A couple of days

Post 2 of 365

I’ve missed two days. That’s okay. If I miss, I’m sure I’ll add them on somewhere.

As Christmas draws nearer my chest draws tighter. I’ve been wracked with tightening, teeth grinding, sleepless nights. I’m fearful. I pour over pictures, his things. I look at Lido and see so much more of Doug in him than last year. I vowed that this year, this year the tree will go up, Christmas will be celebrated. I’d like to celebrate it with just the two of us. Just Lido and I. How Doug and I celebrated.

I wanted that so much last year. It didn’t happen. I wanted to disappear. Run away. Be just him and I. This year I’m torn because I know and completely understand how life can certainly change in one moment and I don’t want to take us away from people that want to be there. At the same time, I’d love for it to just be Lido and I. I’d like to know if I can handle it by myself. Going to bed alone on Christmas Eve. Reading “Twas the Night Before Christmas’ to Lido. Having hot chocolate, putting on warm pj’s, watching a movie or listening to music while sitting in front of the Christmas tree. I want to know that I can do that. Just him and I. And that we will be okay.

I don’t feel okay right now.

I think most of us traveling through this kind of loss wishes we could just sleep from November 23 through February 15.

Then I think of all the things I would miss with my son. That I am responsible for his memories of these holidays. I want to make them great memories.

My holidays were not that great from one particular point in my life until I met Doug. They were always sad. A constant reminder of a bad moment in my life. Doug helped me let go of all of that. He made the holidays fun. I wanted to make the holidays fun for him. It was us now. No bad memories. Just us and the making of new memories. Ones filled with laughter and love.

I don’t hate Christmas now. I actually have every reason to completely love Christmas. Lido. On Christmas Eve in the Redwood forest…a seed was planted.

 

 

And this is all of me.

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