My Darling Little Boy

My Dearest Lido,

Oh my, a day late…I was attempting to write last night but found my brain on slow mode so here I am!

You have been with your Nanna for the past few days as I am taking some much needed time for myself. This was a very hard decision but easy at the same time. I knew that I needed to change things so that you and I could live life to the fullest. It was and is hard being away from you but the possibilities that this decision is generating are endless. It has been an intense week for me as I have been working on reconnecting with myself, being okay with having absolutely no idea who I am anymore and embracing the opportunity that I have in finding who that person is – on all levels. I’m learning a lot, facing a lot and am being open to possibilities and open to paths.

It has been fun to talk to you on the phone and to hear your little voice – hear you always moving and on the go. You are being spoiled with clementines and are very good at saying that word. So I’m sure there will be constant visits to the fridge for another clementine when I get home. I can’t wait to hear your voice in person and hold you again. I love you baby.

Coming out here has shown me that we have been okay over the past year and few months since losing your Dad but okay is not good enough. Things will be changing for both of us and I’m excited about being comfortable with the prospect of living life to its fullest – the both of us. I no longer want to feel that I need to work hard at keeping relationships because I want you to know who your Daddy was through friends or family. You will know him through me and through those people that want to be a part of our lives and make the decision – not just an effort – to do so. I’ve realized that what your Dad and I had, the relationship that we had was ours and wasn’t made up of others. We knew how we wanted to raise you. We knew how we wanted to live life. We. Him and I.

He was a part of my thoughts last night. Connected to me in a way that brought me peace and clarity. Connected in a way that showed me that there will always be a soul connection. I told him that I was just not sure how to move forward, how to handle different situations that caused me additional anguish and grief. He told me that he wanted me to be happy, that he would always be by my side and that he would deal with those situations that were causing additional anguish and grief. He wanted us, you and I, to live our lives fully and to walk the path we thought to be best for us. It doesn’t matter if others do not understand. It only matters if they are beside us, supporting us and loving us.

I no longer feel this great need to stay connected to people for the sake of you knowing your Daddy through them. I want to stay connected to people because they can add to my life and we may add to theirs. I am sure that this will bring us great opportunities to meet new people that either knew your Daddy or maybe they didn’t as well as connecting on another level with those that are a part of our lives.

I am not the person I was before but I still bring certain pieces of my old self with me. You, my son, are learning each and every day who you are. I hope that I am able to show you that it is possible, through grief and tragedy, to be someone greater than who you were before. Grief will never leave me just as your Dad will never leave me. They are both a part of me. But there are so many other things, as well, that are a part of me. Things that I have yet to discover.

A question that was posed to me my second day here meeting with a grief counselor was ‘what does your son see when he looks at you?’ My answer was ‘an empty vessel’. Oh how my heart broke when I heard those words come out of my mouth. After five days of being here I can now say that when I go back to you tomorrow, you will see a vessel filled with possibility and the love of your Daddy and the love I have for myself and for you.

I love you my little bug. It’s you and me and your Daddy walking beside us, watching over us.

Your Mommom

 

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2 Comments on “My Darling Little Boy”

  1. Tea ~ Says:

    It breaks my heart that friends couldn’t come up with these questions & ideas to help you. However, I am grateful that the universe has brought this light to you, whether by your own accord,a professional, or a new friend, as it all makes sense. Or maybe, simply, just Doug, still looking out for you….

  2. javagirl Says:

    Tea you are sweat. It is so much to ask of friends to come up with questions to help – or ways to help – especially when each of is probably a little lost as to what the best way is…I don’t even know what the best way to help me – or anyone going through tragedy – is.
    I do know that little things – a phone call – a message left – an I love you and I’m coming over and we’re going out no questions from you so shut up – all work better than anything. Those very little things are the ones that are so important.
    The big things – the questions and ideas – are something that I have to find. That anyone going through grief or tragedy must find for themselves. The path is mine (or ours) alone but we can walk down it together through the simple actions.


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