I’m here where we spent our last weekend together. I’ve stopped at the coffee shop that we love so much for a latte this morning…It was the first thing that I did intentionally that I knew would remind me of ‘those times’. Kind of funny that it I’ve been avoiding things but I’m right here in the middle of it all. Yesterday, I ended up in a store that we had stopped in one trip here. I think that was about the only store we ever went into here. At first I didn’t recognize it, then I stepped back outside and remembered getting to the beach at the end of the road…we had walked there. It took me until today to walk down to Haystack Rock. I’ve been here for 3 days. It isn’t like I can’t see the fucking thing.

I brought part of you with me. My plan was to give some of your ashes to the ocean here. I can’t do it. I can’t say that it doesn’t feel right or that I don’t want to…I’m really not sure what it is. I feel like I need a sign from you. I keep hearing you say to me that it isn’t a big deal, that whatever I’d like to do is fine. I really wish we had talked about this more. I wish we had talked about a lot of things more. Those things that you think you are going to have years to talk about. No one wants to talk about these things.

So, right now a part of you is still in tupperware (sorry about that – the only thing I could find that would pack easily). Maybe I’ll step outside tonight and release a little bit of you.

It has been a hard month and now as I get closer to the one year mark, I don’t know what to do with myself. I am glad I decided to come back out here but at the same time…well, I guess I just don’t that there is a place for me right now. I haven’t figured that part out yet. I haven’t figured out a lot of parts.

I miss your touch. Yesterday all I longed for was for you to hold me again. I guess each day I long for that. But especially here – the place where I really got to hold you for the last time.

My heart is heavy.

I love you.

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One Comment on “Here…”

  1. jdoublep Says:

    🙂 doug is laughing so hard at kicking in some tupperware!

    i’m thinking of you, him, and liam today.

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