Back…

Five days to explore…and now I am back.

The past week has been intense, real, unexpected, expected, hard, tearful…but I’m back.

I’m not whole, I’m not over my grief, I’m not moving on. I’m just here. Now.

Because of this past week, I’ve released a lot, learned a lot and know that I will be going through change on a daily basis. I’ll still cry, I’ll still hurt but I’ve also embraced what could be. I’ll still struggle with expecting certain things from people but I’ve embraced that what they give me is all they are able to give. They are doing what they can.

Because of this past week, I’ve embraced looking at this life head on. Looking at this new reality and releasing what I thought it would be. I’m not bound to the picture of what my life should have been. I am bound to making my life all that it can be. I am bound to the love I had and have with Doug. I am bound to this moment. Right now.

I will probably slowly write about this past week. I’m a little afraid to because I do not want anyone to think or perceive that I’m done grieving. I’m not. I will always grieve. I will always feel this loss as if it happened yesterday. Writing about the fact that I feel a little lighter, feel more grounded, feel more of myself still carries so much with it. Don’t start breathing a sigh of relief that “I’m back”. I’m not the same. I’m not the same person. I’m not the same person you knew before.

And before I write about this past week, I want to stay within myself, to experience this shift that is occurring. I want to make sure that I have a hold of it with both hands.

Right now, thought, I will say that coming back and seeing my son after my days away – because of this week – I look at him with fresh eyes. It doesn’t hurt to laugh when he does something funny. It doesn’t hurt to hug him. It doesn’t hurt to look at him. It is as if I am seeing him for the first time again. Seeing him as this tiny baby with so many possibilities. I no longer see him through the eyes of my grief. I see him through the eyes of hope, of my love and his Daddy’s love.

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