Christmas 2010

My Darling,

I just called you. You didn’t answer so I left you a message. I was all ready to leave a message without blubbering through it…but the moment I heard your voice, well, I broke down. It was the first time all day. Yesterday and the day before were my crying days. This morning, I was a different person than I was yesterday. You see, I wanted to capture everything on Lido’s face today. I wouldn’t let him go downstairs until my Mom got here so she could keep him up there while I turned lights on and got the camera ready. Santa had left some gifts out by the tree and one in particular, he was so excited about.

A bike.

The bike I wanted to get him for his birthday but just couldn’t manage it. I thought I would lose it then, if I bought him a bike. So, it has taken me three months of preparing myself to buy this bike. And he loved it. And he rode it all day around the house. He’s really good at it. It doesn’t have any pedals and tips over easy – they say it teaches them coordination and balance so they don’t have to have training wheels when graduating to a bike with pedals. But who cares about that…He loved it.

In my mind all day, when I was telling him that Santa brought it for him, all I could think of was you. You are the Santa. You couldn’t wait to get him his first bike. So today, in my heart and in my mind, this gift was from you. I hope you were watching.

The big present for me this year was a viola. I’ve been wanting one for several years. Today, I got one. My Mom surprised me with this gift. I couldn’t believe it. I cried. I guess I couldn’t wait to just sit and play and lose myself in the music. To maybe heal a little. I played a little bit for Liam but couldn’t think of anything to play other than Twinkle Twinkle Little Star…So, tonight I downloaded some sheet music and practiced Swan Lake. Lido stayed asleep so I am assuming I wasn’t that bad.

Lido went to bed with two matchbox cars. I didn’t mind, especially because he stayed in bed and fell asleep quicker…You would have been so proud of him today. He got on that bike and just went. He loved opening gifts and got excited about everything. I’m glad I didn’t throw something together like last year. He loved today. I’m sure tomorrow will bring more excitement.

And by the way, I bought him his first video game…

Today was hard but the days leading up to it were worse. Just knowing that I’m going to have to go through a single day without you is hard and debilitating when I take the time to think about it but holidays and ‘events’ are worse. Especially since we always had a good Christmas. Our first Christmas together, I got you your intro flight. Our last Christmas, we held our 3 month old son in our arms and put up the Christmas tree with him smiling and laughing in his bouncy chair.

I’m still so very lost without you. At times, I have no idea what to do. Lately, I’ve been doing what people have been telling me for the past year…’keep busy’. I haven’t been able to do that until now. And I think I’m making up for it. I hope you know what I’m doing. Your the reason for it – for many reasons. It isn’t just a way to keep you alive or remember you by, it is all about things we talked about. Things we wished were out there. Things we hoped for. I think you would have liked the logo – it has your ruggedness along with your preciseness. You always reminded me of one of the old advertisements for fixed-wing. That sexiness and ruggedness and that air of ‘not all people can do this but I pull it off with style’. That’s how the website it set up to feel like. It isn’t perfect yet but it is getting there. At times, things happen with the foundation or with Lido and I get so excited about it that I pick up my phone and you are the first one I want to call. Fuck, it is awful – that feeling. I hope you see though what I’m trying to do. I think you would be proud.

Last night I opened a card that you had given me on Christmas one year. It was before we got married and where the card said ‘wife’ you added ‘future’ before it. It is the Christmas card that I have opened now for two years. I’m glad that you gave Christmas cards. I never understood why you would give a card at Christmas – especially when it wasn’t mailed…but I’m glad that you did.

I love you so very much and even though my heart is heavy tonight, I will go to sleep with love there. Love for our son and love for you.

As always, I miss you terribly. I love you. I hope to get that one last Christmas wish tonight…

In this life and the next,

Your Wife


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One Comment on “Christmas 2010”

  1. NannaB Says:

    He so loves the bike and I believe he had a very good Christmas, although I know it’s been hard for you. And I love his new words – ‘mowmen’ for snowman and ‘mememouse’ for Micky Mouse – but the one that bowled me over: last minute shopping and we saw a lighted yard ornament and when I asked him “What’s that?” he said “Hippopotamus.” and that’s exactly what it was! Not ‘hippo’ or any other cute mis-pronunciation but the whole word! Amazing!

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