Anxiety.

I’ve been feeling anxious since yesterday. Really really anxious.

It’s because I am taking five days to myself. I am going somewhere I’ve been feeling like I need to go to for the past year. A place that keeps popping up in my head. I booked the ticket and made the plans.

At this place, I decided that I needed to talk to someone. So I have three counseling sessions that will focus on grief and I have one spiritual counseling session focused solely on me. Other sessions include energy work and some pampering.

For about 12 hours or so, I felt really excited about this decision. I felt a bit of a weight lifted.

Now all I feel like doing is crying and I can barely move. I feel that I have just existed today. Because just making these plans, well, it starts to solidify the fact that he is gone. I’ve looked at his pictures differently. I look at them and all of the intense feelings of loss start surfacing. Ever since the accident, I’ve just wanted to run away. I’ve wanted to be able to bury my head – and entire body and being. Thankfully there have been times where I have a 24 hour window of opportunity to do just that. Where I don’t have to be ‘there’ for Lido. Someone else is watching him. Although, I bury myself in mindless things such as playing solitaire for hours on end. I don’t have to think. But this isn’t getting me to where I need to go. It isn’t getting me down the path I need to walk. I’m fully aware of that. It just hasn’t been time.

Frankly I’m not sure why right now is the time. Why the hell did I feel that right now is the time? I have so many things on my plate right now. And I look at Lido and wonder how he is going to be without me around for five days. How am I going to be without him around?

I think though, that it is time for me to do this. Not only because of the things I have on my plate but because Lido is becoming more and more vocal about his feelings and I need to be able to handle my own grief before I can help him with his. I don’t know how to respond when he tells me he misses Daddy…I do my best but I feel that I can’t completely break down in front of him when things like this occur. I just need to look at my own path and help myself so that I can help him when he needs it.

But it is scary and I’m feeling the anxiety full force. All I keep hearing in my mind is myself begging ‘just don’t make me say he is dead’.

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