celebrate my birthday. I refuse to do it. Because that does mark THE LAST DAY we were together. My birthday. Our last day.

It fucking sucks.

Sometimes, I wonder if he would still be hear if we would have gone home from the hospital and waited a few more days to have LiDo. Already a week and a half past due, we were relying on a little bit of medical intervention to get him going…but at one point, one point, we were asked if we’d like to just go home for a few days and see if I progress anymore and then come back and we’d try induction again. I wonder if that moment we decided that we would stay and have this baby then – sealed Doug’s fate. I had a feeling that if we went home then he would come on his own in a few days – more around my birthday – the 19th or 20th…or we would have been induced then again anyway. If we would have made that choice, Doug would not have been flying that day. He would be alive today.

I wonder how that one choice, one that was wrapped up in excitement for getting this baby in our arms, would have made a difference now.

Then, I do know, that our choices were ours. We made them together. If I had to do any of this all over again, I would. I would because I had a lasting love. I would because I was given a gift of having that one person choose you – that one person who completed and filled in all the gaps in you and gave you more. We have a beautiful son.

So for this weekend, I will try to not mourn for our loss but embrace what we do have. We have people who love us. We have people that hurt for us. We have people that remember us and him and are affected by us. We have stories about how he changed their lives or added so much to it. We have people who think about us every day. I need to live life as Doug would have wanted us to live it. To live like we lived.

For our last ten days that we would have with each other, we did so much, loved so much. So for this year mark of our last ten days I will celebrate one birthday right alongside one deathday. And I will do it with open and loving arms. Because life needs to be lived. People need to be embraced. Memories need to be shared. We will live and love for as long as we are meant to.

It will be fucking hard.

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Explore posts in the same categories: Flying Dodo, Lido, Portland, Widowhood

One Comment on “Our last…”

  1. Sharon Says:

    I love you Jesi. Let me cry, laugh, and not celebrate with you…any time, any place, any day. I haven’t read your blog in a few weeks, why today? Who knows, but I got the message. I’m here!


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