As I look…I am the one.

As I look at his picture, I think of the many things we were supposed to do together in this lifetime. I think of the things that we should have had a chance to do together, as a family. As I look at his picture, I think that this just can’t be real.

It can’t be real that I am the only one to put our son to sleep each night. That I am the one to make the decisions for us. That I am the one who gets to see all of the little things Lido does. The things that you would have seen.

I try not to get my thoughts going in this direction too much but as of late, they are definitely going there. I don’t want to think about the life that we would have had. I’d like to think of the life we did have. To feel okay with just that. It is hard though because every day, I wonder if I am doing things right. If I am a good enough parent for Lido. If he’ll be okay.

I wish with all of my heart that he would have some memories of you. Ones that he could have all to himself. The ones where it was just you and him. Along with losing you, the other thing that I hate is that he won’t know you. Sure, he’ll be able to put pieces of you together from all of us but he won’t know you as a son knows his father. As he would know you. I hate this fact.

Over a year has gone by now, that I have not felt your touch, heard your laugh, looked at you, talked with you. I get so afraid that things are slipping away that I won’t remember about us. About our life. Even though things feel like it happened yesterday, they seem so far away at times. I want to tell all these stories about you, but how do you tell stories about the small little things? The things that drove me nuts that I love about you? The miniscule thins that only I would appreciate?

My heart is still breaking. I love you.

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