Archive for December 2010

The Future

28 December, 2010

My Dearest,

I’m working on an opportunity right now. One that we had discussed doing if we ever had the chance and the means to do it. I’m sitting here crying instead of working on numbers because the moment I started typing in numbers…it was as if I could hear your voice and I was transported back in time for a split second. I could hear us talking – you talking. It is so strange to be doing this without you. Although, I feel you every step of the way. A fiber in my being. One that is and always will be a part of me. It is strange though that I am possibly living something we saw in the future for the both of us. I don’t care much for this altered future.

The past couple of days have been a little difficult. I know it is just the emotions that have been pushed aside for the past month surfacing. I’ve gotten really good at knowing that this is coming. I don’t necessarily make time for it but have found that is when it smacks me the hardest…allowing me to function on the lowest level. So, I try and embrace it and work with it. To feel the tears on my face and acknowledge the heaviness that I feel in my chest. The physical pain. The emotional pain. Pain that I didn’t know even existed. I’m learning to live with this being a part of my everyday life.

I hope you know that there is not a moment where I do not think of you.

I’m sorry – I can’t write anymore right now. It isn’t a good night. The tears will not stop…

I love you.

 

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Christmas 2010

25 December, 2010

My Darling,

I just called you. You didn’t answer so I left you a message. I was all ready to leave a message without blubbering through it…but the moment I heard your voice, well, I broke down. It was the first time all day. Yesterday and the day before were my crying days. This morning, I was a different person than I was yesterday. You see, I wanted to capture everything on Lido’s face today. I wouldn’t let him go downstairs until my Mom got here so she could keep him up there while I turned lights on and got the camera ready. Santa had left some gifts out by the tree and one in particular, he was so excited about.

A bike.

The bike I wanted to get him for his birthday but just couldn’t manage it. I thought I would lose it then, if I bought him a bike. So, it has taken me three months of preparing myself to buy this bike. And he loved it. And he rode it all day around the house. He’s really good at it. It doesn’t have any pedals and tips over easy – they say it teaches them coordination and balance so they don’t have to have training wheels when graduating to a bike with pedals. But who cares about that…He loved it.

In my mind all day, when I was telling him that Santa brought it for him, all I could think of was you. You are the Santa. You couldn’t wait to get him his first bike. So today, in my heart and in my mind, this gift was from you. I hope you were watching.

The big present for me this year was a viola. I’ve been wanting one for several years. Today, I got one. My Mom surprised me with this gift. I couldn’t believe it. I cried. I guess I couldn’t wait to just sit and play and lose myself in the music. To maybe heal a little. I played a little bit for Liam but couldn’t think of anything to play other than Twinkle Twinkle Little Star…So, tonight I downloaded some sheet music and practiced Swan Lake. Lido stayed asleep so I am assuming I wasn’t that bad.

Lido went to bed with two matchbox cars. I didn’t mind, especially because he stayed in bed and fell asleep quicker…You would have been so proud of him today. He got on that bike and just went. He loved opening gifts and got excited about everything. I’m glad I didn’t throw something together like last year. He loved today. I’m sure tomorrow will bring more excitement.

And by the way, I bought him his first video game…

Today was hard but the days leading up to it were worse. Just knowing that I’m going to have to go through a single day without you is hard and debilitating when I take the time to think about it but holidays and ‘events’ are worse. Especially since we always had a good Christmas. Our first Christmas together, I got you your intro flight. Our last Christmas, we held our 3 month old son in our arms and put up the Christmas tree with him smiling and laughing in his bouncy chair.

I’m still so very lost without you. At times, I have no idea what to do. Lately, I’ve been doing what people have been telling me for the past year…’keep busy’. I haven’t been able to do that until now. And I think I’m making up for it. I hope you know what I’m doing. Your the reason for it – for many reasons. It isn’t just a way to keep you alive or remember you by, it is all about things we talked about. Things we wished were out there. Things we hoped for. I think you would have liked the logo – it has your ruggedness along with your preciseness. You always reminded me of one of the old advertisements for fixed-wing. That sexiness and ruggedness and that air of ‘not all people can do this but I pull it off with style’. That’s how the website it set up to feel like. It isn’t perfect yet but it is getting there. At times, things happen with the foundation or with Lido and I get so excited about it that I pick up my phone and you are the first one I want to call. Fuck, it is awful – that feeling. I hope you see though what I’m trying to do. I think you would be proud.

Last night I opened a card that you had given me on Christmas one year. It was before we got married and where the card said ‘wife’ you added ‘future’ before it. It is the Christmas card that I have opened now for two years. I’m glad that you gave Christmas cards. I never understood why you would give a card at Christmas – especially when it wasn’t mailed…but I’m glad that you did.

I love you so very much and even though my heart is heavy tonight, I will go to sleep with love there. Love for our son and love for you.

As always, I miss you terribly. I love you. I hope to get that one last Christmas wish tonight…

In this life and the next,

Your Wife

 

My Dearest Child

20 December, 2010

My Dearest Child,

My how you are growing. You are 2 years old and three months…and yes, I’m writing this after the 16th! I seem to not be able to keep upon this sometimes and my goal was to write 365 entries in the next year. I’ve missed a few days. Please don’t follow in my footsteps…in this regard.

Oh well.

It is the holidays. It completely sucks that your Dad is not here and I’m trying to get through it. You are loving all of the lights and Santas and Snow Men (Mowmen to you). You love reindeer and candy canes. We decorated the house this year and you helped pick out the Christmas tree. You did a great job as well. We kind of walked around for a bit and then I asked you to pick one out and you walked over to one and when the kid helped us get it out – it was just perfect. It was the easiest tree excursion ever. You weren’t much into helping decorate the tree itself but you loved the end result. We even decorated the outside of the house a little bit and you love coming home in the dark to your ‘cany canes’.

All of this hasn’t been easy but I knew that it was important to celebrate Christmas in one way or another and to maybe start our own traditions this year. I know this decision was right because you have enjoyed so much of it. And that is what I try and do – give you that childhood. The happy childhood.

You had your first Christmas program at your school this year. I took video and thought about posting it but decided that that particular video would go in the storage vault for about 20 or so years until I got over the trauma. Bless your heart child, you kept jingling your jingle bells while crying to the point of almost throwing up. I can’t watch the video. It is way too heart breaking. And I so wanted your Dad to be there to pick you up in his arms and tell you ‘don’t worry kid – I would have done the same’. Instead, I held you and calmed you down and told you that it was okay.

You don’t seem to have any lingering effects of the situation and I’m thankful for that.

Your a wonderful kid. I love you. I hope that I can make your Christmas’ nice – after all – Christmas became a very wonderful time for your Dad and I…you became more than just a glint in your Daddy’s eye at Christmas…

Now that you will be thoroughly embarrassed in the future…

I love you.

In this life and the next,

Your Mom.

 

Highs and Lows

7 December, 2010

I’ve been working for weeks, months rather, on the website and branding for my foundation. It’s not enough to be on a roller coaster with grief but I’ve had to add another ride that molds into that one…

My first meeting with the gentleman that did the branding went well. I did have to compose myself a couple of times, especially when trying to get across the ‘feel’ of the foundation, the ‘feel’ of the website, the ‘feel’ of a helicopter pilot, the ‘feel’ of Doug.

I didn’t want to break down in front of him and I managed to put on a brave face.

Then the website development came. Wanting to get something out there asap meant that I was going to need to use a template but I was having problems finding the right one. I had been using one but it had a bright orange flower on the front and I could not STAND IT!!! I couldn’t write content because there was no way in hell that I felt creative when there was a flower bigger than my logo on the website…I ended up finding another template to use that was more along the colors and feel that I was going for. I wonder if the fact that the picture on the template was a man that looked a lot like Doug playing with his son in a field of grass had anything to do with my decision….

Anyway, I switched templates and my designer did a banner for me…I sent him a photo that I wanted to incorporate. It was a portion of a picture that I took during my first flight with Doug. We were flying over Sunset Highway in Oregon. The full picture is awesome but I only wanted to use a portion – it had the right look and feel to it.

He developed the banner with the logo and the picture and sent it over to me. I was so in love with it and elated that I called him at once so he could hear how happy I was. After a few brief words, I hung up the phone and burst into tears.

I want to be elated with what I’m doing but at the same time…I don’t want the reason I’m doing this to exist. I want him to exist. In the flesh. Beside me.

I want to run to him and tell him everything that is going on. When I was this excited over something, I always ran to him the first second I could, just to tell him whatever it was that I was excited over. No one ever smiled at me the way he did. I always had his attention. If I could tell him face to face about this website banner…he would give me that smile, that great big smile, chuckle and tell me ‘that’s awesome’ in that tone of voice he had. He truly always made you feel great.

Drying the tears…

 

 

Please listen to me…

6 December, 2010

Post 4 of 365

 

Please listen to me.

If I tell you not to give my kid milk. Listen to me.

Oh, and please do what I ask.

Maybe that was my problem.

I wanted them to listen.

They did.

I just forgot to ask them

to do what I told them to do.

A Sunday

5 December, 2010

Part 3 of 365

Sundays are not my favorite day.

Today, though, showed me that it could be a good day again.

Lido and I went Christmas shopping and besides my panic attack in the bike aisle at Toys R Us and his meltdown in the Thomas the Train aisle, it was pretty fun. I had never taken him there – and I’m not sure I’ll ever go again – and he had saucer eyes and was on sensory overload. After getting his presents (I stealthily hid them in the cart and kept making him look at this and that in front of him) we went out for a slice of pizza. He loves this local pizza place and as we walked in he headed straight for the tables. He wanted to get a good seat to watch them make the pizza and toss the dough. I managed to order our food and have him wait with me but the moment I said ‘let’s go’ he ran off to get his glass of water filled and concentrated on carrying it to his perfect table.

It was amazing. I was kind of caught up in the moment of trying to get his water glass filled and making sure he didn’t spill it while carrying it but when I realized that he had a plan before we even walked in there I stepped back from the minutia and watched him. I stopped worrying about the little things and just took in what he was doing. We have eaten inside only a handful of times but he knew exactly where he wanted to sit. It had been months since we had been there last but he remembered that they tossed the pizza dough and he wanted to see it. He picked out a table for two and told me to sit in one chair as he carefully set his glass on the table by the chair he was taking. He took his coat off, his cap off and made sure that his cap was stuffed inside his coat sleeve and everything handed over to me prior to him climbing up in his chair and leaning against the partition that separated the pizza maker and him – to watch him make pizza.

The table was not chosen by random either. We had passed a good half dozen tables to reach this particular one. The one that was tucked toward in the far side of the restaurant. But he knew, he knew it would give him the best vantage point.

He watched the pizza maker make a couple of pizzas then sat down and started asking me ‘what’s that?’ Ahhhh, the endless joys of that question…He gets a sly smile on his face when he asks because he knows that I know he knows what ‘that’ is. He starts to giggle and then our pizza slices come. He picks of every slice of pepperoni and cheese on his pizza, eats that then he starts eating the top of the naked slice of pizza, telling me it is cheese. Sometimes I wish I could make him believe that every piece of food is cheese. He has never quite believed that a carrot is actually cheese. I can’t even get away with telling him that the thing of yogurt is ice cream…

After he is covered in pizza sauce we head home.  I had picked up some photo paper to try out my new mega photo printer so I put him to sleep so I could play a little bit. He had napped a bit in the car but I was hoping to get some kind of nap out of him but that wasn’t going to happen so he came in and I had been printing out pictures of him and his Dad. I don’t have any of him and Doug up around the house except for when he was a pretty little baby. I thought it was important to hang some of him as a ‘bigger’ baby. Some of the best ones I have are of him and Doug the week before…So we were looking at those and man, was that mind working. He was really studying the picture. Looking at it hard with a tilt of his head and his eyebrows furrowed as if the image was conjuring up some memories or maybe he was thinking ‘why the fuck isn’t the person here anymore’.

We put the pictures away and headed downstairs to play and then his Grandma came over and we went to dinner. This child – again, I just had to step back and watch and not worry about the minutia. He took two straws and put them in his mouth and started making funny noises. How the hell does he come up with this stuff? He’s only two!

The entire day just reminded me to step back and really be with him. See him instead of watching.

I’m glad I had this today. It made a Sunday…well…a good Sunday.

 

And this is all of me.

 

A couple of days

4 December, 2010

Post 2 of 365

I’ve missed two days. That’s okay. If I miss, I’m sure I’ll add them on somewhere.

As Christmas draws nearer my chest draws tighter. I’ve been wracked with tightening, teeth grinding, sleepless nights. I’m fearful. I pour over pictures, his things. I look at Lido and see so much more of Doug in him than last year. I vowed that this year, this year the tree will go up, Christmas will be celebrated. I’d like to celebrate it with just the two of us. Just Lido and I. How Doug and I celebrated.

I wanted that so much last year. It didn’t happen. I wanted to disappear. Run away. Be just him and I. This year I’m torn because I know and completely understand how life can certainly change in one moment and I don’t want to take us away from people that want to be there. At the same time, I’d love for it to just be Lido and I. I’d like to know if I can handle it by myself. Going to bed alone on Christmas Eve. Reading “Twas the Night Before Christmas’ to Lido. Having hot chocolate, putting on warm pj’s, watching a movie or listening to music while sitting in front of the Christmas tree. I want to know that I can do that. Just him and I. And that we will be okay.

I don’t feel okay right now.

I think most of us traveling through this kind of loss wishes we could just sleep from November 23 through February 15.

Then I think of all the things I would miss with my son. That I am responsible for his memories of these holidays. I want to make them great memories.

My holidays were not that great from one particular point in my life until I met Doug. They were always sad. A constant reminder of a bad moment in my life. Doug helped me let go of all of that. He made the holidays fun. I wanted to make the holidays fun for him. It was us now. No bad memories. Just us and the making of new memories. Ones filled with laughter and love.

I don’t hate Christmas now. I actually have every reason to completely love Christmas. Lido. On Christmas Eve in the Redwood forest…a seed was planted.

 

 

And this is all of me.